Elucidating Questions

It’s the one promise I can count on

Isn’t it?

If I feel uneasy, and say to the Sun

You’ll come back right?

He always will

Usually he says

I’m not going anywhere

But great beings don’t understand distance to something like me

Tiny and swallowed up the the Earth

Yet

When he returns he has this tinge

This “Come stand in me” tinge

Is it colour?

Is it the light missing the people it sees?

Whatever it is I oblige

Behind the tree

Will you be back before I move?

So uneasy these feet with no place to land

And I didn’t jump, the earth was taken from beneath my feet

I used to give my landlord a pass

He was decent and he was creating housing by having his basement for rent

It never occurred to me that after 7 years it would just be like

Yeah you’re out in four, three, two months

Unceremoniously tossed out

I keep begging out into the space around me

Someone find me something

But, you know, currently without what feels like a home because my was a home feels like it’s just slipped so far from my reach

I am now temporary and it will exist long past my exit

Not mine in the slightest

This illusion of possession

What I had fooled myself into feeling was mine was just another passing through moment

At least every Sun beam feels like home

Terrified of the unknown

I know what I imagine

It’ll only be worse

But I stand in the Sun

And it’s familiar, warm, excited to have found me

I can imagine it and it’s exactly that

Maybe because I’m remembering and not creating the future

How to?

Is it my fault for not knowing how to make it open in my vision?

If the future would open

I want to finally find home

Sorry Sol

Coming to you is coming home

But I can’t follow you to stay there

It’s like seeing the future

But am I a seer of the future or a reader of history with a heavy favour on the voiceless who were made to suffer?

Sometimes I see things

The wars

Still don’t know what’s what until I meet it though

Sometimes I write something seemingly innocuous and then it turns into a line in my real life later on

Sometimes the signs are loud and I still don’t know what they mean

But so much of what I saw in the future

Just looking, I would say, casually

Seeing it happen

I wonder was I seeing it coming or afraid and it made it come sooner?

More gaslighting of myself

No, I was in those comments sections

If I was afraid it was with a conviction of knowing I was afraid of the future

Besides I should try to lose that awful saying that what you fear will come to you

How is it my fault what I fear?

I have a very vivid memory, I must have been 4, I was playing with baby spiders at daycare

And one of the daycare ladies lost her shit and told me it was awful and gross and spiders were icky and

And so I became afraid of spiders

I’ve mended that error of parenting

But how many fears do I have because someone else placed them there?

I may be a precariously stacked tower of anxieties and fears

But underneath that, is a person upon whom those anxieties and fears were stacked upon

I still remember my first panic attack/meltdown

How angry I was

How scared I was

That fear that my parents didn’t love me and that I would never be allowed out of my room

I haven’t been the best caretaker in my life

I probably created fears and anxieties in my brothers as well

Wasn’t taught the fragility of a child until I was already an adult

Don’t know how I was supposed to figure it out as a child myself whose fragility was often mocked and shamed

Not that it ended as an adult

Just that it matters a lot less when you aren’t hearing it from adults whom you’ve been taught have absolute authority

So afraid of the next year

I don’t want it to be January 1st 2025

One day closer to losing my home

One day closer to that lunatic and his greedy stupid baby partner running a country

The very real possibility that these people all around me will let them do what they’re planning with no fighting back

These complacent fucks letting shit get worse

What can I do to prevent the future I see?

Because clearly this isn’t working that well

Dreams are funny

The waking ones

This is a good number to have this topic on

It’s going to sound sappy

But don’t give up on them

I always sink so far

That dreams seem unrealistic

Foolish

But then little ones I had over the years

The kind of dream coming true that you turn back to your little self and do a high five

The baton pass of dream from unrealised to reality

I did it

You tell them

The you who saw the dream grow and disappear

As time, circumstance, or interpersonal relationships changed around you

It’s true and I won’t deny it

Some dreams never come true

But I think we should still believe in them

Believe up until the last moment that if we had enough time we’d find them somehow

Maybe in a different casing

Maybe in a different way than was expected all together

Believe that if you had all the time on Earth you would achieve them

Curse the frailty and impermanence of life

Never the dream for dreaming

Because isn’t that something that our society tries to beat out of us?

Dreaming, seemingly foolish things, is frowned upon, no?

Because it makes you a fool

My dream of a planet where there didn’t have to be peace because there was no war and every living thing was cared for, not domesticated, cared for

In balance with nature, not her adversary

That makes me a fool

Dreaming of myself living comfortably, as a disabled person who shouldn’t be working

That’s makes me a fool

So be it, I suppose

I’ll play the fool, it’s not like I haven’t, the Joker always hanging by

I think we need to believe in our dreams

Believe they’re attainable, make steps to make it so

Of course

It’s funny people call me a pessimist

That whole disappointed idealist thing rings true

I think of dreaming as somewhere where everyone has freedom

I forget in the moment that some people genuinely dream of taking people’s freedoms away

What a place this is

I’d say we should banish them, but I don’t want them to be on Earth so I suppose we should start banishing people by sending them to space

Head bad guy in charge could finally see Mars

Not that I really want them anywhere near any of my precious planets

I speak this question to the space around me because I don’t know who to blame

The Sun?

Saturn and Jupiter?

The Moon? Our Mother Earth?

How did you create these things?

Regardless and because they won’t give up on their twisted ideas

We have to dream harder

Believe harder, fight harder

Dreaming is so important

Fight for them

May they come together in the most unexpected and deeply satisfying ways

All these damn regrets

I wish I hadn’t

I wish I had

Would I be without them if I asserted my will?

Didn’t fool myself into trying to fit other people’s needs and wants?

It’s Christmas so it’s time for regret

Regret that I let my cat get taken to the SPCA and subsequently put down because she had a heart problem

Regret that I threw away plushies and blankets

Regret that I did stupid things that made entire families turn against me

Wouldn’t I have somewhere to go?

It’s Christmas and I’m doing laundry

One of the most annoying tasks

And regretting

So much of it

Haven’t heard a word from anyone

No one knows I’m here yet I’ve been here this entire time

Christmas used to be my favourite holiday

It was so much fun going out and buying presents for mom and dad with dad and mom.

It wasn’t about the presents it was about the atmosphere

I never remember the atmosphere of the one Christmas I remember clearly again

The holiday slipped away

Dressed itself in capitalism

And reintroduced itself as a time of hell for me as a worker

When I hear “Merry Christmas” now it feels like it’s mocking me

Because it isn’t and it won’t be

Shouldn’t drink eggnog anymore

Like everything I liked about this holiday is gone

Family getting together

Now it’s like a meeting every year

Here we all are see you again next year

For a few hours

The gift giving is gone because I can’t afford it

When I was still getting student loans I used to pretend Christmas happened again in January and spend my funds on gifts for people

Judging by the amount of people left now that I can I imagine it was a pointless effort

Spending money I could have spent on food on people who weren’t even going to be around five years later

Nevermind ten

Regrets

I regret giving so much of this self I created for the sake of other people and not giving myself a chance

But now I don’t even know if they would have accepted a real me

Nor how to be anything but the mask in the face of someone who may be dangerous

And anyone is dangerous

I don’t know who I am underneath

I’d like to think I’m much similar

Kind as a reaction and not a defense

Less defensive

But only the stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets see the real me

Animals

I don’t know who I am to people without something in the way protecting me from them

I’ll get some sign, some facial expression, some statement

I’ll amend myself

The reshaping begins

I wish I could be me in my dreams

So sure of whatever it is we’re doing

The wind picked up

I suppose Hermes has come to say Merry Christmas in their way

A sigh for you, my friend

May you carry it off somewhere to join your rage

I am tired

I am alone and I have so many regrets just

Just piled under the tree

I’m so used to being told I’m not a trustworthy author of my own story

Sometimes I’ll convince myself I didn’t see something or hear something

Because I don’t trust myself

Because I was taught not to

If there’s no proof, who knows if I really experienced anything at all?

There’s no one to enforce that I’m not making things up

Of course something will happen sometimes to prove I was right to begin with

But everyone tries to tell me I’m making things up

I never know whether to trust myself or not

Maybe that’s why I never told anyone about what that boy did to me when I was younger

I don’t trust myself to be trusted

I expect people to disbelieve what I tell them

Everything I say seems to come up against a brick wall

That just tells me people don’t really trust me

It was written in my medical records

Makes things up

Exaggerates

Even the doctors won’t trust me

But I swear I’ve just been telling it like I see it all along

How I feel it

How I experience it

I was an honest person who now lies to avoid telling truths no one will believe

This world makes you fit into such strange shapes to fit in

In walks a problem

In that I knew what I was talking about until you walked in way

Sucking up chemicals to regulate the relative trauma of just sitting in a house all day doing nothing

Is that good enough?

Jesus

If I retell everything from an angle I didn’t see

People usually believe me

It’s funny because my adoptive sister growing up told these huge hyperbolic stories about things like they were worse than they were

I’ve just figured that anything I see can be disproven unless it’s proven

The Sun is coming back

He’s always somehow knocking on my window at sunrise once the solstice hits even rising on the other side of the house

It’s only to imaginary confidants I can speak what my mind sees as truth

I’ve lain awake at night agonising over all the lies I’ve spoken to maintain a truth others want to hear

Truth is funny like that

When it’s what they expect they take it and never think twice

But my life of crazy fucking shit

It’s not fair that words I want to hear are spoken by others for others

But that’s how life works

So we live in their truth

I mean

People already hate me

In general

What could it hurt to live my truth now?

Besides more looks of disbelief and distrust

I wish looks didn’t hurt me

Why am I so terribly thin skinned?

I don’t know what being honest would do

I suppose I could conduct an experiment and find out

The sky is so perfectly moody

Apparently Hermes will be raging

As they’ve been doing

But now, the trees, they just wiggle

This kind of sunset is beautiful too

The darkness of the night in the shadow of the clouds

Could rain

Doesn’t seem to want to rain on me

Thanks!

These are cloud reading clouds

There’s a dragon in them right now, a baby

Now there’s a uterus, how lovely

Yes, I do think women need to be the face of any movement we make

They are powerful like dragons

And their rights are just at risk

Thank you sky

Left work early because my skin was burning

Burning

An airplane

I wish I could go somewhere different for a bit

But I don’t have the energy to deal with flying

Lack of funds as well

My body is like a prison

I want to get up

Get up and run away from it

It’s this anchor to my situation

I want to be able to fly

Like I do in my dreams

I prefer my dreams

Even if sometimes the disability comes in

The city is cooler

The big blue bridge is still there

I have that cool friend that just sticks with me

Unspoken things that hurt in daylight but taste sweet when in them

Being close

To someone

My nightmares have become kinder since I got the crystal bundle from the healer I know

Whether that’s because of the actual rocks or because she blessed it before sending it and she’s an amazing healer

Who knows

Nothing else I’ve ever tried worked

I’m in this situation where I can’t move

I have no moves

It’s

Well it’s like being tied up and watching terrible things happen around you

I doubt anyone else is really effected by my inability

This is my hell to contend with

And all the other hell going on around me for everyone else 

I do hate what we’ve become

What humanity looks like to an outsider right now

Along the way one could have used the excuse they didn’t know any better

But we’re at a point in history where the pain of humanity is available at our fingertips

And yet we’re not doing anything

There’s no real change being demanded

Besides a change back to treating other humans differently than you based on some arbitrary categorization

And they all seem to be imagining themselves as a winner

In our modern definition of being an exploitative, steps on anyone who gets in their way, achieves everything through force, winner

Their faceless underlings behaving and then being the flawless leader

They desire a hierarchy they stand on top of

Everyone is so desperate to be the winner of the modern game of life

My dream is getting by

I got to live it for a moment

It’s not in my interests to participate in this desperate ploy for head bad guy

I wish everyone would dream