Elucidating Questions

Maybe I’m too blunt

Saying Jesus has no time for you and me

But it’s probably true

Unless you’re trapped under a bus or something

But also Jesus seems pretty ineffectual

Less like a miracle and more like a friend who sits with you through it all

Not like a saviour

More like a guy trying way too hard

They never seem to mean what everyone hears

Thousands of years of telephone

Humans really are no good at this

Maybe I’m too harsh

Or really not harsh enough

I just don’t think

They have time for us

I still find myself thinking of you

Like when the subject is you

It’s you

Ah what a stubborn heart

How it still looks at you and beats I will never know

But I come alive when I think of you

Like my body forgives me for a moment

If only I could only look at you again

Just see you and know your every move for a moment

We would never dare ask more

But we want it with both our souls

It’s something new so my mind grabs hold and

Thinks and thinks and thinks

And

What if it all goes terribly terribly wrong?

And how do we make sure not to make the same mistakes

Don’t get attached

Be attached

And it flies on forward like

What could go wrong though?

Think about that for a while

I said I was good with change but what I meant was

Change is agonising up until the moment I realise all the agonising was in fact for no reason whatsoever

Oh if only I had a mind like everyone most everyone some people

That didn’t worry and chew and stew

I wish for a mind like that

Wouldn’t it be weird if one day we all hear this booming voice say

Hey everybody I’m

Let’s call them Jimmy

And it turns out there was a… God/dess

But they became disappointed with us

And we’d been collecting dust on a shelf or something

And they lost it in a bet to Jimmy who was super keen to try to set things right on Earth

So they set about teaching how to help the poor and how to fix the way we live and how to love one another

They would mandate acceptance and discipline isms and ists

Wouldn’t it feel just a tiny bit invasive?

Just a wee bit like now no one had a free will at all

Sometimes I wonder why the god/s/dess/es do not speak

And then I think of how it would feel if they did

Perhaps our only hope is the watcher

Whoever stands voiceless beside and doesn’t move a muscle and does move the threads but doesn’t weave their own story

Dread if I could hear them

I have this feeling like I want to say something

But I don’t know what it is

Something life changing?

Am I frustrated with someone?

What do I want to say?

I feel like if I say it nothing will happen

Maybe I just want to say I’m lonely again

Maybe I just want to feel reassured

Try not to feel like a failure at 30

Needing to be reassured

Like a child

Will parts of me always be a child?

Like I’m stuck simultaneously between adulthood and a wide eyed brand new human.

What if what I want to say doesn’t have words?

Like how I’m feeling right now

Very half…sideways… overwhelmed…

Or something similar if there is a word for that.

And I want someone to notice and

I feel so awful asking for help

But help…

Maybe I have so many things to say they’re getting stuck in the bottleneck of my voice

Which doesn’t come out because there’s so much

Too much

To say

I’m just a little bit crazy

Just a all around non-binary human who says

Things that remind you of the crazy old man that stands on the side of the road.

No not the one that says the world is going to end

The one that says you’re all burning in the fire of the earth coming to a breaking point

Who casts a dark eye on society and

Laughingly sobs himself to sleep

Or perhaps it’s the crazy old woman

Who turns out to be psychic

Or Gandalf.

Slightly crazy

Slightly right on the nose

But also often very wrong

I’m just a bit crazy

I wonder who else knows