Elucidating Questions

Dear me from the past

Thanks

I know what you were doing

I didn’t want to pay for it all to be shipped or the duties

But you were just trying to ensure future me who is me now had something to do

You were so terrified of how it would be without anything that you over compensated

That’s me

Over compensating

So desperate to not feel poor

That you made us poor again

Ah the wheel

It turns and at moments it shines on me but it’s always temporary

I don’t want large sums of money just thrown at me

I’m irresponsible because I’m desperate and don’t now how not to be because of how I’ve lived

Don’t know how to fill all my alone time in such a way that it doesn’t lead to me feeling like I’m not doing anything

Which I know is a capitalist thing

I must be doing something productive

It means on me and makes me feel like I should be doing something

I see a day of playing games as wasted because it was just me

ライチュウありがとう

I know you try to do things so future me will have a better time

Even if you’re thinking about the right now

Without noticing, perhaps

We’re just very bad at being helpful

下手れで

Beautiful rain

If we’re connected like a relay

Passing it on forwards as long as we can

I’m glad we’ve started trying, at least, to make life for our future self better

We didn’t do that before

Is every meeting destined?

A resounding No from the Universe

What are they then?

That Happenstance thing?

How do you tell the difference between a destined meeting and a happenstanceical one?

Butchering English, that’s what we’re doing here

Nah, just playing with it how it was designed to be played with

Accidentally I’m sure

Was that destined?

Just then?

Was it not?

I rescued someone from having to buy new shoes for their kid

Oh look a murder of crows

Lewis?

Not for long

Counting down the days until I am who I say I am

I granted myself that wish and I am grateful

Expensive as it may have been

Was my wanting to change my name, destined?

What is destiny?

The home I want to return to, the friends I imagine, that I dream of

Are they even something I can go back to?

In my overdose dream

I was being constricted

Pressed in on from the outside

So different from the usual me spilling out of my body

Pressure from without

Then it was someone

Coaching me through awfulness

I remember almost giving up but I didn’t

I’ve spent years thinking over it

Was all of what has happened to me some plan?

I feel so out of control

So trapped

Getting by on chance meetings

If there was going to be destiny I’d have hoped mine was

Reaching the heights I wanted

With the people I wanted

I wish I knew what destiny is

What Happenstance is

I’m plagued by not knowing what my own future is

Do you ever eat something that contained seeds and then find a seed in your mouth later?

I’m sure some people spit them out but I always bite them because seeds usually taste really cool

I was eating an everything bagel a few minutes ago

Found a fun seed just now

See my life does contain what I would deem as good moments

I enjoy finding fun seeds

Because you usually only taste them as an accent

But my memory is so bad

I’m going to have forgotten about the seed but for this pretty much as soon as I’m done writing

Some days are dark

I keep hearing in my head

From my lovely commentator

You’re being negative

Be more positive

Echoing voices heard throughout my life

My brain does such a good job of telling me I’m not trying hard enough, I just need to get over it, whatever and what have you

When humans reinforce it I break a bit

But I have these moments

I have scattered memories

These little things in the world that challenge me to be awake and present

A bird landed by my foot on the doorstep at some point today I think or possibly yesterday

It wanted out of the rain

Then it saw me

But it’s such a privilege to have a wild thing so close even for a second

Just keep going

I feel like I lose something very important if I give up

But I’m terrified it’s a false flag and there’s really nothing here for me

Things just get harder

I live on less and less while prices go up

All the little moments are being dwarfed by the very real spectre of homelessness and starvation

I am fat, but I’m fairly certain I’m malnourished along with everything else

There’s no other explanation for this ravenous hunger when I’ve never really eaten much

Just terrible food, that’s all

I’m afraid and the little happinesses

I feel like they’re drowning alongside me

I wish I knew a way to magnify the happy things

It was a fun seed

Interesting that Facebook would make a Never Ending Story reference when I’ve been tortured by the concept of being nothing all day

My one great fear, born from a children’s movie

Nothing

Terrifying

What does nothing look like?

You say nothing but you’ve never seen nothing in your life

You’ve seen the absence of a thing

Never no actual thing

Atreyu dragging the horse through the mud

Both?

I’m both the horse and Atreyu or one or the other depending on the day

Insisting I can drag humanity through this somehow

Being dragged by the mysteries of the Universe

The brush of the wind on my cheek

The way a star shines

It’s interesting how that movie became a metaphor for my life without the hero

Just me

Alone in my castle

How I identified with that empress

Never knowing it was ironically probably because I’d be the one slowly disappearing

No hero

It’s reality afterall

There isn’t one

How do I wield my strength in ways that actually help me?

The clock is ticking

Am I about to be sent to some far off place to disappear faster?

I won’t have access to the services I need anymore

You wouldn’t have to drag me if it wasn’t so awful all the time

The world around me

My life

I crave stability

But it’s something I’ll find alone

I suppose

No one’s coming to my rescue

I learned of something very sweet today

In the comments section of an awfully acted video skit.

The premise of the video was adopted black son wakes up from a nap, walks into his kitchen of white family members and gets confused

There were comments on it from adopted people, and adoptive people

Both saying they’d had experiences where they forget they or their loved one was adopted

One from a woman who has a black son in law and almost forgot he wasn’t just her son

One from a sibling of an adopted child whose parents accidentally filled out his adopted sibling’s family medical history completely forgetting he was adopted

I was not aware things like this happened

Sometimes humans are so wholesome I could die

It made me wonder if my mum ever got to forget she was adopted

And sadly doubt it

Her biological mum is

I have opinions I won’t express out of respect for my mum and the complexities of her relationship with her and her adoptive parents

My Papa passed away when I was 2.

My Nana when I was 14.

Ish.

I had always learnt about adoption and how it went from media and my family

And my mum didn’t get the happy adopted life she deserved her parents went through the great depression and a world war.

Maybe I figured all adopted kids had these issues you hear about in stories or that my mum went through

Isn’t human love beautiful?

When it’s at its purest

When blood doesn’t even matter anymore

I wish we nurtured that kind of love in this society.

It’s a similar love many teachers have for their students year after year

Accepting them as their sudochildren for a year

Now I’m well familiar that some teachers suck absolute balls and their existence within the broken system that is public schooling enforces said system

But some teachers do it because they love their kids

That matters

It’s that trait that should be nurtured

Not egomaniacal megalomania dressed in heaps of capitalistic exploitation

I don’t believe most people are good anymore

I believe most people are out for themselves and some people are good

I believe that most people have the potential for good

As much as they have potential for evil

But that our society demands so many shades of grey be black and white from us that most people are acting on the selfishness of self preservation

Myself included

Things are too complicated to be as simple as good and evil for the majority of humanity

But learning about these behaviours of people

It makes me sad that so much potential is being wasted but also I have so much admiration for the accidental good things people do

I don’t know how things are going to look in a few months

But at least humanity is hiding things like this from me too

It’s not all unabashed evil to discover