Elucidating Questions

Have to cut my plans with my family get together for Christmas short

Because I have to be able to work tomorrow

A new pay period

Let’s ignore the three missed shifts from the last one

The Sun is coming back

I can tell because I woke up this morning

And actually woke up

And maybe my solstice sleep is the relief

Finally

To have you coming back

These months are cold and lonely Mr. Sun

Without you to talk to

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight

And stop sleeping until the alarm

I’ve been feeling so sick

It’s hard to work up the motivation to not get by

You hear me?

Like I already feel like death walking

And you want me to serve people for several hours only to not make ends meet?

But I like working

It would just be easier to motivate myself for it if I knew I’d be able to afford everything

Like the fear of the failure snowballing doesn’t hit me

This culture of putting your everything into it or else you face consequences

Has become a culture of facing consequences regardless of how hard you work

For the working class anyways

I saw these wars coming at 16

The world has become exactly like I said it would

Fuck if I have that much power let’s have naked people dancing in the streets

Now the evil billionaire bad guy runs the US

I was set up by media, TV, books, to spot the bad actors in the world

There’s always a bad guy

The problem with books is there’s always a bad guy

For all his minions and what not the battle is wages between the good and him a

There isn’t one Dark Kingdom in this story

There’s untold numbers of them

It’s not fucking Freeza

It’s every fucking billionaire and every mega corporation

And the worst part

The worst part is the good guys can’t win because there is a system in place, willfully maintained by the masses despite their oppression, to make sure if anyone slips out of line they can bring down the force of a military on them if required

Any thousands of dollars thrown at it

If Jesus did come back?

He’d end up shot

In jail

I don’t believe in that whole thing

I believe in single people doing good things

But can all the single good people gather together and actually affect change?

I don’t know if they would allow it at this point.

A rich boy hunting down a CEO

That doesn’t scream to them oh my god they’re attacking eachother now, there isn’t enough room at the top for anyone but the most cut throat and they’re turning on eachother

It screams outlier?

Yet terror charges are thrown down

Are CEOs a protected class?

Don’t worry, that was rhetorical, it’s fairly obvious they are

Otherwise, which people was he trying to scare to conform to what exactly?

I’m not about to stab my CEO in copycat move or anything

Hell, as always, I’m harmless

Just yelling in my corner of the web

I was really hoping for an organized effort

It is unfortunate he is a lone wolf

I think we’re well past the part of this possibly happening without loss of life being required to make change

But I think our side has paid enough blood sacrifice

The Universe demands balance

It may be their strange sense of balance

But we either find it or fall off the ball

Do or die left because no one showed up

Humanity has a lot in its hands right now

If everything collapses

There will be societies that live on afterwards and laugh

They’re getting exactly what they voted for

And everyone else is getting sucked in

I can’t run away from the very real fear

That I’m just dying

And this is the end of my life

It feels like it

My body doesn’t do what it used to

These past few weeks I’ve barely been conscious

I ask

Is this life?

Or is it death in slow motion?

And my fear

It grips me

I suggest at least three shocks of existential terror a day

And I breathe through it

But at the back of my mind I wonder how many breaths I have left

And I’m all alone besides my helpless animals who couldn’t do anything if something went wrong

Sometimes waking up in the morning feels like a miracle

I get bizarre symptoms

Like the other night I’d get these waves of pressure in my head and then I’d feel really woozy

And then you play do I go to the hospital or is this just another thing

And I want to know if I’m okay but it’s so obvious I’m not and I don’t know how to fix it

I’m terrified and alone

There’s no one who sees those moments and tells me I’m okay

I claw myself out of them

Afraid of drowning in the dread

And people look at me like I’m a hypochondriac

My question is do regular people get pressure building in their head that becomes dizziness/confusion/uncomfortable feelings?

All this other stuff I experience

Is this all normal?

Profound exhaustion

I feel like I haven’t slept in days

Yet I go to bed

That nap I took from 10 to 12:30 was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks and it wasn’t enough

Why is nothing ever enough?

How to quell the fear?

I’m so terrified that I’m slipping away

And it feels like no matter how much fight I put out this disease has the upper hand

In so many areas of my life I’m putting in my all and getting back nothing

There comes a point where when you hear the words “hard work” you just see red

Because everyone is assuming the reason you don’t get much out of life is that you’re not working hard enough

I’m being swallowed alive by this disease

How do I make my brain sleep?

28 events an hour of my brain just waking up

I could sleep forever and never feel awake again

And I’m afraid

Because I need to be capable of working the minimum that I do

And I need to be able to handle things on my own without assistance

And like 60% of the year I can’t

I wish I could transform into a well me

But the well is always a well

That’s not me

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be awake?

The last time I felt awake I was psychotic

Maybe well is something saved for a me who can’t feel anything but insanity

Is there a place for Sleeping Beauty on this planet?

Eh,

Nix the beauty

I just need sleep

It’s been so far away from me

I can’t give up

I have to keep believing it won’t happen

Have to keep envisioning that place

A place for me

And my companions

Somewhere

An unseen scenery

Some place unknown

Somehow I have to protect this belief from all the doubt and the fear and the reality

That somehow this will go right

This place I’m now dreaming of nightly again

Out the back deck door

Take off and fly

So afraid of what I need

Because needs are things other people have

Not me

Not me

And maybe I was on to something

With all my insanity intact

That these types of diseases are a sickness of the soul not having its needs fulfilled

Shoddy science, but I’ll take it because now there’s studies implying the same thing with fancier words

My strange knowings

How do I imagine a place I’ve never seen, I wonder?

See, all my life, I had this wild and vivid imagination

I’d be told about x and I’d imagine x and then x would happen and I’d be left with that bitter taste of reality

Reality is so

Colourless

Sometimes

I prefer the mind of wonder that came up with those imaginings

Because now I’d dare not

I’ve spent my life accepting things as they are regardless of how I wanted them to go

Plans don’t work

Reality eats plans for breakfast

I feel like anything I imagine will be ruined

I almost prefer the part before you know anything

When all those imaginings are alive

Imagine it was as important as existing

That existence was sacred

Maybe I did overlook something fatal for me

There’s nothing but to continue

Is there?

I’m aware

Of the problem

I’m stuck here

Some days I don’t know if suicide is sad or brave

Putting your foot down in the most clear way

Of course

They’re so many people who hate themselves

It’s hardly a protest at most times

It distorts in front of me

Mine and others’

If their’s is a tragedy

Why does mine look required?

I won’t let it be the end of me

If anything I have to harden

The thoughts of the past can’t scream here

It may be the single biggest put aside of my feelings in my lifetime

Do you truly believe?

Can’t hold on to yourself long enough to explain how

I’m sure it’s but a moment

Up and down

So tired we are

I have to just be okay again

I suppose if I die between now and then I’ll know it wasn’t going to go well

Or maybe I just didn’t believe enough for the both of us

Terrorist?

Terrorist?

I think they just implied that anyone who agrees with what this kid did is a terrorist

No?

Hardly weeping for an evil person being expunged from the realm

No you can’t just exile them at this point it’s too late

So much blood spilled

For fictitious numbers

For vacation homes, vacations, leisure

How someone can be causing this much pain to others and not immediately kill themselves I do not know

The depths of depravity this species will sink to

Hundreds of thousands?

Millions?

Human sacrifice alive and well

The Sun demands nothing of us

This ball of fire in space just gives into space constantly

Its light

And, yeah, bad shit comes from it sometimes

Rather his ancient rage escaping into the endless darkness

I am a barely contained vessel of rage

It’s all I feel

It’s within us

The rage

The rage we see in the Wind, the Oceans, the Sky

If there was a time to harness it and make something happen it’s now

They’re blatantly saying the quiet part out loud,

That anyone who doesn’t conform to the quo of peppering the field with bodies,

Healthcare abuse,

Is an enemy

That’s fine I’ll be an enemy

Speaking from my tiny corner may be all I can do

But you’ll never slay my mind where I walk free of the shackles of humanity

Even if it’s nothing

Even if this is the only rebellion I can muster

It’s time to lend our voices to the people speaking out

They think they can just say

Yeah, killing people for shareholders is a part of our government

And nothing will happen

This culture war has to stop

Stop trying to police other struggling people

You’re all focusing on the boogeyman across the aisle

Meanwhile the guy on stage is literally murdering people for profit and you’re not fucking paying attention

I may have nothing

And be nothing

But this can’t happen

We can’t let them rule over us like kings

And anyone who pays in to their luxurious lifestyles, aims for it

They are only gunning to step on other people

There can’t be silence anymore

I wish I could turn this broken mic

I wonder if the Aztecs were on to something

That we have to make human sacrifices to the gods

Not in an “let’s make human sacrifices” way

But in an

Aren’t we already, every day, all over the world, making human sacrifices to appease our new world gods?

Cash and CEOs

Do you think they make those choices because some ancient Aztec was right and they just haven’t told us so?

If not then aren’t they just evil themselves?

Boom, dead

Replaced

With a bonus of dead citizens’ blood

Thousands of dollars to catch a guy who killed one guy

Fuck

Well they’re absolutely adamant that they’re the ones whose blood needs protecting

And then we just lock up anyone who felt united by the plea

I didn’t want to die

It was him or me and them

If only righteousness made waves

Of course they only report what they want us to hear

I forget the majority of the world is not in the internet

I have no idea what the outside is like

Now how many gunned down children is a CEO worth?

The real questions

Not the answers though

This caste system they claim doesn’t exist

If some guy killed me tomorrow they probably wouldn’t even take enough time to investigate to find out I’m non-binary

They charged my ex with assault because I didn’t do them the favour of dying when he tried to kill me

So there was no proof

You hear stories?

Ah, yeah, the police couldn’t do anything

So while they’re peppering POC with bullets

Counting the bodies of children shot by others, shootings they just can’t stop apparently

They still have time to make sure an old white man CEO gets justice

How touching

Is there a word for this level of depravity?

I wonder when the wolves are coming

We could use a god that can actually be a person for a moment and not just push but punch us into the right direction

Of course that’s not how gods work

So many other things to worry about in this world than what the stupid humans are doing

You think they would want to save us?

I was craving more

Guillotines

And rich people being separated from their heads

Ah well

My CEO didn’t have to worry about affording the heart medications that make it possible for him to work this week

Though I know my story is not unique to any other employee

School shootings don’t make me sad now

No, they enrage me

You’ve had the warning occur over and over and over again

That guns need to be addressed

But, no, man hunts for CEOs instead

I am exhausted and sick and probably going through withdrawal from a medication I stopped taking because I’m sick and tired of taking 5 medications that each make things a tiny bit better

I’m so done with how bad at caring humans are

There’s some good ones, but, damn

Watching it all continuing to go to hell

It is the end of the world

They just don’t see it because it’s happening right in front of them

I keep having nothing to say

What haven’t I already said time and again?

I count being forced to go back to live with my abusive father and unsupportive brothers where no one will respect my gender, as homeless

I.e. I will have no home

I will have a house

Oh save me from this

The house of my nightmares

This course I’m on

I didn’t ask for this

I did everything to distance myself

But it I can’t bring them with me

What’s the point?

My animals that keep me sane

You expect me to walk away from them with any option?

He was awful

Made me feel stupid and small every day

I don’t know how to resolve with the younger me

Who is terrified of him

I wonder if this path is connected to something else and I missed it?

I miss a lot of things

Misfires included

It’s hard to be in control of something you have no control of

Out of context clues

Yes, I get that you left hundreds

I never know what they mean until it’s too late

Maybe it was me

Calling from the next year

If it was, me sounded fine

I think

I like this storm

If anything it feels like my insides are on the outside

Watching the Wind whip through the trees

I dismiss the hope

The fearsome aspects of nature are more my friends than people sometimes

Because something else has that rage

The supreme rage that doesn’t care what it destroys

Without for once

Instead of within

Terrified

Just staring into space being terrified

Author, I hate this

I can’t handle this stress