Elucidating Questions

I want to tell you about

How terrifying it is

Starting new relationships

What ifs and what is

And terrified he’ll break and it really is my fault and he’ll

Well if I get lucky twice he’ll assault me

And if not I could die

I never considered that another human could just

Just kill me

And yes I just went from possible new relationship to murder

It’s not a jump

It’s a mere step away

Hello, nice to meet you

Twelve months later boom

Dead

Or assaulted

And alone again

Is that how it goes?

Did “pay attention to Paul” mean something else?

Was it just a crazy coke fuelled- well crack fuelled dream?

It’s so disconcerting to never know whether

Is it prophetic? Am I delusional?

That one was prophetic but, if I pay attention to it, does it cancel out the prephetic-ness like saying your wish outloud?

I don’t want to die

Despite… Well there’s 2000 poems behind me here and many say otherwise but

Nope I don’t want to die

Is it pay attention as in avoid at all costs or pay attention as in give him all your attention?

I suppose we’ll find out

The die has been cast

I keep having the same dreams

I’m in a house

I’m moving

My ex is there, drugs, drugs, drugs

Are there animals? Is the cage too small? Are they everywhere?

When did I adopt twenty guinea pigs?

Going, somewhere.

Going through the places I’ve been in ways I’ve never

This bus almost falls over when it turns corners

This bus is a train

This bus isn’t a bus and now, with no explanation

There is no bus

Trying to get to

There to

Now we’re somewhere else

An island

Is it deserted? Are there people?

There is always a reason to hide

But I am the sneakiest™ damn human being alive

Sometimes I’m fucking Sailor Soldier

But today the island was inhabited and the pier was closed down because they were the military

And I must infiltrate

And then he starts showing up

Him the dream man him

Sometimes he’s a fucking god

Sometimes he’s a fucking human

Sometimes we’re fucking

Not today

Today the military became a hospital and I wasn’t

Was

Both was and was not

A patient

And then I went to space

These days I often go to space

Swiping through humans

Thinking this just isn’t right

In the story in my head

That my heart tells itself to sleep

He…they? find/s me

So how does that equate with

Reading some summary and swiping

Swiping

God the swiping

In my story we meet each other the way humans did before screens were invented

In my story his dog came up to me and the rest was history

But this isn’t that story

It never happened

Never happens

What is this swiping?

How do I know I like someone from a photo

I feel like I’m looking through a magazine of humans

I can’t decide what to wear on any given day you want me to choose one person out of however many, from this?

The gods know I can’t be trusted they’ve seen what I do

I can’t be trusted with this

There’s no fate for me

But I wanted a little romance

I just needed someone to tell me I’m not alone

I know it’s the obvious

I know it’s the obvious

Why does my brain play these little tricks on me

I’m a full grown adult and tricks are for fucking kids

Yet it plays

And no one ever stays long enough to say

Just say you’re not alone

Yes I do need to hear it said ten thousands times

Blame PTSD and my anxiety

I can’t see what’s right in front of me

But they said nothing

I told them right out how I was feeling and like I wasn’t even there they went on to the next thing

Maybe they thought I was ungrateful

I scream at myself when there’s no body left to fight

Don’t autocorrect to the universe’s response to me please

Right? Fight? Right?

Shut your snarky mouth universe

Snarky and always right, the bastard.

I started talking to the universe because no one else picked up the phone when I called

I feel so all alone

My mum is there but she’s not here

I don’t know if I have any friends

There’s no one rushing when I say I need someone

Best friend?

My last best friend kicked me out of her entire family over a couple hundred dollars and my mental health not living up to her expectations

I don’t trust anyone

So how can I have a friend?

A relationship for a time

But a friend

Why am I all alone on this planet?

Why do I feel like a star?

Like a great space exists between myself and others

But they all look so close together

In the sky I look up and they seem to be so close why am I so far?

A star that no one knows

Perhaps I burned out long ago

The feelings just don’t flow

Caught inside and can’t let go

So many fucking times

They just up and leave and I’m left holding the string wondering was it them or fate and who gave them the fucking scissors anyways?

It’s just goodbyes in the end

Why bother saying hello?

Victim complex

Then stop being terrible people it’s not my fucking fault you did this to me

God I wish I could be alone and not tormented by everyone else being together

And then having the gall to cry about how they’re all alone

Oh brb just let me talk to the twenty people who want to talk to me today

Okay fine you’re not alone

You’re lonely.

Check the difference.

一人 and 寂しい

Note one says ONE PERSON and the other says lonely.

Congratulations you’re just being ungrateful for everything you have try counting your blessings and realising how fucking lucky you are to have people

To say hello to

Maybe you’re just so fucking lucky you don’t even have to say goodbye to all of them

I’m alone here because no one can stand me

Because I can’t stand myself

People would flock to me if I was worth their time of day but they don’t so

So

So so.

Living in isolation with access to people doing their jobs

But only the ones paid to spend time with you stick around

Yeah I’m lonely

And I’m all alone

What am I to do?

Idle nobody in love with somebody

Whom without fail

Is hopelessly head over heals

And there’s not even a chance

Already played my cards only had one hand

And it’s done

He didn’t even say no

Just wanted you to say hello

There’s no second place I’m last place again

Didn’t count on the silence

If only I knew you, if only you saw me, if only I could see you

Forever endeavouring to get his attention but nothing ever seems to do

Is it nothing?

So much nothing

The hole in my heart says so