Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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I don’t remember how it happened
But we dropped Justice
We dropped Jupiter
But just then there was an image
And I swear there was a someone standing beside a lion and that
That looks like us, doesn’t it?
That looks like us
Is that a sign?
Or am I reading to close
Did I just see us in his beautiful colours that can’t be possible that can’t be possible
Unless it all is
Which is just far to much to think of
Because then everything is true
And it can’t be so
It pulls to hard to explain it
It’s too much
I learned more than a human mind can keep inside
It’s in my soul when I die
Will I know it all then?
I just looked again I didn’t imagine it
Or did I
When I look away my mind just doubts
They said the doubts were the thing
Stopping preventing
Oh please just be a nice little picture sent to me from Jupiter who
You don’t understand
You’ll never understand
I spoke to planets
I spoke to gods
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It stays in my mind like a sick reminder
Every thing I let into my life
Is one more thing for him to take away
Because all things end
So all these little creatures will one day lead to tears
But I love them and I need them
I wonder why he has to take them away
Why all things have to end
Is it just a law because the universe itself will one day end?
I wish something could be permanent
Something that isn’t death
Sometimes I wonder if I could be the first person to live forever and then I remember
Forever just doesn’t exist
I want to go to a place where forever exists
Somewhere I can be together with my creatures forever
Dreading the day I have to say goodbye
Sometimes I cry before it even happens
Just the thought
Just the thought of losing them
I wish they’d stay forever
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There’s a scratch on my arm
There’s a scratch on my arm right where I used to cut myself
It stings and reminds me what it used to feel like after I’d done it
It stings and I keep thinking about how it felt after I’d done it
I reminds me to remember to never do it again
Even though it’s a feeling that reminds me I’m alive
That sting means I’m alive
If it hurts that means I’m alive
Which means I have a body
Which means I have an arm
And it stings
And that means I’m alive
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He puts up with me when I cuddle him
I get all up in his face and get all over his tiny little self and just snuggle into his soft fur and
He comes to me by himself, choosing to spend time around me rather than being picked up and controlled
He wants to eat my window sill
He digs imaginary holes and plays pretend hole digging in the blankets
He’s so pure
Too pure for this world
Just so tiny
And I get to keep him for his entire life
He doesn’t know how lucky I am to have finally found him
A year’s worth of dreaming up bunnies that weren’t there when I woke up
He waits by the door of his cage in the morning
Flicks his little feet in anger when I put him to bed at night
How could something so good exist?
I’m at a loss, I love him so much
My beautiful little Pan
One month together has already been so good
And now I get years
I’m so lucky
I wish I could tell him how lucky I am
To know two tiny finger ears, the wiggly nose, the springy feet
To be allowed to hold him close and snuggle into his fur
I’m so grateful
I hope he feels safe and and home
My sweet little bun
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I should probably stop the words coming out of my mouth
Coming from a place of hurt
But I’ve asked it before
How the hell could you do this to me?
What am I supposed to do with it?
Information no one believes
Followed by six inches of feelings
Falling down from the sky
It’s not like rain or snow it’s like slime
Feelings are like slime
It’s better not to have them
If I was a more calculated person I would manipulate you into doing what I want
But I’m not
So what do I say?
Don’t do it I’ll be sad?
Means nothing to anyone
After all my feelings have never mattered to anyone
Rather be without rather be without
There’s no words
Just slime
Six inches of it remember
Worthless thoughts and feelings
Worthless heart and soul
Even if he met me he’d just turn away
Nothing special
Strike me dead
I want to meet you
I want to meet you so badly
The universe’s most loving person
Maybe I’m just jealous
All I know is it’s dark
And it’s not the same place they get to go
Trapped in a place that personifies all the things your mind told you before you
Broke the law
I don’t know why it’s a law
I wish I could stand beside all the things I learned and say they were the truth but
Why would anyone listen to me?
I’m just no one and nothing
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Why can’t by mind just enjoy a good time?
Rather pepper me with feelings
Everything is fine and I feel sad and lonely and hopeless
There’s a possible new person to get to know but I can’t let myself grow attached
Must stay six feet back
There’s no good place to state my case
I feel how I do and then
What does it change?
Feeling helpless and hopeless
Does something fix it?
Who will fill this hole?
Nonsexual
This is a nonsexual hole
More like a hole in the shape of my heart which I squished into paste and then filled all these pages with the contents
Something like the gaping hole in my chest where there was a heart
And now it’s just gaping
Do you fill it with love?
Tears?
Does “time” heal it?
Who is Time and when do I meet her?
There’s still so much to fix
I mean heal
I suppose they’re two different things
Why do I feel like this?
Everything is fine
Just grit your teeth and ride out the waves and kick the undertow in the face and
Make sure my head stays above water
Please gods let my head stay above water
Elucidating Questions 