Elucidating Questions

Is there a place I can go where I can be myself and there won’t be resounding repercussions because of it?

If I showed some selfishness that wouldn’t break a relationship

Or show some empathy without someone else deciding I’ve taken sides

That there has to be sides in the first place

It’s fun to touch it

In video games

Be a person who, though through trial and tribulation, the world opens for

There’s always a way

Always the right words to say

I want to go somewhere where no matter what comes out of my mouth I overcome it

Not doomed constantly

The last time I got evicted

And I moved in with a compulsive liar who told me she was a Yakuza wife and half Japanese

Who then made up a disease, told me she was going into basically hospice care, and forced me to move out and then blamed me when I did

And a sad man who wanted to leave his wife and for some reason got it in his head that they were going to get together

Gave up, threw a fit, moved out

And then I had a year long psychotic episode

So in terms of how I’m feeling

Like the dam is breaking

And I really just wish people would perceive my soul

Not this wretched body

Not the faults it creates in me

Quick to anger

I’m a fucking pin cushion, you try it

Quick to cry

Quick to defend myself because I’m terrified of other people

Every time I get comfortable I lose my footing

Who I really want to be

Is someone who speaks powerfully

Knows what I’m doing

In my dreams there’s him but there’s also a mission and a god to revive and I always seem to know where I’m going

Like no matter where I go something happens

What is this place of mindless wandering hoping Fate will smile upon you and you’ll run into the right person out of billions

Nevermind how untold numbers of others there could be out there

I feel like an alien on my own planet

I didn’t come from anywhere

There’s nowhere I can return to I can rightfully call home

No roots

I’m a tumbleweed

Though I suppose those came from somewhere natural as well

From the Earth

Oh Earth

I want to be a champion of you

A defender

I want to fight for my right to exist here because I was fucking born here damn it you don’t get to tell me I am unnatural

This planet is mine too

As much as I am hers

I fear never returning to her

Being kept in a box on a mantel

I’m outnumbered by people I don’t understand

That don’t understand me

And they and theirs have been telling me I was wrong or mistaken in so many ways

There’s a really angry part of me that wants to sit back and then scream I told you so when everything crumbles

Because I’ve been told I don’t belong so many times I may as well continue daydreaming about my place where people make sense

Fuck ’em, right?

But there are people who, who I still don’t fully understand, I want to preserve in this place

This beautiful nature and all she has created here

Surely humans have a place here

I, though I doubt I’m human anymore, have to protect everything with a role on this island

This land floating in the sea of space

Our beacon shining

Our cold, yet kind, guide by our side

I don’t know how you take in this place and not want to protect it

But how do I do more than escape?

Volcanoes rumbling

Dams bursting

All I know is that after the destruction of the Earth she creates

What shape is this cataclysm go

There are so many falsehoods I was taught in school

Like the Queen is a good guy

Indigenous people are protected

Canada is protected from monopolies

And “we learned from WWII and it will never be repeated”

I was assured that Remembrance Day was a fail-safe that could not be broken

We were forced to participate in school, right?

This fake participation

Like this was something everyone did

The numbers on Remembrance Day at the memorials should have told me

We learned

But does human memory only last a generation?

How does the world get in this state if “it will never be repeated”?

Like a vile cancer

It’s not drug users and petty crime criminals who should be in jail

Separated from society because they lost their privilege

Nazis should be

You’re gonna pressure people to be put into camps?

Well now you’re in one

Enjoy

I’m not a believer that we shouldn’t use their own game against them

Playing ball with these people has caused the world’s state of being

You let one in, they bring friends

Suddenly you’re a Nazi

I don’t know why people aren’t alarmed

Oh they’re just Nazis

The fuck?

Just?

Because Nazis have never been a danger in history before so we don’t know if they’re safe or not?

The actual ever loving fuck?

It just seems so stupid

And I maintain that I cannot be this much more intelligent than other people

I’ve been told my whole life I’m stupid and yet these are my peers

So many falsehoods

How did time not prove them wrong to everyone else?

It’s really hard to write right now

I feel like I’d just be repeating myself

Dreams fucked

Home gone

Will soon be homeless

Need a new job but do I start a job when I may leave the city in 2 months?

Loneliness

There is very little in my life to write that isn’t the panic I’m trying to pretend doesn’t exist

You know?

It’s hard to put pen to paper when the subject is just going to be the subject endlessly

Easier to hide from the way I’m shaking from anxiety over my home being gone soon

If I put it as far away from me as possible I can pretend it’s not there

And it can just effect my health instead

Do you know what tortures it is to experience my real emotions, here, alone?

Not an idea, most likely

And it gets hard to write when you’ve got these words playing in your head of someone taking offense with my poetry journal being about me

This is why I don’t do voice chats

When it’s words I can ignore them

When I hear them they play back in perfect stereo around me weeks later

If only the tinnitus would drown out my thoughts

Endless screeeeeeeeeeeeee

And I don’t even know when the scr was

So much to worry about

There is a chance I will not lose my animals

I’ve been living in that comfort where the anxiety of where that chance is can’t get me

Sitting there

Now I remember

How I’d offer to help and he’d refuse and then he’d tell other people how lazy I was

Do I want to go back to that house and remember why I am the way I am?

He’s cursing and grumbling and slamming things in the other room

He’s an old man now, I thought, nervously

He can’t hurt me anymore

Because that was it right?

All the slamming all the muttering and cursing

He was bigger than me and I was afraid of his rage

He spent so much time deriding me to others

It wasn’t so much what he said to my face

So much as what he said to others about me

Sometimes in front of me

I was an ungrateful child, who didn’t listen, never helped around the house, was just lazy in general

He never really saw the purpose in me watching anime (i.e. teaching myself a huge chunk of a language), or video gaming (the only socializing I could do that didn’t encur further ire of some sort)

He didn’t mind me wandering the streets at 3am though

Sigh

So many regrets

Men are a menace at 3am

And we just had food stolen from our hands

Scarred my sister emotionally, that was great

I digress

I don’t want to go back there

I feel like the black hole that’s going to swallow me has a face suddenly

The past is going to eat me alive.

It’s the one promise I can count on

Isn’t it?

If I feel uneasy, and say to the Sun

You’ll come back right?

He always will

Usually he says

I’m not going anywhere

But great beings don’t understand distance to something like me

Tiny and swallowed up the the Earth

Yet

When he returns he has this tinge

This “Come stand in me” tinge

Is it colour?

Is it the light missing the people it sees?

Whatever it is I oblige

Behind the tree

Will you be back before I move?

So uneasy these feet with no place to land

And I didn’t jump, the earth was taken from beneath my feet

I used to give my landlord a pass

He was decent and he was creating housing by having his basement for rent

It never occurred to me that after 7 years it would just be like

Yeah you’re out in four, three, two months

Unceremoniously tossed out

I keep begging out into the space around me

Someone find me something

But, you know, currently without what feels like a home because my was a home feels like it’s just slipped so far from my reach

I am now temporary and it will exist long past my exit

Not mine in the slightest

This illusion of possession

What I had fooled myself into feeling was mine was just another passing through moment

At least every Sun beam feels like home

Terrified of the unknown

I know what I imagine

It’ll only be worse

But I stand in the Sun

And it’s familiar, warm, excited to have found me

I can imagine it and it’s exactly that

Maybe because I’m remembering and not creating the future

How to?

Is it my fault for not knowing how to make it open in my vision?

If the future would open

I want to finally find home

Sorry Sol

Coming to you is coming home

But I can’t follow you to stay there

It’s like seeing the future

But am I a seer of the future or a reader of history with a heavy favour on the voiceless who were made to suffer?

Sometimes I see things

The wars

Still don’t know what’s what until I meet it though

Sometimes I write something seemingly innocuous and then it turns into a line in my real life later on

Sometimes the signs are loud and I still don’t know what they mean

But so much of what I saw in the future

Just looking, I would say, casually

Seeing it happen

I wonder was I seeing it coming or afraid and it made it come sooner?

More gaslighting of myself

No, I was in those comments sections

If I was afraid it was with a conviction of knowing I was afraid of the future

Besides I should try to lose that awful saying that what you fear will come to you

How is it my fault what I fear?

I have a very vivid memory, I must have been 4, I was playing with baby spiders at daycare

And one of the daycare ladies lost her shit and told me it was awful and gross and spiders were icky and

And so I became afraid of spiders

I’ve mended that error of parenting

But how many fears do I have because someone else placed them there?

I may be a precariously stacked tower of anxieties and fears

But underneath that, is a person upon whom those anxieties and fears were stacked upon

I still remember my first panic attack/meltdown

How angry I was

How scared I was

That fear that my parents didn’t love me and that I would never be allowed out of my room

I haven’t been the best caretaker in my life

I probably created fears and anxieties in my brothers as well

Wasn’t taught the fragility of a child until I was already an adult

Don’t know how I was supposed to figure it out as a child myself whose fragility was often mocked and shamed

Not that it ended as an adult

Just that it matters a lot less when you aren’t hearing it from adults whom you’ve been taught have absolute authority

So afraid of the next year

I don’t want it to be January 1st 2025

One day closer to losing my home

One day closer to that lunatic and his greedy stupid baby partner running a country

The very real possibility that these people all around me will let them do what they’re planning with no fighting back

These complacent fucks letting shit get worse

What can I do to prevent the future I see?

Because clearly this isn’t working that well

Dreams are funny

The waking ones

This is a good number to have this topic on

It’s going to sound sappy

But don’t give up on them

I always sink so far

That dreams seem unrealistic

Foolish

But then little ones I had over the years

The kind of dream coming true that you turn back to your little self and do a high five

The baton pass of dream from unrealised to reality

I did it

You tell them

The you who saw the dream grow and disappear

As time, circumstance, or interpersonal relationships changed around you

It’s true and I won’t deny it

Some dreams never come true

But I think we should still believe in them

Believe up until the last moment that if we had enough time we’d find them somehow

Maybe in a different casing

Maybe in a different way than was expected all together

Believe that if you had all the time on Earth you would achieve them

Curse the frailty and impermanence of life

Never the dream for dreaming

Because isn’t that something that our society tries to beat out of us?

Dreaming, seemingly foolish things, is frowned upon, no?

Because it makes you a fool

My dream of a planet where there didn’t have to be peace because there was no war and every living thing was cared for, not domesticated, cared for

In balance with nature, not her adversary

That makes me a fool

Dreaming of myself living comfortably, as a disabled person who shouldn’t be working

That’s makes me a fool

So be it, I suppose

I’ll play the fool, it’s not like I haven’t, the Joker always hanging by

I think we need to believe in our dreams

Believe they’re attainable, make steps to make it so

Of course

It’s funny people call me a pessimist

That whole disappointed idealist thing rings true

I think of dreaming as somewhere where everyone has freedom

I forget in the moment that some people genuinely dream of taking people’s freedoms away

What a place this is

I’d say we should banish them, but I don’t want them to be on Earth so I suppose we should start banishing people by sending them to space

Head bad guy in charge could finally see Mars

Not that I really want them anywhere near any of my precious planets

I speak this question to the space around me because I don’t know who to blame

The Sun?

Saturn and Jupiter?

The Moon? Our Mother Earth?

How did you create these things?

Regardless and because they won’t give up on their twisted ideas

We have to dream harder

Believe harder, fight harder

Dreaming is so important

Fight for them

May they come together in the most unexpected and deeply satisfying ways