Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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Presently,
Quiet and numb
Nothing does truly offer endlessly
At least nothing
Would rather feel nothing than pain
Would rather feel nothing than hurting alone
So much easier to have nothing
When something is so far away
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I love when the guitar cries, when it sings
How the drum hits like a meteorite
How the bass strings along not following not running
How it laughs at it becomes more complex
The music followed doesn’t always follow the rules of true bliss
Not quite filling all the spots or picking at them
Relentless
Nostalgic nothings the only reason they stay like loyalty to ghosts
And every one a conversation I will never have
Sometimes the loneliness poison poisons everything
Even the singing violin
Can’t get past the sickness it creates
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Sometimes I listen to your songs as punishment
Sometimes they come on, and I think I’m being punished
No more are the days of turning to Trench when everything was wrong
No more quiet nights alone in a room with you holding me together
No more words to chase after and decode for just a hint
Just a hint
My bag is ripped and I am stripped of everything that ever held me
Sometimes I watch pieces of me fall away like parts in a play
About a robot
Watch them go, say that I don’t know
Who I am or what anymore just wanted to feel something good for a change
Change everything
I’ll still never be the girl you’re thinking of
I’ll never be the boy either
Heave a sigh and wonder why the music cuts every time
Like ice
There is a wound but no weapon
Completely in love with and defeated by The Trench
Is this how you wanted it?
This isn’t how I wanted it
Days are nightmares I only wake from in sleep
So I will never wake
And you will never see
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Simply and deviantly I pull threads
Sinking sung madness into the dye
Seeing the colours change
No you never know if you heal
Time could heal if it was offered
Unoffered time
Sinking into the shadows
Seeking colours
Seeking your voice and face
People are always walking forward
But even that doesn’t keep my mind still
Just as it is
They fall
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That cloud over there looks like a crude drawing of North America where Vancouver Island is huge
Or it’s a tornado with a speck
A speck
It’s all about perspective
Not where it’s seen from but how it’s seen by so much time and life and experience
Doesn’t quantify doesn’t qualify
Or maybe it’s just a cloud
Maybe I’m beyond waxing poetic at a cloud
Still finding solace in solitary lights
Still wishing softly about farther harbours
Knowing it’s the end
He is going to marry her anyway
And they’ll be a family
Yeah, no matter what I say
I wish there was happiness for people like
Things like me
Out in space what are we anyway
Not fucking inspired or taking influence from space
What a way to taint the stars for a while
Didn’t say I can’t be swayed just strongly unstrongly affected
This is why all they do is hurt me
Take all I have
All I have is the stars
All I’ve ever had is the stars
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When I think about it
I’ve always existed outside of groups
Friendly but not friends
There are accepting groups
Nerds, that being anime, gaming, card games, table top gaming, etc.
LQBTQ
Kind and accepting people but I still don’t
Fit in
I still don’t
Quite attach
I still can’t find anyone like me
They just accept the unaccepted
I still don’t belong
I always exist on the fringe
Just outside of friend
Friendly, not friends
I’ve never met anyone who cried over their mint plant being chocolate pudding
With a dead mint stuck in it
But maybe I don’t want to
That person would probably be better
Better at being me than me
Maybe it’s better to be alone than to lose
I wish I fit in somewhere
I’m terrified it will backfire
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