Elucidating Questions

Someone just called me sex negative and I am between laughing and bemusement

The things I’ve written

Watched

And I absolutely encourage anyone who likes sex to go out and have it why not?

But because I’m tired of recent media often portraying sex scenes, copiously, and wish people would stop hiring just barely adult teenagers to play children who go at it on screen

How is that not pedophilia?

Please stop having people portraying minors have sex on screen

That’s it

Just stop it

I don’t care about the story or the art factor

Of naked teenagers

Fuck, seriously?

The art factor of naked teenagers

Just fucking say what you are, nonce

It’s pervasive

This need to sexualise children in our society

Down to putting toddlers in miniskirts

I’m not saying miniskirts are inherently sexy,

I’m saying, who saw a miniskirt on an adult and thought

Yeah, that’s appropriate to put on a baby

It’s not the clothing it’s the people who view the body wearing the clothing as an object

Not because it’s sexy but because a fucking baby can’t defend itself from an attacker and in the instance of children

There just have to be some no go zones

No way do I want to imply that wearing clothing that others find sexy is an invitation

I 100% want to imply that adults cannot be trusted, older children cannot be trusted

I was definitely molested by a friend’s brother while originally wearing pants

Don’t dress them in sacks but something that provides them with cover, though, at least

Obviously these types of terrible things happen regardless

Humans are involved

It’s hard to say don’t do this because there’s bad actors when there are also bad actors who will do it regardless

I’d rather children be kept in safety bubbles

Like, here’s the thing

An adult has a sense of style and puts on the outfit they wear

Young children are put into outfits

And adults full on saw outfits they think of as sexy and thought “yeah, my 2 year old should where this”

It just fucks with my head a bit

All this plastering of children everywhere in compromised positions

Plastering of barely adults everywhere in compromised positions

When I was young I thought I was so adult so that picture of Miley Cyrus posing naked that photographer took just made me think “she’s adult enough”

Because I totally was, right?

Now I’m an adult looking at these kids and all the adults seem fine with this

And I’m like

No wait they were fine with it the whole time

That’s why it was happening

If a couple of grown adults want to go at it on screen I can just twiddle my thumbs while they moan and groan like a bad soft core porn

Fine, whatever, go at it I guess “art“

But when the show tells me hey this is a 17-20 year old

Here they are having sex

Man why would I want to watch that?

Always “waiting until the actor/ress is legal”

It’s so just not something I’m interested in consuming or spending my life watching

I feel uncomfortable when I’m just watching a show and then suddenly there’s sex in general

It’s something I can obviously live with

By only watching safe anime

I just don’t understand why you’d want to

See it, make it,

Teens have sex

It’s a fact, but you don’t have to produce it for millions to watch

And why would you see something you thought was sexy and then put it on a child?

That can’t make their own fashion choices?

I’m highly bothered by this cultural ushering in of sexuality, coupled with subpar sexual education

Coupled with the apparent human need to do harm upon others smaller than you

You know what? Call me a prude

I am constantly terrified that more children will end up like me

Deeply confused, sexually abused, over sex

Because someone saw me as a sex object at 8.

Sex is a deeply traumatic subject to me, but I want others to explore sexuality

I just don’t think it belongs on TV and in movies.

Not the way it’s being portrayed

I’m terrified

My father asked me to move in with him

Besides the fact that I am unsuited to an environment where I’d be living with my brothers and my father

My father who I still have nightmares about

My father who chased me down the stairs as a kid

My father who told me all my friends would get tired of me and leave

And was right

No, the life I imagined for him, as a teen fresh out of that house of filth and abuse

Became the life I lived instead

Almost a decade living like this

And now I have to throw in the towel and say well dad you left me with PTSD and untold numbers of trauma experiences

But, yeah, I’ll move in with you dad

Hermes I liked that one

She wanted to buy my mascots but she was sweet

Sometimes you send me good things

But you can’t expect me to be okay when all my freedom is about to be taken away

I’ve joined the I didn’t see it didn’t hear it crowd when it comes to shop lifting

I used to take it personally when people stole from my stores

Now I’m like

Do it

Work is easy in comparison to the torment I’ve been under a la my brain

Posing situation after situation of me living in that house with my father

It shouldn’t be an option

It shouldn’t have to be

My inability to fly

Disabled people should be taken care of

My dream of a little house where I live with my live in cook and cleaner

That’s not what I’m expecting

But at least enough to pay rent

Not a shelter portion of the disability benefits being $450

When rent in this city is $2200

You can’t find a room for that much

$450

And why should I have to give up every piece of furniture I’ve scraped together over these last 10 years?

My animals?

My space?

Because I’m disabled and thus not even worth housing?

Well it doesn’t contribute 40 hours a week to our society so housing it is too much trouble.

Me being the it

I spent half an hour staring at my stars last night

Realising that I’ll be moved into a city probably

They’re going to be drowned in the light of it

Will Jupiter still punch that hole throw the atmosphere when I see him?

Will Saturn, right by when I needed him most, but now moving away again until after I’m gone

Will he be visible there?

Why is everything

Everything

I built being taken away from me?

You’d have me back in that house

When I only ever dream of flying away from it?

I didn’t reclaim my house in Sooke

I visited it for a bit

Am I to somehow reclaim this house while my father is still living in it?

I’ve been stuck in the gravity of this black hole

Parts of me being pulled away

I had foolishly convinced myself I had gotten out of its grip enough that I could still survive

Just that

Just survive

And a fool I was

Will it consume me?

What will be left?

How do I escape this?

I thought you were the way out

What do I do now?

I feel so demanded

There are so many things I have to do

Paralyzed by fear and anxiety

I’m feeling so overwhelmed that when the coffee maker said it needed water I was tempted to just be like

No, fucking do it yourself!

Even though that’s physically impossible

I’m so tired

I cannot explain how tired I am to people

It has a profoundness that I can’t properly describe

A weight and a depth I cannot put into words

I am exhausted as if I’ve worked several consecutive 12 hour shifts

My body is so bogged down by itself

But I have to find the strength to pack everything up

Even not knowing where it’s going

Even not knowing where I’m going

I need help

Again

But do I ask for it?

It’s too big a job for me, my mind can’t break it down into little pieces

I’m trying

But these huge projects all I see is the whole thing needing to be done I need to have help until I absorb the pieces of the puzzle

Trust me I’ve been trying to convince myself to just do a piece, it immediately starts worrying about other things, and then I anxiety forget about it

I wish I could voice and receive the help I need

What do I do?

I’ve packed houses bigger, but with a good deal more energy

Which is wild because I was already energy deficient

I’m exhausted

Beyond it

There isn’t a word

I need an actual vacation where there’s just no demands at all

Actual freedom

It’s funny because I should have taken that money and gone to Japan or something

I would have had a better experience

Still my slight elevation out of hell was scorned

I just enjoyed myself for a moment in time I’ll never get back

And I always have reasons

Nothing I do is ever truly spontaneous

I’m wild to all but my own code of living

I don’t know why I have to have a reason for everything

I don’t know what would make it easier for others to accept

Everything

It’s hard to be pulled in so many directions at once

I just want to go back to my life two months ago.

Idk does anyone have just a spare couple thousand a month they could send me just for funsies?

No, of course not

Everyone is suffering right now just at different levels

I took a selfish moment to take a break from the suffering

I know it’s nev coming back but I wish everyone lived like I did

My heart aches queerly

Fuck it

Like it ever had a chance

Like it’s missing something

Hope certainly fades away

I’ll sing

But it won’t bring me any closer to home

Is it for you or me?

Undone

Unwanted

The laughter the sirens

Jesus Christ

No I won’t

Safe with the rock

Like a hammering of the past

Wrapped up

Top 2% probably the only thing I’m in the top 2% of and it’s bitter

Because what does it mean?

Nothing

It’s over

It’s so over I just ache in moments and then put it back in place

I wish someone could hear me

Someone who doesn’t want to own me

That knows I am a wild thing

The Bunny and The Cat

What no one told you is bunnies are just scared, shy, cats

So I mean, aren’t we just a pair of cats?

Staring out into the night wondering what’s next?

Fixing our gaze on the thing in the distance that never gets closer

What is the thing I wonder?

Will we ever know?

If someone could hear us

I asked how could we possibly not be alone when we’re always alone?

Someone might be thinking of me

I don’t know until they make it known

Is there even a place for me here, among all of this?

This progress?

Tearing down the much loved bingo hall to build luxury condos

Because fuck the seniors and their activities right?

If we can fit more rich people there we should

I don’t know

It hurts

Being left behind

But it makes sense to note that I may have never been in front of the person who left me behind

Those mysteries he holds

I wonder how many secrets he’s carrying?

All those secrets

It’s okay

I don’t smile anymore and that’s okay

I make a face that resembles a smile without feeling it

It’s okay

It was supposed to be this way

It must be because that’s what happened

I don’t feel this song anymore

There was so much loss and I realised love songs weren’t about me

There’s another me wrapped up in this

It’s not me anymore

Because I never met anyone

Love songs are about other people

It’s a lesson I won’t soon forget

I hope

Am I even allowed?

Well it’s over

Honestly

I’m not the type to want to belong to someone

But they never want me

Can’t pick

If it happens it happens and it just so happens it’s not going to happen

So there are some words I guess

When war ends there are no winners

Only those left rebuilding what was left

I’m living for that little notification that I’ve been sent $5

It’s unexpected but I’m still waiting for it, somewhere inside

Because the gesture makes me feel seen

Someone took time out of their day to think of me, unprompted, mind you

It’s so appreciated

You know what I did when I had amassed a small fortune of $10 on my paypal?

I bought Pokemon stuffies

Just something dumb that I couldn’t have afforded otherwise

It was a good deal on the stuffies too

I’m going to remember that they wouldn’t be here if not for the kindness of a random stranger

I don’t know who this person is

Don’t know what they look like

I just know they’ve been sending me $5 randomly

And it means the world to me

That someone sees me

You could say it’s change

That with fees it’s like $4.50 or whatever you want, to diminish it

But it lights a little fire in my soul

Someone thought of me today

And it wasn’t about what they wanted from me

It was about what they could give

Drowning in expectations

Overwhelmed by everything

But that gesture

Thank you random human out there who thinks of me

I don’t feel so alone

Love will fix it!

Except not at all

Thanks for shutting me up I guess

I love you

Like a knife

Like here’s some emotion that I claim to feel for you that’s totally going to help with me being destitute and unable to afford food and clothing and pain management

It’s like “I’m sorry”

The cop-outiest of cop outs

Oh you’re sorry, I guess my sister didn’t die then and everything is fine

Oh you’re sorry, I guess I’m not hungry

Meaningless words

What does it mean to be loved?

My definition is clearly different from everyone else’s

How you all sit by and watch this happen and pepper me with your “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s like they fix anything

It’s not even a bandaid

It’s code for this conversation is over and I’m done talking to you

While you have big fancy dinners and outings with friends and I sit here and rot and eat microwave crap

It’s meaningless

I love you means nothing

I’m sorry means nothing

So here I sit with my collection of nothing words

Are they supposed to make up for anything?

What’s the point of saying them when you have no intention of doing anything?

Oh I’ll just pay for clothing with I’m sorrys

I’m sure love will pay for food too

Love doesn’t mean anything

All these stupid love songs don’t mean anything to the people who wrote them anymore

Just words in time

I don’t know what the point of anything is

I work only to not be able to afford

Not even what I want, but what I need

Hours of my life wasted with people who can’t read price tags

Common people

As fascinating as they are

Are fucking mind numbing

And my stutter and aphasia make me sound dumber than I am, but I’m screaming on the inside at people who can’t figure out that 42.00 half price is 21. And argue about it

No, apparently the literal staff discount isn’t good enough for people, nope

Meanwhile I work there and can’t afford the clothes

Ah, the pyramid I’m at the bottom of

Had to listen to my father going on about how his son doesn’t talk to him and he doesn’t know why and he’s so innocent and just giving him the space he needs

While I know he’s a terrible person and I tried to cut him out but circumstances ruined it

I wish I’d never taken that money and just continued to suffer

I probably would have finally killed myself

Fucking finally

Everyone is waiting

Only Jesus knows why I haven’t had a gun anywhere near me so I can just do it

I read about it, all the ways I could kill myself and what would happen

Call me a coward but I’m already suffering and the idea of then spending any amount of time experiencing all the suffering I have left to experience in one go is just not

It’s not it okay

Hell I saw something from a dude who tried to shoot himself in the face and fucking failed

The description of how it felt

Why?

Why is my only way out to do through more suffering?

Why don’t I get to find peace before erasing myself from history?

It’s suffering one way or the other

That’s it, that’s my choice

I remember the bad feeling in my overdose dream

The worst feeling I’ve ever experienced

Pain, despair, horror

I’m terrified of that feeling

Am I torturing myself?

By living?

I hate this place

I want to go home