Elucidating Questions

What a dream metaphor

I spent hours

Dream hours

Cleaning the house that

Well

My best friend of eighteen years and her husband lived in

They were not present

If they were they didn’t see, hear, or speak to me.

Cleaning

There were other odd things that made it a dream

I never went back to the same room twice, but it was always where my stuff was

Trying to fit infinite items into a tiny box

There were people in some of the rooms who didn’t belong there

I went out for smoke breaks though

My mind getting tricksy

Two things were true

The house was never clean

I was never able to leave

One in the morning

After after after

My sister sleeps on the couch for some reason in a room absolutely blasting ONE OK ROCK

At this point

It was at this point

I just decided to leave

Into the streets

Find a car that stops they’re kind people

And the dream returns to regular programming

Save the world

Stop the bad guy

Here’s your boyfriend for the night

All that jazz

But what a dream

Did anything ever really come clean

Is it still filled with too many figurines

Clothes everywhere

What are they?

Griefs?

Grudges?

What do I hold that I cannot clean?

Too much to discern from a dream?

Do I dwell too much on dreams again?

Perhaps my mind just misses them and wanted to trap me in the world I would expect from them

The Empress sitting on high ignoring my very self

The Joker sitting around finding ways to be, silent, never at all concerned with me

The left reality

What comes after

The Mother standing but when I walk in there is no flinch like I’m not even there

As I ducked between her and the Scotsman I thought

They don’t love me anymore

With a babe I never see growing behind the door

Where I will never be welcome

I awake exhausted and yes

I know it was her birthday yesterday

So I wished someone else happy birthday.

My mind

How cruel to afford me hours upon hours of the reason I can never go back

To drop my sister who will never speak to me at the end

For some reason ONE OK ROCK again

I cannot fathom perhaps I don’t want to

Does it truly boil down to

I miss her

I was afraid as fuck

It was so fucking dark

They hate me

I will ask the cards.

I am a chameleon

In such a way I don’t see the similarities between me and them

Those who I am in the moment as needed always different always changing always

I don’t see myself in the mirror

I am nothing in a word, nothing in the grand scheme

Yet these alterations of self

Yet never seeing myself during the day

As I search for a something

An anything

I don’t recognise myself

Doubling

Shakespeare

If there

Were

Two of you

Yet no

Not of me

That I could be

Caught in love

At first sight

A duality

What did he try to say?

That no one could know now

Not of me

Only to hear the silent

Another world

To be

To be

Not of me

Yet, no,

Not of me

Waking up is so difficult

What a strange life this is

That my body wishes to just keep sleeping, and insists waking is exhausting

Painful

Caffeine is the medicine I take in the morning to wake me up to the point of

Whatever my body allows today

Marijuana is the medicine I take to ease the pain

Again and again

What would it be like in a world where I didn’t need these things to feel alive

Or, I should say, awake?

If only if only I knew.

See but the reason why it’s all about you

Everything is

Because at the end I want to send it to you

Every word every sentence every letter

How I wish to send you every letter

Dear Joshua,

Today I sit with a man I do not love, doing things lovers do

Do not send you a second more of anything to break this silent now

Just know I thought of you

As I did and do and will

I feel certain you are well

I only do have to worry if you’re alone I believe or else I’m infringing on a beautiful love story

Here would be a great day to just

Finally be free of you

How I loved the idea of discovering love with you

I wish it was dark out now

It’s 5pm

Oh

I wish it was winter

I wish I could find a comforting place to lie in the sun and not end up the colour of a lobster

No, no metaphors

I am that colour

Run from the sun hide from the sun

The summer has come I must remain out of sight like a vampire in real life

And I do not drink from humans

So far from where I started

So far from what I wanted