Elucidating Questions

I only write for you

It’s true

I poured my heart out

All over the pages

But I’ll never know you

I do wish I could know you

I pushed the feelings so far down

That some days don’t bear your aftertaste

But no matter what I do I run right smack dab back to you

My meaningless life has meaning with you in it

Even if it’s just to be your silent tragic non-lover

Quietly bearing witness to your charming life

And weeping my thoughts into the web

Maybe I’m some chalked up metaphor

The universe shaped for a laugh

Some story of the unworthy

Seeking after the worthy

But this all would never be here

And no one will ever read it

But perhaps some day a lonely robot will find these words

And think it knows love

But now I am the lonely robot

Thinking as long as I don’t feel

I don’t have to love

When I look out at the crowd I try to think that I’m allowed

But I’m outside

When I try to say the words it’s never what they think they heard

I’m on the outside

I try to make my words make sense but I still have no friends

Stuck on the outside

I wonder how it feels

To feel like something real

I wonder how it feels to feel a part of it all

No matter how many times I try to change my insides

They still show me as something sight unseen

I wish I knew someone who understood me

So I could understand them

Be somebody who somebody else can see

I am so tired of feeling

Exhausted over feeling

Like the only person who sees me is me

Have you ever fucked up

And you know you fucked up

And you apologised

But sorry doesn’t always cut it

So you just sit in this fucked up funk

Like, man… I fucked up

And you just sit there

Fucked up

It’s been ten years since Ever After

And they’re living happily

And I suppose I should say something, to commemorate a love that never happened

To the single least disappointing man in the universe

To the most interesting man in the universe

To the most beautiful voice on the planet

I’m sorry I can’t say universe I refuse to make possibly wrong statements,

To the one that never ceases to make me fall in love, fall into sadness, fall into nostalgia

To the only voice I want to hear

To the only face I want to see

To your beautiful blue shining light of a soul

I’m so glad you’re here with me on this little shining jewel in space

I would have no one to love without you

I would have nothing to write without you

I wouldn’t have an interesting story about the time I lost my mind and the only thing that made sense was you

We don’t tell that story

It’s a secret on the web

But you are so real

No matter how far away

I am always by your side

I love you more than life itself

My raison d’être

The reason my heart keeps beating

I love you

I love you so much

Congratulations

I had a dream last night where my bunny died

I experienced the loss of him in my dream and then woke up

And forgot

But my mind decided to remind me, mid conversation

Oh my god

I said outloud because the thought hit me so hard

I spent the rest of my evening feeling dread

Trying to remind myself that prophetic dreams about those who are about to die

Don’t tell you they’re dying

My dream of my Nana a day or so before she died where we were walking through the hallways of my middle school, and she suddenly turned and went through a tiny door that appeared in the wall

My dreams about my dog the got more insistent the sicker he got

Maybe tell myself I don’t get prophetic dreams anymore

Just dreams about constantly trying to pack things with no boxes or a full bag

Just dreams about my crack head ex and I being crack heads

Just dreams about trying to get to…summon… find the god/spirit/human incarnation of death who is also a sexy man that I get to kiss

So trying to tell myself that this was just a dream, just a dream

My mind plays cruel tricks on me light or dark, night or day.

I have such profound feelings about those whose bodies are betraying them

Alzheimer’s, fibromyalgia, cancer, etc

Bodies doing something they’re not supposed to and taking their unwilling occupants on a wild ride they did not sign up for

The moments that bodies betray you are some of the most upsetting

The feeling of your hands just…letting go

Falling asleep midstep

Cells growing into grotesque blobs

The moment you go for a memory

But it’s not there

This feeling of absolute betrayal

From deep within

Wondering if within is even in your body because clearly you and it are not related

Feeling so alienated from your own skin

When it’s raking pain across your stomach but there’s nothing there

When you just got stabbed with a knife that’s just not there

The body making its own choices which are clearly entirely different than yours

When you’re not safe even in yourself

Because the enemy is your own flesh