Elucidating Questions

Does anyone else feel like they just can’t find their people?

I envision this selfless relationship where we both just do things for eachother because we want to

I’m still looking for someone to embrace me

Truly embrace me

Celestial non-binary, definitely crazy, definitely strong feelings

Just take me and accept me

Someone who gets my pronouns right

My ears are so used to hearing the wrong pronoun they reflexively close as it comes to the part of the sentence where pronouns are

Startled awake when it’s right

Still looking for someone to take the desperate me and understand why

Someone who understands

We’re so tired

Wanting from me

Produces a wall

But when it’s unexpected I’ll bend over backwards to provide

I hate obligation

I’m not obligated to do anything I’m a damn human being

A living creature with its own dreams and needs and I don’t want to feel obligated to anyone for anything

This overflowing soul is screaming for freedom

Not captivity in human expectations

I’m more wild than you’ll know because, other than the explosive one, I, I hide it away for the sake of others

Unlike so many

Because that’s something I feel obligated to do

Because I’m weird and complex like that

I feel obligated to humanity but refuse obligations to single humans

Unless they’re a special person

I haven’t had one of those in a long time

I wonder how long I’ll be in the middle?

How do we find the people we seek in a sea of no’s and rejection?

I don’t know, if the point of this exercise was to make me admit that I can live, completely alone

With birds pecking me

Yeah, here I am

And it’s horrid

Do you expect me to say it’s fine like this?

It is miserable at best

Isn’t it so crazy how many layers to human suffering there are?

Better off than most

Alone as hell

Balancing on the edge

Because I see them suffering and you’re all trying to make me join them?

Is it easier to scrape them off the ledge than to build a rescue for those below?

Government, society, these people with all the power

Despairing from the thought of being one of the ones who’s really suffering

The cause of my greatest fears coming to light walks in

And walks out casually

Can my heart take the scraping?

I’m in the process of the government trying to abort me late in life

Funneling me ever closer to needing to apply for MAID or be homeless

Homeless with chronic illnesses and a walker

I mean, other people are doing it I guess

There’s no net

Just so you’re all aware.

There is no safety net

It’s a sieve and we are tiny particles of flour

Only those bloated by status don’t fall through

No community to save me

It’s one of those things where I wasn’t expecting but I was hoping

It’s all up to the Universe and the universe

Have fun deciding who wins I gue

I feel lost in this world of hustling and bustling, to and fro

I can’t keep up with the go go go

I just sit here watching it all transform around me

Entire communities where there once was forest

Can’t go back to my childhood play place

It’s townhouses now

There is no decrepit Elven Playground

Lost in the forest having appeared from who knows where

Years of the elements showing its age

No, it was torn down along with the trees

I didn’t get to see the teeter totter tree slowly rot away and return to the Earth

Leaving that poor tree that bore her to finally rest

There are no streams in river

Trickles of water here and there

Always heading to the pond

Yet a pond it stayed

Until they drained it

These transformations in the name of human gain

Only for the houses they built to skyrocket in price and suddenly it’s the rich that live here

And the poor should just leave

So they are, good luck

This progress

This ever achieving more, and more

Exponentially

As if our achievements are the Universe themself, expanding ever outward

Neverending

It ends

Everything has a limit

You fly to it

Then decend

If we managed a certain height throughout we’d achieve more than a desperate bought for the top does

The burst

The burn out

Every bubble bursts

I don’t know where we’ll be when the Universe does but here?

I can see and feel the limit

We’ve reached it and they’re still pushing

This funneling of cash upwards

If we’re not at the breaking point now we will be in a few years

God I hope someone wakes the fuck up before that happens

I don’t know

Someone who can actually rally people to a cause

What’s the good of being awake if it’s just to stay here and see things steadily getting worse?

Why can’t I experience the anaesthesia that the masses are on?

Steady my thoughts and just ignore it so I don’t see it coming

Can’t see my own future, but humanity’s?

How to create something else

I don’t know

To blindly believe in the good, when I’ve been shown so much of the bad

You ask for it

Over and over

Belief of the future

It’s all going so much faster than me

I am but a broken shell containing a frazzled and stressed out spirit

My ability is not controlled by belief

I need a right hand

I always feel like that’s just the wrongest term and I hate it

仲間が必要ね?

Ah these words we use that don’t convey all the things we want to say

If only I could know every language ever spoken and have a word for everything at once

I don’t know why you encourage me, I go at such a slow pace

Everything is changing around me

While I feel I stay the same.

Toxic social media

Being force fed right wing conspiracy rhetoric

I don’t want to hear about the blood that’s gone bad anymore

I don’t care if you think vaccines are evil

But it’s fucking everywhere

Sitting there

And I block and remove things from my timeline and what have you but what about the people who don’t?

What about the people that don’t know better?

The apparently millions of them?

One step further into the cult

I don’t believe in anything but freedom and yet they say they’re the ones championing it while screaming to remove the rights of others

Limit others somehow

What is the point of it?

My freedom ends where another living being’s begin

What is so hard about that?

I don’t need this hammering of garbage

I’d rather go without it

So naturally I’ve been doing everything else

But sometimes I go back for a moment

My follows, entirely left leaning people

Versus the just tonnes of crap

“Biological sex” bull shit

Vaccine bullshit

Just stupid things I don’t care for

I have games to play

Well

My fingers ache

Winter must be slinking in

The keyboard is having trouble reading my fingers

But my point is social media is just trash

I’m so over it

Frankly vicious

The darker side of me

Hates everyone and everything

Save a few special people

The numbers of whom dwindling by the year

I am at my most wild right now

There is so much being demanded of me daily from all around

Forms to be filled out

Papers to sign

Boxes to fill

It’s so overwhelming right now that meeting my basic needs feels like a chore of demands

I don’t want to do the dishes in order to get breakfast

I just want breakfast

And the chores all around me

Do this

This and this

We don’t hate the fancy monkeys

What a thing to call humans

Christ

We just can’t handle any more demand for anything right now

I feel like I’m constantly working on filling demands

It’s exhausting

You’re kind of a prick, you know that?

You do know that

Ah, well

I don’t know how to embrace something so prickly

We’re polar opposites

Me and you

Me and me two

I believe he hates them because he’s supremely disappointed in them

The same reason I love them

It feels like we’re on opposite sides of the glass

I’m afraid to try to break through

Would he consume me?

Compartmentalized brain

Same space

Different times

An old defense mechanism?

It’s lost in the timeless memories that never return but for fleeting moments

Where we live them like a dream

Afraid to sully them

They come, uncalled

At the strangest moments

When did it happen?

Was it when I touched the stars?

The heat fused us together?

You were a thought

Well I thought you were

But thoughts come alive in this fifth dimension of my mind

I suppose I created something stronger than me

Just teetering on sanity

Always so angry

It’s all from inside but it ends up outside

Where do I go when I go and he’s writing angry letters into the void?

Do we imagine a soft resting place within for eachother?

I am the Moon

Light and Dark

When you see his face you don’t see any face

How fitting

They wouldn’t recognise it from inches away

As if he’s not even there

There nonetheless

I’m not coming in apologising for his words anymore it’s expected and I hate being expected

I tire

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do

Just persevere

When I feel like people are demanding something from me

I automatically want to stop doing anything related to their demands

Why Hermes brings me these people who just

Act like they own part of me

I love most people, but I don’t even have enough for myself

Of me

Extra steps and pressure

But I’m a chicken shit

I just am

Humans scare me

Their potential for harm

I’d rather people treat me like the feral thing I am stuck in society by chains of the damned

I try to relate

But I can’t

I’m some other type of thing

I can’t meet the wants of others

I need stress free interactions

For the love of god

I’m so stressed already

My life is imploding

Please tell me one of these fancy monkeys can talk to me without demanding from me

What did you think it was the nice one talking?

Nope, gone, quite often these days

Gentle beings can’t handle rough circumstances

At least not this one

Best to seal the people pleaser away

We’re not here to take care of anyone but us right now

Life is hard enough

The Rabbit doesn’t need this crap

I’m supposed to read one of my poems aloud

I want to

But the day slipped away

Maybe I’ll just hum Inu Yasha themes into Tik Tok

I am afraid to put my voice out there

Even in private conversation with people I know and trust I don’t feel comfortable doing vocal interaction online

Who knows why this is

Maybe it’s just a general distrust

I rarely make videos with me talking and when I do I’m nervous as hell

I hate my voice

I imagine it to be grating on other people

The couple videos I did singing were supposed to be something but they never were

There’s videos of me singing random Japanese songs on YouTube somewhere I’m sure

I used to be much for open with it

I don’t know what I’m hung up on

It would only take a second but apparently my executive disfunction has picked this

What would it mean to read it out how it was mean to be heard?

My bouncing from subject to subject

Ever trapped in intertextuality

It’s hard to believe that this trove of words has any worth

I wrote it

And its initial intented recipient never even read a word

How can there be value where he found none?

The hummingbird wants to know why I place worth in what he finds value in

It’s a fair question

I don’t know the answer

When the question is asked

As it is I turn back

Just for a moment

But it’s short lived, isn’t it?

A glance and then it slips back into place

Can I leave bare the intended reading?

Seeking solace in devices as usual

I don’t know if my voice is worthy of being heard

It hardly is ever heard

Isn’t that by design?

Shouldn’t I be silent in my corner?

Never growing out into their precious space

All the space around me

In this form I don’t fit within

Is this the place I’m meant to be?

Well, I suppose not, I’m moving in 4 months and 2 weeks.

I should start packing but I’m paralyzed by fear

I don’t know

I should do it

Read the poem

What else is my useless Instagram for?

I need to find ways to be accessible

Unfortunately poetry is the nichest thing I could have picked

But what would be the video?

Not me

God no

Perish the thought

And I don’t have much to film

Take video of

I have nothing to 撃う

I picked that kanji by reading not the actual kanji but the vibe of it

God I’m strange

I want to be fascinating

It just ended up happening in a weird way

Okay

I will make the video

I will

Just not today

I’m always missing the timing of my crash from work

I’m exhausted even though I slept

How does one create the future?

I imagine a world where everyone eats

Sleeps somewhere warm

Gets to indulge in activities that fascinate them

Where everyone contributes what they can and not what is demanded of them

But reality doesn’t look anything like that

I’ll try

I just have to get over myself first