Elucidating Questions

I can’t run away from the very real fear

That I’m just dying

And this is the end of my life

It feels like it

My body doesn’t do what it used to

These past few weeks I’ve barely been conscious

I ask

Is this life?

Or is it death in slow motion?

And my fear

It grips me

I suggest at least three shocks of existential terror a day

And I breathe through it

But at the back of my mind I wonder how many breaths I have left

And I’m all alone besides my helpless animals who couldn’t do anything if something went wrong

Sometimes waking up in the morning feels like a miracle

I get bizarre symptoms

Like the other night I’d get these waves of pressure in my head and then I’d feel really woozy

And then you play do I go to the hospital or is this just another thing

And I want to know if I’m okay but it’s so obvious I’m not and I don’t know how to fix it

I’m terrified and alone

There’s no one who sees those moments and tells me I’m okay

I claw myself out of them

Afraid of drowning in the dread

And people look at me like I’m a hypochondriac

My question is do regular people get pressure building in their head that becomes dizziness/confusion/uncomfortable feelings?

All this other stuff I experience

Is this all normal?

Profound exhaustion

I feel like I haven’t slept in days

Yet I go to bed

That nap I took from 10 to 12:30 was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks and it wasn’t enough

Why is nothing ever enough?

How to quell the fear?

I’m so terrified that I’m slipping away

And it feels like no matter how much fight I put out this disease has the upper hand

In so many areas of my life I’m putting in my all and getting back nothing

There comes a point where when you hear the words “hard work” you just see red

Because everyone is assuming the reason you don’t get much out of life is that you’re not working hard enough

I’m being swallowed alive by this disease

How do I make my brain sleep?

28 events an hour of my brain just waking up

I could sleep forever and never feel awake again

And I’m afraid

Because I need to be capable of working the minimum that I do

And I need to be able to handle things on my own without assistance

And like 60% of the year I can’t

I wish I could transform into a well me

But the well is always a well

That’s not me

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be awake?

The last time I felt awake I was psychotic

Maybe well is something saved for a me who can’t feel anything but insanity

Is there a place for Sleeping Beauty on this planet?

Eh,

Nix the beauty

I just need sleep

It’s been so far away from me

I can’t give up

I have to keep believing it won’t happen

Have to keep envisioning that place

A place for me

And my companions

Somewhere

An unseen scenery

Some place unknown

Somehow I have to protect this belief from all the doubt and the fear and the reality

That somehow this will go right

This place I’m now dreaming of nightly again

Out the back deck door

Take off and fly

So afraid of what I need

Because needs are things other people have

Not me

Not me

And maybe I was on to something

With all my insanity intact

That these types of diseases are a sickness of the soul not having its needs fulfilled

Shoddy science, but I’ll take it because now there’s studies implying the same thing with fancier words

My strange knowings

How do I imagine a place I’ve never seen, I wonder?

See, all my life, I had this wild and vivid imagination

I’d be told about x and I’d imagine x and then x would happen and I’d be left with that bitter taste of reality

Reality is so

Colourless

Sometimes

I prefer the mind of wonder that came up with those imaginings

Because now I’d dare not

I’ve spent my life accepting things as they are regardless of how I wanted them to go

Plans don’t work

Reality eats plans for breakfast

I feel like anything I imagine will be ruined

I almost prefer the part before you know anything

When all those imaginings are alive

Imagine it was as important as existing

That existence was sacred

Maybe I did overlook something fatal for me

There’s nothing but to continue

Is there?

I’m aware

Of the problem

I’m stuck here

Some days I don’t know if suicide is sad or brave

Putting your foot down in the most clear way

Of course

They’re so many people who hate themselves

It’s hardly a protest at most times

It distorts in front of me

Mine and others’

If their’s is a tragedy

Why does mine look required?

I won’t let it be the end of me

If anything I have to harden

The thoughts of the past can’t scream here

It may be the single biggest put aside of my feelings in my lifetime

Do you truly believe?

Can’t hold on to yourself long enough to explain how

I’m sure it’s but a moment

Up and down

So tired we are

I have to just be okay again

I suppose if I die between now and then I’ll know it wasn’t going to go well

Or maybe I just didn’t believe enough for the both of us

Terrorist?

Terrorist?

I think they just implied that anyone who agrees with what this kid did is a terrorist

No?

Hardly weeping for an evil person being expunged from the realm

No you can’t just exile them at this point it’s too late

So much blood spilled

For fictitious numbers

For vacation homes, vacations, leisure

How someone can be causing this much pain to others and not immediately kill themselves I do not know

The depths of depravity this species will sink to

Hundreds of thousands?

Millions?

Human sacrifice alive and well

The Sun demands nothing of us

This ball of fire in space just gives into space constantly

Its light

And, yeah, bad shit comes from it sometimes

Rather his ancient rage escaping into the endless darkness

I am a barely contained vessel of rage

It’s all I feel

It’s within us

The rage

The rage we see in the Wind, the Oceans, the Sky

If there was a time to harness it and make something happen it’s now

They’re blatantly saying the quiet part out loud,

That anyone who doesn’t conform to the quo of peppering the field with bodies,

Healthcare abuse,

Is an enemy

That’s fine I’ll be an enemy

Speaking from my tiny corner may be all I can do

But you’ll never slay my mind where I walk free of the shackles of humanity

Even if it’s nothing

Even if this is the only rebellion I can muster

It’s time to lend our voices to the people speaking out

They think they can just say

Yeah, killing people for shareholders is a part of our government

And nothing will happen

This culture war has to stop

Stop trying to police other struggling people

You’re all focusing on the boogeyman across the aisle

Meanwhile the guy on stage is literally murdering people for profit and you’re not fucking paying attention

I may have nothing

And be nothing

But this can’t happen

We can’t let them rule over us like kings

And anyone who pays in to their luxurious lifestyles, aims for it

They are only gunning to step on other people

There can’t be silence anymore

I wish I could turn this broken mic

I wonder if the Aztecs were on to something

That we have to make human sacrifices to the gods

Not in an “let’s make human sacrifices” way

But in an

Aren’t we already, every day, all over the world, making human sacrifices to appease our new world gods?

Cash and CEOs

Do you think they make those choices because some ancient Aztec was right and they just haven’t told us so?

If not then aren’t they just evil themselves?

Boom, dead

Replaced

With a bonus of dead citizens’ blood

Thousands of dollars to catch a guy who killed one guy

Fuck

Well they’re absolutely adamant that they’re the ones whose blood needs protecting

And then we just lock up anyone who felt united by the plea

I didn’t want to die

It was him or me and them

If only righteousness made waves

Of course they only report what they want us to hear

I forget the majority of the world is not in the internet

I have no idea what the outside is like

Now how many gunned down children is a CEO worth?

The real questions

Not the answers though

This caste system they claim doesn’t exist

If some guy killed me tomorrow they probably wouldn’t even take enough time to investigate to find out I’m non-binary

They charged my ex with assault because I didn’t do them the favour of dying when he tried to kill me

So there was no proof

You hear stories?

Ah, yeah, the police couldn’t do anything

So while they’re peppering POC with bullets

Counting the bodies of children shot by others, shootings they just can’t stop apparently

They still have time to make sure an old white man CEO gets justice

How touching

Is there a word for this level of depravity?

I wonder when the wolves are coming

We could use a god that can actually be a person for a moment and not just push but punch us into the right direction

Of course that’s not how gods work

So many other things to worry about in this world than what the stupid humans are doing

You think they would want to save us?

I was craving more

Guillotines

And rich people being separated from their heads

Ah well

My CEO didn’t have to worry about affording the heart medications that make it possible for him to work this week

Though I know my story is not unique to any other employee

School shootings don’t make me sad now

No, they enrage me

You’ve had the warning occur over and over and over again

That guns need to be addressed

But, no, man hunts for CEOs instead

I am exhausted and sick and probably going through withdrawal from a medication I stopped taking because I’m sick and tired of taking 5 medications that each make things a tiny bit better

I’m so done with how bad at caring humans are

There’s some good ones, but, damn

Watching it all continuing to go to hell

It is the end of the world

They just don’t see it because it’s happening right in front of them

I keep having nothing to say

What haven’t I already said time and again?

I count being forced to go back to live with my abusive father and unsupportive brothers where no one will respect my gender, as homeless

I.e. I will have no home

I will have a house

Oh save me from this

The house of my nightmares

This course I’m on

I didn’t ask for this

I did everything to distance myself

But it I can’t bring them with me

What’s the point?

My animals that keep me sane

You expect me to walk away from them with any option?

He was awful

Made me feel stupid and small every day

I don’t know how to resolve with the younger me

Who is terrified of him

I wonder if this path is connected to something else and I missed it?

I miss a lot of things

Misfires included

It’s hard to be in control of something you have no control of

Out of context clues

Yes, I get that you left hundreds

I never know what they mean until it’s too late

Maybe it was me

Calling from the next year

If it was, me sounded fine

I think

I like this storm

If anything it feels like my insides are on the outside

Watching the Wind whip through the trees

I dismiss the hope

The fearsome aspects of nature are more my friends than people sometimes

Because something else has that rage

The supreme rage that doesn’t care what it destroys

Without for once

Instead of within

Terrified

Just staring into space being terrified

Author, I hate this

I can’t handle this stress

I am tired of sex

It’s everywhere

Assumed

It’s used to sell

It used to do everything

I really don’t care what anyone else does

I just get tired of it just being everywhere

About everything

It being such a huge part of human existence because they’re all obsessed with getting it and watching it at all times

Acting like all the people working in a hospital have an insane body count

I don’t really want to be involved

With any of it

Sex has been so incredibly negative in my life

And does it actually have to be everywhere?

Maybe I’d be less bored by it if it wasn’t just the same straight couple over and over again

Pretty girl and handsome guy

So tepid

And maybe if it wasn’t all based off of porn

Which is just unhealthy male fantasy in most aspects

I’m talking about commercialised porn

Women making weird noises

Men being powerful

It’s never healthy either

Usually some flaw or another

Maybe fantasy is just too real for me these days

Doesn’t it ever feel like it’s over done?

The sex.

Just several minutes of some sex

All the time

If it seemed anything like reality

It’s almost always amazing sex

Because all sex is amazing right?

Is it that great?

I just don’t see it

I’m now tired and agitated

Which means I’m struggling to form a thought

Does every good story need sex?

Does advertisement?

Does entertainment need it?

It’s funny to me that I wasn’t able to get sex, to be interested in it, until I was within two years of being too sick to have it

It just becomes water torture

And then those two years were just filled with desperation

And then regret

Maybe I can’t see the positives about sex because there’s never been anything positive about it in my life

But at the same time, seeing no positives for myself, it’s not like I want people to stop having sex or something

I’m just tired of it being everywhere

I don’t even want sexual themes to be removed from media

Themes is fine

And not all media

Just enough that I can watch something produced after 2010 that isn’t featuring several minutes of soft core porn

Like can I have something to watch please

I’ve spent my adult life watching stuff that makes me uncomfortable because I don’t have a right to exert my feelings as mattering

Now I’ve taken to watching safe anime

Just desperate for something new that isn’t heavily sexual

I just want something to watch

It’s either children’s shows, or shojo anime and I’d like something new

Balance

Moderation

Something