Elucidating Questions

The juxtaposition of me crying

And you laughing

The juxtaposition of me all alone

And you with her

Jarring

Like I don’t quite belong here

Like I just don’t fit

In your world

I don’t belong here

In your world

I just want to sleep

When I sleep sometimes he is there

And I don’t know who he is

But he loves me

In my dreams

I look for him

And sometimes he’s there

At least I get to dream someone loves me

Tricks of my own mind

Never during waking hours

Only at night

If I was good I could have him

If I was good there would still be people

There’s no good here

Just a hole

There’s nothing good here

There’s just a hole

Holes aren’t good

Neither am I

I wish I didn’t feel despair when thinking about romantic relationships

Didn’t see all the nothing in my life

It opens wide and swallows me whole into nothing

Your silence fucked me up

Now I think I deserve it

Your silence fucked me up

Now I expect to pour my heart out

And hear nothing

You fucked me up

Deciding to brush me off like a bug

Now I feel like one

I can’t see past 2000 fucking poems

And the silence that follows them

There’s just so much

It’s locked inside

Doesn’t want to bubble up

If I let it out what will happen?

Probably a lot of nothing again

There’s never any answer

If I pour my heart out

There’s never any reason

If only there was a reason

For loving you

No matter how far away

I can feel you near

But you don’t feel me like I do

There’s no last hope

There’s no holding on

There’s nothing

There’s nothing

When you’re all alone you start searching

Until you can find a new best friend

But sometimes no human comes along

And your friend is an animal instead

When a guinea pig is your best friend you have someone to sit with

When a guinea pig is your best friend you will see gratitude

A guinea pig won’t judge you

Or hurt you

Or abandon you

When your best friend is a guinea pig kisses become currency

I’ll lick you three times if you give me a carrot

When your best friend is a guinea pig wheek wheek wheek sounds like I love you

But also like it’s veggie time

You’re reminded to appreciate the little things like dinner time and snack time

When your best friend is a guinea pig you’re not friends for long

But every moment counts

And every cuddle counts