Elucidating Questions

Dear you

I don’t know what to do

Every night I dream of you

But when I wake you’re never here

I search the night to find you

I’ve walked a thousand miles

But when the sun touches my face

I don’t see your smile

When you hold me I feel safe and whole

When you’re gone I feel so lost

How do I live life without you?

If you’d come I’d pay any cost

If one love you get

Where does that leave me?

Was I never really in love?

Or was my love just not worth as much?

Is my love not worth as much?

I wake up at night

Sweating through my skin and my joints are tight

Screaming who do you love

Wondering where you are today

What you’re doing

How you’re feeling

Was it not enough?

But I got so attached

Begging every day for a moment that

Could lead me to your light

I didn’t want a fight

I tried so hard

I thought that you’d be here

But you just disappear

Fuck Father’s Day

Fuck Father’s Day and all the deadbeat fathers who think they deserve to have a day dedicated to them

Fuck not there fathers

Fuck half assed fathers

Fuck fathers who emotionally abused their children and remain in complete ignorance of what they did

I’ve never met a father who deserved a day of dedication

Is a birthday not enough?

Fuck greedy fathers

Fuck fathers who use their children

Fuck Father’s Day

You don’t deserve it and I hope you know it

Father

I just want to feel better

But I can’t afford it

I can’t afford to feel like a normal person

I keep dreaming if only if only

But there’s no way to say it

I need it to live

Because they never bothered to study Fibromyalgia

And I can’t afford it

So I can’t afford to live

All my needs are met but I’m not living

In pain

In fog

Alone

At the very least I wish I could afford to live

Why is that so much to ask for?

Alone and alone

I know I’m not alone in my experiences

Many many humans

But I’m alone

The more I interact with people

The more alone I feel

Like I’m on the other side of a wall

And I can’t be heard knocking

It’s clear like glass and I can see them

They’re interacting

Friends

And I’m

Just something else entirely

Who knows?

I don’t

Pain

Sitting in a room full of people

And all I think is

Pain

I used to love the rain

Used to love cloudy days

Now they bring me pain

My beautiful rain

My beautiful rain

I miss feeling your drips on my skin and feeling bliss

Without pain

I wish I could go back to days where I danced

With my beautiful rain

I mourn the days I loved the rain

Now my favourite thing

Just hurts