Elucidating Questions

All these damn regrets

I wish I hadn’t

I wish I had

Would I be without them if I asserted my will?

Didn’t fool myself into trying to fit other people’s needs and wants?

It’s Christmas so it’s time for regret

Regret that I let my cat get taken to the SPCA and subsequently put down because she had a heart problem

Regret that I threw away plushies and blankets

Regret that I did stupid things that made entire families turn against me

Wouldn’t I have somewhere to go?

It’s Christmas and I’m doing laundry

One of the most annoying tasks

And regretting

So much of it

Haven’t heard a word from anyone

No one knows I’m here yet I’ve been here this entire time

Christmas used to be my favourite holiday

It was so much fun going out and buying presents for mom and dad with dad and mom.

It wasn’t about the presents it was about the atmosphere

I never remember the atmosphere of the one Christmas I remember clearly again

The holiday slipped away

Dressed itself in capitalism

And reintroduced itself as a time of hell for me as a worker

When I hear “Merry Christmas” now it feels like it’s mocking me

Because it isn’t and it won’t be

Shouldn’t drink eggnog anymore

Like everything I liked about this holiday is gone

Family getting together

Now it’s like a meeting every year

Here we all are see you again next year

For a few hours

The gift giving is gone because I can’t afford it

When I was still getting student loans I used to pretend Christmas happened again in January and spend my funds on gifts for people

Judging by the amount of people left now that I can I imagine it was a pointless effort

Spending money I could have spent on food on people who weren’t even going to be around five years later

Nevermind ten

Regrets

I regret giving so much of this self I created for the sake of other people and not giving myself a chance

But now I don’t even know if they would have accepted a real me

Nor how to be anything but the mask in the face of someone who may be dangerous

And anyone is dangerous

I don’t know who I am underneath

I’d like to think I’m much similar

Kind as a reaction and not a defense

Less defensive

But only the stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets see the real me

Animals

I don’t know who I am to people without something in the way protecting me from them

I’ll get some sign, some facial expression, some statement

I’ll amend myself

The reshaping begins

I wish I could be me in my dreams

So sure of whatever it is we’re doing

The wind picked up

I suppose Hermes has come to say Merry Christmas in their way

A sigh for you, my friend

May you carry it off somewhere to join your rage

I am tired

I am alone and I have so many regrets just

Just piled under the tree

I’m so used to being told I’m not a trustworthy author of my own story

Sometimes I’ll convince myself I didn’t see something or hear something

Because I don’t trust myself

Because I was taught not to

If there’s no proof, who knows if I really experienced anything at all?

There’s no one to enforce that I’m not making things up

Of course something will happen sometimes to prove I was right to begin with

But everyone tries to tell me I’m making things up

I never know whether to trust myself or not

Maybe that’s why I never told anyone about what that boy did to me when I was younger

I don’t trust myself to be trusted

I expect people to disbelieve what I tell them

Everything I say seems to come up against a brick wall

That just tells me people don’t really trust me

It was written in my medical records

Makes things up

Exaggerates

Even the doctors won’t trust me

But I swear I’ve just been telling it like I see it all along

How I feel it

How I experience it

I was an honest person who now lies to avoid telling truths no one will believe

This world makes you fit into such strange shapes to fit in

In walks a problem

In that I knew what I was talking about until you walked in way

Sucking up chemicals to regulate the relative trauma of just sitting in a house all day doing nothing

Is that good enough?

Jesus

If I retell everything from an angle I didn’t see

People usually believe me

It’s funny because my adoptive sister growing up told these huge hyperbolic stories about things like they were worse than they were

I’ve just figured that anything I see can be disproven unless it’s proven

The Sun is coming back

He’s always somehow knocking on my window at sunrise once the solstice hits even rising on the other side of the house

It’s only to imaginary confidants I can speak what my mind sees as truth

I’ve lain awake at night agonising over all the lies I’ve spoken to maintain a truth others want to hear

Truth is funny like that

When it’s what they expect they take it and never think twice

But my life of crazy fucking shit

It’s not fair that words I want to hear are spoken by others for others

But that’s how life works

So we live in their truth

I mean

People already hate me

In general

What could it hurt to live my truth now?

Besides more looks of disbelief and distrust

I wish looks didn’t hurt me

Why am I so terribly thin skinned?

I don’t know what being honest would do

I suppose I could conduct an experiment and find out

The sky is so perfectly moody

Apparently Hermes will be raging

As they’ve been doing

But now, the trees, they just wiggle

This kind of sunset is beautiful too

The darkness of the night in the shadow of the clouds

Could rain

Doesn’t seem to want to rain on me

Thanks!

These are cloud reading clouds

There’s a dragon in them right now, a baby

Now there’s a uterus, how lovely

Yes, I do think women need to be the face of any movement we make

They are powerful like dragons

And their rights are just at risk

Thank you sky

Left work early because my skin was burning

Burning

An airplane

I wish I could go somewhere different for a bit

But I don’t have the energy to deal with flying

Lack of funds as well

My body is like a prison

I want to get up

Get up and run away from it

It’s this anchor to my situation

I want to be able to fly

Like I do in my dreams

I prefer my dreams

Even if sometimes the disability comes in

The city is cooler

The big blue bridge is still there

I have that cool friend that just sticks with me

Unspoken things that hurt in daylight but taste sweet when in them

Being close

To someone

My nightmares have become kinder since I got the crystal bundle from the healer I know

Whether that’s because of the actual rocks or because she blessed it before sending it and she’s an amazing healer

Who knows

Nothing else I’ve ever tried worked

I’m in this situation where I can’t move

I have no moves

It’s

Well it’s like being tied up and watching terrible things happen around you

I doubt anyone else is really effected by my inability

This is my hell to contend with

And all the other hell going on around me for everyone else 

I do hate what we’ve become

What humanity looks like to an outsider right now

Along the way one could have used the excuse they didn’t know any better

But we’re at a point in history where the pain of humanity is available at our fingertips

And yet we’re not doing anything

There’s no real change being demanded

Besides a change back to treating other humans differently than you based on some arbitrary categorization

And they all seem to be imagining themselves as a winner

In our modern definition of being an exploitative, steps on anyone who gets in their way, achieves everything through force, winner

Their faceless underlings behaving and then being the flawless leader

They desire a hierarchy they stand on top of

Everyone is so desperate to be the winner of the modern game of life

My dream is getting by

I got to live it for a moment

It’s not in my interests to participate in this desperate ploy for head bad guy

I wish everyone would dream

Have to cut my plans with my family get together for Christmas short

Because I have to be able to work tomorrow

A new pay period

Let’s ignore the three missed shifts from the last one

The Sun is coming back

I can tell because I woke up this morning

And actually woke up

And maybe my solstice sleep is the relief

Finally

To have you coming back

These months are cold and lonely Mr. Sun

Without you to talk to

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight

And stop sleeping until the alarm

I’ve been feeling so sick

It’s hard to work up the motivation to not get by

You hear me?

Like I already feel like death walking

And you want me to serve people for several hours only to not make ends meet?

But I like working

It would just be easier to motivate myself for it if I knew I’d be able to afford everything

Like the fear of the failure snowballing doesn’t hit me

This culture of putting your everything into it or else you face consequences

Has become a culture of facing consequences regardless of how hard you work

For the working class anyways

I saw these wars coming at 16

The world has become exactly like I said it would

Fuck if I have that much power let’s have naked people dancing in the streets

Now the evil billionaire bad guy runs the US

I was set up by media, TV, books, to spot the bad actors in the world

There’s always a bad guy

The problem with books is there’s always a bad guy

For all his minions and what not the battle is wages between the good and him a

There isn’t one Dark Kingdom in this story

There’s untold numbers of them

It’s not fucking Freeza

It’s every fucking billionaire and every mega corporation

And the worst part

The worst part is the good guys can’t win because there is a system in place, willfully maintained by the masses despite their oppression, to make sure if anyone slips out of line they can bring down the force of a military on them if required

Any thousands of dollars thrown at it

If Jesus did come back?

He’d end up shot

In jail

I don’t believe in that whole thing

I believe in single people doing good things

But can all the single good people gather together and actually affect change?

I don’t know if they would allow it at this point.

A rich boy hunting down a CEO

That doesn’t scream to them oh my god they’re attacking eachother now, there isn’t enough room at the top for anyone but the most cut throat and they’re turning on eachother

It screams outlier?

Yet terror charges are thrown down

Are CEOs a protected class?

Don’t worry, that was rhetorical, it’s fairly obvious they are

Otherwise, which people was he trying to scare to conform to what exactly?

I’m not about to stab my CEO in copycat move or anything

Hell, as always, I’m harmless

Just yelling in my corner of the web

I was really hoping for an organized effort

It is unfortunate he is a lone wolf

I think we’re well past the part of this possibly happening without loss of life being required to make change

But I think our side has paid enough blood sacrifice

The Universe demands balance

It may be their strange sense of balance

But we either find it or fall off the ball

Do or die left because no one showed up

Humanity has a lot in its hands right now

If everything collapses

There will be societies that live on afterwards and laugh

They’re getting exactly what they voted for

And everyone else is getting sucked in

I can’t run away from the very real fear

That I’m just dying

And this is the end of my life

It feels like it

My body doesn’t do what it used to

These past few weeks I’ve barely been conscious

I ask

Is this life?

Or is it death in slow motion?

And my fear

It grips me

I suggest at least three shocks of existential terror a day

And I breathe through it

But at the back of my mind I wonder how many breaths I have left

And I’m all alone besides my helpless animals who couldn’t do anything if something went wrong

Sometimes waking up in the morning feels like a miracle

I get bizarre symptoms

Like the other night I’d get these waves of pressure in my head and then I’d feel really woozy

And then you play do I go to the hospital or is this just another thing

And I want to know if I’m okay but it’s so obvious I’m not and I don’t know how to fix it

I’m terrified and alone

There’s no one who sees those moments and tells me I’m okay

I claw myself out of them

Afraid of drowning in the dread

And people look at me like I’m a hypochondriac

My question is do regular people get pressure building in their head that becomes dizziness/confusion/uncomfortable feelings?

All this other stuff I experience

Is this all normal?

Profound exhaustion

I feel like I haven’t slept in days

Yet I go to bed

That nap I took from 10 to 12:30 was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks and it wasn’t enough

Why is nothing ever enough?

How to quell the fear?

I’m so terrified that I’m slipping away

And it feels like no matter how much fight I put out this disease has the upper hand

In so many areas of my life I’m putting in my all and getting back nothing

There comes a point where when you hear the words “hard work” you just see red

Because everyone is assuming the reason you don’t get much out of life is that you’re not working hard enough

I’m being swallowed alive by this disease

How do I make my brain sleep?

28 events an hour of my brain just waking up

I could sleep forever and never feel awake again

And I’m afraid

Because I need to be capable of working the minimum that I do

And I need to be able to handle things on my own without assistance

And like 60% of the year I can’t

I wish I could transform into a well me

But the well is always a well

That’s not me

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be awake?

The last time I felt awake I was psychotic

Maybe well is something saved for a me who can’t feel anything but insanity

Is there a place for Sleeping Beauty on this planet?

Eh,

Nix the beauty

I just need sleep

It’s been so far away from me

I can’t give up

I have to keep believing it won’t happen

Have to keep envisioning that place

A place for me

And my companions

Somewhere

An unseen scenery

Some place unknown

Somehow I have to protect this belief from all the doubt and the fear and the reality

That somehow this will go right

This place I’m now dreaming of nightly again

Out the back deck door

Take off and fly

So afraid of what I need

Because needs are things other people have

Not me

Not me

And maybe I was on to something

With all my insanity intact

That these types of diseases are a sickness of the soul not having its needs fulfilled

Shoddy science, but I’ll take it because now there’s studies implying the same thing with fancier words

My strange knowings

How do I imagine a place I’ve never seen, I wonder?

See, all my life, I had this wild and vivid imagination

I’d be told about x and I’d imagine x and then x would happen and I’d be left with that bitter taste of reality

Reality is so

Colourless

Sometimes

I prefer the mind of wonder that came up with those imaginings

Because now I’d dare not

I’ve spent my life accepting things as they are regardless of how I wanted them to go

Plans don’t work

Reality eats plans for breakfast

I feel like anything I imagine will be ruined

I almost prefer the part before you know anything

When all those imaginings are alive

Imagine it was as important as existing

That existence was sacred

Maybe I did overlook something fatal for me

There’s nothing but to continue

Is there?

I’m aware

Of the problem

I’m stuck here

Some days I don’t know if suicide is sad or brave

Putting your foot down in the most clear way

Of course

They’re so many people who hate themselves

It’s hardly a protest at most times

It distorts in front of me

Mine and others’

If their’s is a tragedy

Why does mine look required?

I won’t let it be the end of me

If anything I have to harden

The thoughts of the past can’t scream here

It may be the single biggest put aside of my feelings in my lifetime

Do you truly believe?

Can’t hold on to yourself long enough to explain how

I’m sure it’s but a moment

Up and down

So tired we are

I have to just be okay again

I suppose if I die between now and then I’ll know it wasn’t going to go well

Or maybe I just didn’t believe enough for the both of us