Elucidating Questions

When I think about it

I’ve always existed outside of groups

Friendly but not friends

There are accepting groups

Nerds, that being anime, gaming, card games, table top gaming, etc.

LQBTQ

Kind and accepting people but I still don’t

Fit in

I still don’t

Quite attach

I still can’t find anyone like me

They just accept the unaccepted

I still don’t belong

I always exist on the fringe

Just outside of friend

Friendly, not friends

I’ve never met anyone who cried over their mint plant being chocolate pudding

With a dead mint stuck in it

But maybe I don’t want to

That person would probably be better

Better at being me than me

Maybe it’s better to be alone than to lose

I wish I fit in somewhere

I’m terrified it will backfire

I am told, to no fanfare, that today is the anniversary of this blog

I am told this, but eighteen hundred

Almost nineteen

Hundred

In a rebirth rebirthed for no reason but to hurt

No peace in the words and words and letters

So many letters

Just the will of the way to keep wishing

And now one year after five months

Everything has changed

But nothing is different

When will it be my time?

They all say soon, it’ll be your time

Such a wasteful word

Soon

As if the constant holding up of an eventual goodness is worth all the waking moments

Of hell

A blown off kiss from the future that will never be absolute

Brief moments drowned into the torrents of grey

The day to day

And soon should be the word of salvation

As if wanting it now is selfish

As if I’m waiting my turn

As if these moments are gracefully given to each in time as if there is a plan

So far in

Too far in to believe in anything

Staring at the clock and thinking

That’s about right

Then thinking maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about

And wondering while this thinking happens

Whether any of this trauma is truly trauma

Maybe it’s make believe

But I feel it

But it can’t possibly

Maybe I’m wrong

I wish it was make believe

So much easier to not already be counting down the seconds until it’s over

Don’t burn bridges

He taught me I struggle to see

Every night in my dreams…

Like a lost melody

And these things going on in between no cure or remedy

Just me

Surely it’s time now

So tired of waiting

Maybe it’s karma

Maybe it’s an unfortunate accident

Maybe it’s just life

Maybe

But it hurts and I am exhausted

But I can’t see past the edge of my pain

But it’s all so heavy all the time

Wish there was a way to stop it

Wish there was a wish

Wish someone could see the pain and know it’s not a lie

I’m just thinking six different things at once

What

You don’t have six trains of thought all running at the same time?

You don’t fucking have that?

Sorry that was the mad one

The moon is out shining

Venus calling she’s setting with the twins

Trying to remain upright

Right?

Colourful dreams unseen spread over the thin paper fabrics

It became hard to prove the unproven

Proved difficult to believe

Banking away tomorrows never coming

And don’t get me started on the cheapness of this thing

I keep thinking I want it all

But only a kiss

And my stomach is sick

But what am I? Me in this mess.

Heartsick

Just fine

God I’m tired

So many thoughts unheard

Words

So many words

She sings me lullabies

The moon is out tonight

Lost with no melody