Elucidating Questions

My relationship with the sun is so push and pull

So come closer come closer

Get away get away

But I mean come closer

Is this gravity?

The gravity between me and the sun

How I want him to stay just as soon as he pulls away

Excuse me

As soon as Mother tilts away from him

See she keeps him away from me

And I can’t hear the soothing sound of the plants finally tasting rain

I just miss every second that bleeds out of daylight until he’s so far away and I want him near again

But when he comes back he comes too near and I hide away and keep under cover how queer

Why can’t we just sit at a balance?

Together suspended in perfection

The gravity between me and the sun

How I want to get up close and run farther away at the same time

Still singing cross my heart

While he’s over there

Sing and a singing

While I’m still stuck in love that shows in the dark

And the fleeting moments I allow myself to feel

Just stay safe you wonderful magnificent man

Or however those words should go

I wonder what you’re doing

Doesn’t really matter she’s where he is isn’t that where he wanted to be

I can’t believe how invisible I am at times I just hurt and remember how far I’ve come with nothing to show

I wish you’d just say hello

Something anything say anything

Say Anything

I don’t know where to go from these feelings

They leave me endlessly lost

Spirit raging on in spite of the emptiness

One day, I made the choice to stop expecting happiness from this place

And I’ve been much happier since

Perhaps it was a requirement to continue living

I had to stop expecting happiness

That’s not to say I don’t find happiness I just have to look for it

Some “wise” internet person proposed

I do not chase, I attract

And I laughed

You’re not a black hole

You don’t attract anything. It just so happens things happen.

Do you see this place?

It’s pure madness here

Sometimes I look at the state of the planet and wonder what a curse this thing that makes us different than other animals is

Happiness is a fleeting moment of pure gratification

You don’t just get moments

You have to make them happen

Use whatever you have at your disposal

I like stars so I look up at stars and voila happy

But the stars aren’t going to come down to Earth to be seen

And they sure as hell aren’t coming in my house

I have to go look up at them

So go make happiness

Just make it

Pretend your brain isn’t chemically incapable of making and uptaking its own happy drug

And be happy

Yup just in spite of it

Be happy

You’re alone and no one loves you?

Hey at least you managed to be a human, apparently that’s pretty difficult, look at how few other human like things there are.

There are tonnes of fish

Spiders

Canids

Things with hooves

Okay there are other “apes” but, no, I mean human like

Not one

Apparently it’s not easy

And you managed

So like, stop

Stop listening to that voice in your head

Take your medications because you still need that shit even with a good attitude

Just look around this place

It’s magnificent

There’s so much to do here no one has done everything because the possibilities are endless

So like that’s cool

And daunting

But cool

And I know you’re lonely and you wish there was someone else

But no one needs you more than you do

Just…

Look I’m not suggesting you love yourself because that shit is difficult and even I can’t figure that out

But like tolerate yourself

Because you’re not as bad as Donald Trump!

Or the long list of leaders before him who also did nothing to help this planet

Just

I don’t know

Love this place

I’m talking about the universe and the planet

Just love them, they deserve it, they’re beautiful

I don’t remember the words

Word for word

But I conduct the instruments with my soul

Know where every pull goes

God it’s so magnificent

I wish everyone would just listen

I know these songs just not the words

Know every bassline

Yet I don’t know him

Step line up meet the bridge find the line tow the tempo seek the melody

But I don’t know him

It’s a sad wake up every morning

I tell you a tale where I’m loved and

Well now I’m disabled asleep or awake but at least one of them listens

I could croon all day my love for him

Blow him a kiss

It doesn’t get any sweeter

This enternity without you

I’m still waiting but who are we kidding anymore

Waiting for who? What exactly?

Perhaps I am one

Only loved by the gods

And we’ve already come to our conclusions about their existence or lack there of

I am so intensely jealous

The one thing I wanted

The thing I worked so hard for

And it just comes to you like it’s already yours

And I have never heard a whisper

How many more times do I have to wish I could just…

Be not invisible

Just for a second

If he could see me

But he doesn’t see me, he never sees me, but he sees you and that’s how the universe works

I’m here and invisible

And you’re there and I’m here invisible

Dear universe

Why is there always a moth in my house?

Well seldom in the true winter

But any time after April and before November

There is a moth

Do they want to die around me?

Do they like me for some reason?

Why? And how?

How did the moth get through the series of three closed doors it takes to get in here?

Determined to die?

Why?

Dear moth I wish you were outside.

Living.