Elucidating Questions

I’m sick of this life.

I’m sick of being told “I don’t know what to tell you”

I’m sick of living off of $200 a pay period

I shouldn’t have banked on something good happening this week

The being that laughs at my suffering

Will enjoy the next few weeks

2 months

Because it’s not actually two months, see, because he’s evicting me with February included in the time span, I lose 2 days of being here

Isn’t circumstance wicked?

I needed something positive this week

But one thing after another slipped out of my hands

Went with, in a 48 hour period, 2 protein shakes, 2 single serving chicken pot pies, some cookies, and 2 mini pizzas

And I’m just expected to be okay with this

I’m just expected to exist like this

To want to

I’m so used to things not going right

And then I’m pounded with these messages to keep believing, just believe

If you don’t believe in it, it won’t happen how you want

But when I believe

Like I kind of believed this house would be my home for a long time

I’m proven wrong

And then I’m wrong for not believing

Why is there no way to beat the awfulness in my life?

I need help

And I have tried

I’ve written thousands of posts

Put my ko-fi out there, predeceased by three other donation options that never made a cent

Made a Facebook page

My best is never good enough to make it in this world

I need

I need so many things

I guess it’s hard to read about someone else

I don’t know

I’ve never been

Producible

There’s no draw to me

Not buyable

Not sellable

Just, not even mediocrity, but failure

I can’t even afford my own food

I’m eating chicken pot pie every night

Little single serving

I haven’t had lunch, except for on this last New Year’s Eve, in years

I eat nothing and yet I’m obese

I just want to rules that apply to everyone else to apply to me

I want to have the ability to live comfortably

Of course

They’ll be taking that away from them soon

A trillionaire eh?

It makes me sick that there is someone on this planet, without shelter, without food

Someones

While there is a man with the fortune of 100 people living at the same time

Yet it’s normal

I’m not even as poor as I could be

My parents buy my food and no matter how depressing and awful that food is I’m grateful

I’ve got a person who randomly tosses $5 in my ko-fi and even though I literally can’t do anything with it besides buy dumb cheap things, I appreciate it, I’m grateful

Asking for more of anything goes against my comfort

I feel like I don’t deserve to

The government propaganda about people being on benefits being less deserving and thus rightly regulated to poverty has gotten to me, at least in my own case

I know I’m unworthy

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be enough for this world

While simultaneously being too much

Because why not be both all the time?

Oh Duo

Duality

Simplicity

Complexity

But the thought that others have to go through this

I’m not alone

Millions have it worse

That haunts me

Doesn’t it haunt them?

It’s the loneliness getting to me again probably

Alone

And trapped in a life I couldn’t have imagined

I don’t know how everyone on PWD isn’t on the streets, double so for IA.

You know, I don’t care if the way you grant my wish for a home I never have to leave is to kill me before I have to leave this one

If that’s your last gotcha

If that’s your last “we fulfilled your wish, but…”

I don’t want to do this anymore

This year after year slow trip further and further down the poverty hole

I’m done

I want to give up but I’m afraid

So do your worst, I guess

Is it so strange that I don’t break?

That was aggressive

Others have been through worse

I should be able to handle everything coming at me

And I know I’m not them

Maybe I enjoy struggling

I don’t think I do

Untamed

That’s it

I may be broken, actually

Who knows

But it’s that fire I can’t explain

Did my genetic predispositions for physical strength manifest as this… This flame that reignites?

And I hate competition

No I guess I like competition that doesn’t end in tears and blood and sacrifices no one should have to make

Too violent

Barbaric

Upon which I should apologise to the Barbaros who just couldn’t fucking speak Greek

No word to say something mean didn’t come from originally saying it to someone who didn’t deserve it

So many negatives

If I could hear you it’s your own fault and not mine

So many problems at once

This nightmare of reality

To the Stars I said

The Universe, you guys, them (the planets)

You’re pretty great

But this little pocket of reality

It is a nightmare

If I knew I’d wake up from life maybe I’d be willing

Hmm

Weeks without a whisper and here’s the third

Who’s going to hold me up?

Angels and gods?

Mysterious moments?

I can’t do it

Miracles are something great people perform

Nothing

No one

And where is You exactly?

If only it was as easy as believing

Just fly

These stories of friendship and love don’t hit the same anymore

It feels like my life ended when I was diagnosed and I like stretched it out for a bit, refused to let go, then I got the second diagnosis

Nails in the coffin

Now I don’t know what I’m doing

And the world is ending

And people need someone to take charge and do something about it but the culture wars have divided the working class as intended

They just fall for everything

Every single time

Forgetting you exist should have made it better

Why does every day teach me of some new hell the humans have committed?

It’s so disheartening

And I’ve got my little cheer leader, Japanese media, to keep me going but hope is hard to hold when humans hinder harmony

I miss English

It’s fun to play with

Japanese is like that classically trained musician employing all the ancient techniques to be respected and dressed up for,

English is like a kid you know you play with sometimes and weird shit happens because kids are weird but you’re okay with it because they’re kids

Their imaginations are boundless

I just miss it.

Man, my life is in shambles

Thanks Dan

You know they’re already thinking about it here

How they can get that done too

As if some lines on a piece of paper can dictate the gender of thousands of people

You will never legislate me into unexistence

You can write what you want and say what you want but it won’t change who I am

Your opinion on my identity

Is as important as a grain of sand to the Universe

We know it’s there

It’s hardly worth worrying about

You never said that as I discovered who I was the world would turn against me and anyone else like me

It’s concerning

I don’t want to deal with hateful people

When they pass on the street

They seem so kind

No, I suppose polite is the word

I have to remember that people don’t live by the same laws of emotion as I do

I imagine it a great effort because it would be for me

Treating others how I want to be treated

Has ended up with me being abused a lot in my life

Treating others how they deserve

Well, that doesn’t work very well

People don’t like being treated how they deserve

To exist in peace

I feel so much concern for trans siblings in the United States right now

Life is about to get even harder than it already was

If it wasn’t brave to be trans before it is now

How am I supposed to be worrying about everything happening there and everything happening in my life?

So stressed

So tired

What god would protect us now?

That wouldn’t say “well they voted for him”

They did

No one could be bothered to stop it

Nazis give Nazi salutes when they win

It’s what Nazis do

In a world that remembered WWII they would have stormed the stage and beat him

What are the poppies for then?

What exactly are you remembering?

I try so hard to not cause harm to others

Yet here we are

I thought they were like me

These people so unlike me

Feed the hungry

House the homeless

Pay the workers for their time.

My lifetime is worth more than $17 an hour

I can’t even comprehend the wages that come out of the States

I wish this all made sense to me

Because then maybe I could solve it

Instead I’m just confused

My knee jerk reaction is?

Just destroy them somehow

But that’s the animal talking

The one that doesn’t know what death and suffering are

The immediately more compassionate me

Wants to teach them

But the tired me who’s been trying to do that and failing for ten years

What do you do?

I’m scared for what happens here

I’m scared for how Canada always emulates everything the US does

It’s still a hate crime to kill me for being trans, but you never know when you’ll meet the wrong person

Be in the wrong place

It’s gross that everything is just normal

While billionaire oligarchs are making Nazi salutes in public

The disgusting ability for this society to just keep going

How many lives have to be lost before something happens?

I don’t know why the healthcare assassination didn’t spark something

They’re so complacent, someone could take their house from them and they’d still lick the system’s boots

Terrifying world

I wish to be a child again and oblivious

But I know I wasn’t

I was just worrying about different things

If prayers worked

Dear God

Please protect my friends and family, and their friends and family, and onwards into infinity

Amen

Would have covered it

Poor terrified kid me convinced I had to pray

Said that little prayer every night for years

We have to make things happen

Or they’ll make things happen

And they’ve been making things happen for millennia

With little to no sound from the people

Silence is compliance

Do I watch it, and give that cheap orange soda human-wanna-be what he wants?

Or ignore it and possibly miss something important?

Because people don’t quote they just vaguely post things like “the things he said were bad and scary”

How am I to know if it’s any different than any other day he’s been bad and scary?

I don’t know what to say at this point

I fought my battles

Tried to change minds

There’s no doing it

I’ve never believed in anything strongly enough that it couldn’t be disproven besides my own identity

I’m not the same person I was fifteen years ago because of it

Hell, even my “I want good for everyone” stance comes with the dark,

Do they even deserve it?

Doubt in all ways

But to believe these things, with overwhelming evidence stating they’re wrong

I wonder what the point of it is?

What they’re getting out of it?

I don’t want the world to be hostile

I don’t want a place free of all conflict

Conflict exists

But widespread? Nationwide conflict?

International conflict

Groups of people getting in arguments and whatever

That’s normal

What’s not normal is killing eachother over things when we know what death is

What’s not normal is breeding billions of animals to suffer just to die when we know what both are

Half our food produced gets thrown out

That’s not normal when we know what being hungry is

And that there are hungry people

It’s not normal to hoard housing, or money, or people

Everything is just so blown out of proportion and we didn’t look for answers where things mattered

Like emissions, building materials, animal consumption, human welfare

Trying to find renewable resources

We can clone a fucking sheep but we can’t figure out how to manufacture food that tastes good enough and has enough nutrition to make up for the harm our consumption creates

And the demand for new bodies

The population must grow

Why?

I don’t know

There’s almost too much wrong with it to be worth putting it together

People would have to admit that we went the wrong way for a long time

Like, a really long time

And then dragged the rest of the world down to our level

Someone bless the untouched societies of the Earth

They don’t deserve to suffer for our failures

I hate talking on the internet

First of all

Reading comprehension

Fuck

I swear people understood me better when I was in Japan, speaking a language I don’t know all of, than they do on the internet

Then they don’t even read what you’re talking about

And they’re just like let me spew more of my rhetoric

It’s impossible to form an argument because suddenly they’re blaming you for shit other people said to them

It’s so frustrating typing out the exact same thing the third time to make them understand

It’s worse because I swear I speak a different language than humans

While using the same words

And maybe that’s true

Maybe I interact with language differently because I have such strong emotions

Maybe meanings are magnified and twisted

But I’m starting to wonder if these people couldn’t pass the grade 12 English provincial in BC

I always blame myself for my not being understood

It’s like there has to be a winner in every conversation

I was not born with the competitive nature these beings profess

I just want to be understood

Course it’s not going to matter soon, I suppose, if I’m understood or not

I can’t be respected in the place I’ll be living

You know maybe he’s right

Maybe if I just lie down and take just how shitty life is it’ll hurt less

I fought so hard to be understood and ended up alone

I’ll just exist

And suffer I guess

Somehow be okay with there never being any better

No promise of dawn

This is a fucked up world we’ve created

How many more times can I say I’m about to go into my childhood abuser’s household and hear nothing in reply?

Even the keyboards are getting more fucked up

I don’t know why you made this

Society is like a four year old made a huge fucking mess and then presented it to their parents

I don’t know why you did this

It’s a huge fucking mess

I guess you got some good stimulation out of it or something you fucking unregulated toddler

I don’t know why they did this

Greed

What is it?

What is cute?

I see it, I know it

It’s an omg I want to squish it

Like almost aggressive?

Feeling

You don’t want to destroy it you just want to love it and apparently human love is squishing?

And if there wasn’t a word for it

I feel like I’d still feel it

It’s such a raw feeling

Bubbling up

Ancient

I wonder what purpose it played, evolutionarily

Sure we see our young and think that’s cute and I want to take care of it

But we don’t just see it in our young, do we?

Eagles will raise a hawk chick

A lioness will raise a gazelle

It’s undoubtedly because they had that same omg that is cute feeling

Like raw, intimate, immediate attachment

Like foam exploding from a washing machine in one of those omg the kid put too much soap in it tropes

Poof

Now I love you

It doesn’t seem to be limited to young either

Humans have a trillion different ideas for what is cute to them

Some people don’t even think babies are cute

So, like, what’s that? The cuteness perception being broken?

And mothers already have a cocktail of hormones that happen when they give birth that make love happen

Is “cute” a fail-safe?

I think about emotions and what ones we would have felt before words

Were they simpler?

Or more complex?

Unnamed

Wild

Words tame things

I say the word cute it doesn’t really ring to the emotion it’s short and stubby and the emotion is big and bubbly and fuzzy

かわいい rings more true it’s longer and trails off like the feeling does like bam it’s here and then it’s just a quiet little murmur

Still doesn’t quite grasp the real feeling

Words are inept in that way

Even with them explaining emotions is hard

Some people have a way with words and they paint it

But paintings aren’t the real thing either

C’est ne pas une pipe

It’s not a pipe

Words are beautiful like art

They are real, but they are not real

These emotions

They’re so real, and I wonder where they came from

Who passed this to me?

Why?

Existence is a relay of passing from one generation to the next

I wish I could go back in time to the first blessed ancestor who felt “cute”

Ask why it’s with me today

I’m sure they wouldn’t know

But their story would be amazing