Elucidating Questions

I’m terrified

My father asked me to move in with him

Besides the fact that I am unsuited to an environment where I’d be living with my brothers and my father

My father who I still have nightmares about

My father who chased me down the stairs as a kid

My father who told me all my friends would get tired of me and leave

And was right

No, the life I imagined for him, as a teen fresh out of that house of filth and abuse

Became the life I lived instead

Almost a decade living like this

And now I have to throw in the towel and say well dad you left me with PTSD and untold numbers of trauma experiences

But, yeah, I’ll move in with you dad

Hermes I liked that one

She wanted to buy my mascots but she was sweet

Sometimes you send me good things

But you can’t expect me to be okay when all my freedom is about to be taken away

I’ve joined the I didn’t see it didn’t hear it crowd when it comes to shop lifting

I used to take it personally when people stole from my stores

Now I’m like

Do it

Work is easy in comparison to the torment I’ve been under a la my brain

Posing situation after situation of me living in that house with my father

It shouldn’t be an option

It shouldn’t have to be

My inability to fly

Disabled people should be taken care of

My dream of a little house where I live with my live in cook and cleaner

That’s not what I’m expecting

But at least enough to pay rent

Not a shelter portion of the disability benefits being $450

When rent in this city is $2200

You can’t find a room for that much

$450

And why should I have to give up every piece of furniture I’ve scraped together over these last 10 years?

My animals?

My space?

Because I’m disabled and thus not even worth housing?

Well it doesn’t contribute 40 hours a week to our society so housing it is too much trouble.

Me being the it

I spent half an hour staring at my stars last night

Realising that I’ll be moved into a city probably

They’re going to be drowned in the light of it

Will Jupiter still punch that hole throw the atmosphere when I see him?

Will Saturn, right by when I needed him most, but now moving away again until after I’m gone

Will he be visible there?

Why is everything

Everything

I built being taken away from me?

You’d have me back in that house

When I only ever dream of flying away from it?

I didn’t reclaim my house in Sooke

I visited it for a bit

Am I to somehow reclaim this house while my father is still living in it?

I’ve been stuck in the gravity of this black hole

Parts of me being pulled away

I had foolishly convinced myself I had gotten out of its grip enough that I could still survive

Just that

Just survive

And a fool I was

Will it consume me?

What will be left?

How do I escape this?

I thought you were the way out

What do I do now?

I feel so demanded

There are so many things I have to do

Paralyzed by fear and anxiety

I’m feeling so overwhelmed that when the coffee maker said it needed water I was tempted to just be like

No, fucking do it yourself!

Even though that’s physically impossible

I’m so tired

I cannot explain how tired I am to people

It has a profoundness that I can’t properly describe

A weight and a depth I cannot put into words

I am exhausted as if I’ve worked several consecutive 12 hour shifts

My body is so bogged down by itself

But I have to find the strength to pack everything up

Even not knowing where it’s going

Even not knowing where I’m going

I need help

Again

But do I ask for it?

It’s too big a job for me, my mind can’t break it down into little pieces

I’m trying

But these huge projects all I see is the whole thing needing to be done I need to have help until I absorb the pieces of the puzzle

Trust me I’ve been trying to convince myself to just do a piece, it immediately starts worrying about other things, and then I anxiety forget about it

I wish I could voice and receive the help I need

What do I do?

I’ve packed houses bigger, but with a good deal more energy

Which is wild because I was already energy deficient

I’m exhausted

Beyond it

There isn’t a word

I need an actual vacation where there’s just no demands at all

Actual freedom

It’s funny because I should have taken that money and gone to Japan or something

I would have had a better experience

Still my slight elevation out of hell was scorned

I just enjoyed myself for a moment in time I’ll never get back

And I always have reasons

Nothing I do is ever truly spontaneous

I’m wild to all but my own code of living

I don’t know why I have to have a reason for everything

I don’t know what would make it easier for others to accept

Everything

It’s hard to be pulled in so many directions at once

I just want to go back to my life two months ago.

Idk does anyone have just a spare couple thousand a month they could send me just for funsies?

No, of course not

Everyone is suffering right now just at different levels

I took a selfish moment to take a break from the suffering

I know it’s nev coming back but I wish everyone lived like I did

My heart aches queerly

Fuck it

Like it ever had a chance

Like it’s missing something

Hope certainly fades away

I’ll sing

But it won’t bring me any closer to home

Is it for you or me?

Undone

Unwanted

The laughter the sirens

Jesus Christ

No I won’t

Safe with the rock

Like a hammering of the past

Wrapped up

Top 2% probably the only thing I’m in the top 2% of and it’s bitter

Because what does it mean?

Nothing

It’s over

It’s so over I just ache in moments and then put it back in place

I wish someone could hear me

Someone who doesn’t want to own me

That knows I am a wild thing

The Bunny and The Cat

What no one told you is bunnies are just scared, shy, cats

So I mean, aren’t we just a pair of cats?

Staring out into the night wondering what’s next?

Fixing our gaze on the thing in the distance that never gets closer

What is the thing I wonder?

Will we ever know?

If someone could hear us

I asked how could we possibly not be alone when we’re always alone?

Someone might be thinking of me

I don’t know until they make it known

Is there even a place for me here, among all of this?

This progress?

Tearing down the much loved bingo hall to build luxury condos

Because fuck the seniors and their activities right?

If we can fit more rich people there we should

I don’t know

It hurts

Being left behind

But it makes sense to note that I may have never been in front of the person who left me behind

Those mysteries he holds

I wonder how many secrets he’s carrying?

All those secrets

It’s okay

I don’t smile anymore and that’s okay

I make a face that resembles a smile without feeling it

It’s okay

It was supposed to be this way

It must be because that’s what happened

I don’t feel this song anymore

There was so much loss and I realised love songs weren’t about me

There’s another me wrapped up in this

It’s not me anymore

Because I never met anyone

Love songs are about other people

It’s a lesson I won’t soon forget

I hope

Am I even allowed?

Well it’s over

Honestly

I’m not the type to want to belong to someone

But they never want me

Can’t pick

If it happens it happens and it just so happens it’s not going to happen

So there are some words I guess

When war ends there are no winners

Only those left rebuilding what was left

I’m living for that little notification that I’ve been sent $5

It’s unexpected but I’m still waiting for it, somewhere inside

Because the gesture makes me feel seen

Someone took time out of their day to think of me, unprompted, mind you

It’s so appreciated

You know what I did when I had amassed a small fortune of $10 on my paypal?

I bought Pokemon stuffies

Just something dumb that I couldn’t have afforded otherwise

It was a good deal on the stuffies too

I’m going to remember that they wouldn’t be here if not for the kindness of a random stranger

I don’t know who this person is

Don’t know what they look like

I just know they’ve been sending me $5 randomly

And it means the world to me

That someone sees me

You could say it’s change

That with fees it’s like $4.50 or whatever you want, to diminish it

But it lights a little fire in my soul

Someone thought of me today

And it wasn’t about what they wanted from me

It was about what they could give

Drowning in expectations

Overwhelmed by everything

But that gesture

Thank you random human out there who thinks of me

I don’t feel so alone

Love will fix it!

Except not at all

Thanks for shutting me up I guess

I love you

Like a knife

Like here’s some emotion that I claim to feel for you that’s totally going to help with me being destitute and unable to afford food and clothing and pain management

It’s like “I’m sorry”

The cop-outiest of cop outs

Oh you’re sorry, I guess my sister didn’t die then and everything is fine

Oh you’re sorry, I guess I’m not hungry

Meaningless words

What does it mean to be loved?

My definition is clearly different from everyone else’s

How you all sit by and watch this happen and pepper me with your “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s like they fix anything

It’s not even a bandaid

It’s code for this conversation is over and I’m done talking to you

While you have big fancy dinners and outings with friends and I sit here and rot and eat microwave crap

It’s meaningless

I love you means nothing

I’m sorry means nothing

So here I sit with my collection of nothing words

Are they supposed to make up for anything?

What’s the point of saying them when you have no intention of doing anything?

Oh I’ll just pay for clothing with I’m sorrys

I’m sure love will pay for food too

Love doesn’t mean anything

All these stupid love songs don’t mean anything to the people who wrote them anymore

Just words in time

I don’t know what the point of anything is

I work only to not be able to afford

Not even what I want, but what I need

Hours of my life wasted with people who can’t read price tags

Common people

As fascinating as they are

Are fucking mind numbing

And my stutter and aphasia make me sound dumber than I am, but I’m screaming on the inside at people who can’t figure out that 42.00 half price is 21. And argue about it

No, apparently the literal staff discount isn’t good enough for people, nope

Meanwhile I work there and can’t afford the clothes

Ah, the pyramid I’m at the bottom of

Had to listen to my father going on about how his son doesn’t talk to him and he doesn’t know why and he’s so innocent and just giving him the space he needs

While I know he’s a terrible person and I tried to cut him out but circumstances ruined it

I wish I’d never taken that money and just continued to suffer

I probably would have finally killed myself

Fucking finally

Everyone is waiting

Only Jesus knows why I haven’t had a gun anywhere near me so I can just do it

I read about it, all the ways I could kill myself and what would happen

Call me a coward but I’m already suffering and the idea of then spending any amount of time experiencing all the suffering I have left to experience in one go is just not

It’s not it okay

Hell I saw something from a dude who tried to shoot himself in the face and fucking failed

The description of how it felt

Why?

Why is my only way out to do through more suffering?

Why don’t I get to find peace before erasing myself from history?

It’s suffering one way or the other

That’s it, that’s my choice

I remember the bad feeling in my overdose dream

The worst feeling I’ve ever experienced

Pain, despair, horror

I’m terrified of that feeling

Am I torturing myself?

By living?

I hate this place

I want to go home

I just learned the meaning of Welsh

I’ll be a foreigner

Aren’t I though?

Stuck in lands that speak to me but aren’t mine to call home

Nowhere to call home

Always on the outside

Even in my family I’m on the outside

Foreign

And isn’t the language I speak different?

Doesn’t it diverge from conventional uses and dialects?

It lit something in my blood

Foreigner

Bite the word

Crush it in my teeth

Screaming for somewhere to call home

All along home has been somewhere I will never see

A promise

Only the promise of continued loss

Just take it, they say

Fall a little further

Don’t I feel like a foreigner?

Yeah I am Welsh, no kidding

What am I?

Where do the trails of the past lead?

Names I’ll never know

Names are

Names aren’t something other people give us

I can’t make it

It is that hard

Goodness you’re being apt again

Why does everything sound so easy to you?

If society didn’t take from me I wouldn’t be wanting more

I do see

It’s unstoppable

I haven’t a hall

A kin

Needs are selfish

I suppose that’s the sin

Must consume, own, etc

I remember being told not to be so selfish

Now I feel selfish for wanting a home

Somewhere for me

Served the papers at 9:30pm

Didn’t sleep until 1

Woke up from nerves at 8

Work tomorrow

Meeting my father

Didn’t know I’d be working a 6 hour shift afterwards when I made the date but whatever

I don’t know how that’s going to go

Stress never ends does it?

Conflict never ends

It’s unfair

Why is it unfair?

Why is it always stacked against us?

Making me fight

For a place to be

Are you going to let me live through this I wonder?

I want to run away

I really don’t have anything left in me

That last spurt of hope was like it dying inside me

Maybe it bled out

Always the foreign never the known

Fascinating only to those who want to consume me

I don’t know what the plan is, again

Terrifying

Uprooted

What is it for?

Why does my racist label fit me?