Elucidating Questions

I have such profound feelings about those whose bodies are betraying them

Alzheimer’s, fibromyalgia, cancer, etc

Bodies doing something they’re not supposed to and taking their unwilling occupants on a wild ride they did not sign up for

The moments that bodies betray you are some of the most upsetting

The feeling of your hands just…letting go

Falling asleep midstep

Cells growing into grotesque blobs

The moment you go for a memory

But it’s not there

This feeling of absolute betrayal

From deep within

Wondering if within is even in your body because clearly you and it are not related

Feeling so alienated from your own skin

When it’s raking pain across your stomach but there’s nothing there

When you just got stabbed with a knife that’s just not there

The body making its own choices which are clearly entirely different than yours

When you’re not safe even in yourself

Because the enemy is your own flesh

When I think about dating

I don’t know what to do

I’m terrified that this will all just happen again

If I was allowed to construct the perfect man

Or person

He wouldn’t hit me, or push me, or smother me with a pillow

He’d be kind and accepting and understanding

Wouldn’t see me as my disease

Wouldn’t make fun of my disease

He would love me

I don’t think anyone has loved me like how I want him to love me

Talk to me

Understand me

God, I just want someone to understand me

Maybe we’d sing together

I wish I had someone to sing with

Maybe singing together would outshine me and Josh Ramsay singing together

Maybe it would be better than meeting him

Maybe we’d go camping in an RV that made everywhere feel like not really camping

Because I can’t sleep on the ground anymore

And he’d understand that

We could eat too much Chinese food

Or curry

He wouldn’t see my weight or my disease

He’d see me

Maybe he’d cook for me

Maybe he’d figure out ways I could cook without ending up exhausted

Maybe he’d take care of me

Like I’d take care of him

Did I mention he’d be kind?

Because he would be

Maybe I’d finally meet someone else who spots worms after the rain and puts them back in the dirt

Wouldn’t treat me like a sex toy

Wouldn’t say he’d be home in half an hour and then disappear for three

He wouldn’t drink excessively

Maybe

I wish I was allowed to make the perfect person

The day my ex got arrested

My mum came to get me

And when she got here

I fell into her arms

And cried

I hadn’t had many moments in my life where I felt I could be raw and honest with her

But at that moment I did

So now I wonder

How many of those moments will I have?

Will she be here?

Our time is finite

I miss her already and she’s still here

Just not with me

What will I do without her?

I need her so much

My mum

I love her

Sometimes I do things and I think

How human

But then that feeling sinks in again

That feeling of me on the outside looking in

And I wonder what I am in those moments

Because other people don’t chuckle about how human they are

It feels so lonely as an observer

Standing just on the outside wondering what it takes to get in

If I had it, when I lost it, I don’t know I just think

I’m so different than them

There are several trillion universes existing right now

If there are aliens, several… Many numbers we probably don’t have a word for.

Each life is a different perspective of the universe

Some lives go by without even knowing the universe exists

Or the stars

Or the sun

But they all, in some way, know that they are on the planet

Or perhaps in it

They may not know where they are but they know at least

We aren’t talking about those that do not know, only the lives that do

The ones that know they are here

Here is always Earth

So many different existences

One cannot even fathom

So many views of one universe

At the end of the day,

No matter how shitty life gets

I’m glad we just so happened to be here to see this

As brief as it is

It’s so beautiful out there

People

Customers

Always try to tell me how terrible their life is

And…well I know?

We exist in a society where profit and not the stability and welfare of the people comes first

They’re all telling me the same story like that should make them exceptional and I don’t know what to say to them

They want something from me for their story

But I’m not allowed to tell mine.