Elucidating Questions

She friended and then unfriended me

My once upon a mother

Not my biological mother, but the mother I had when my biological mother was caught up in her own sickness

You see she’s long gone

Left when the Queen of Hearts started weaving webs of sayings and this and that

Left with all of them

Pointing fingers at my back

Hates me doesn’t hate me

Spins that lie that she “doesn’t hate anyone”

Whatever she said she did what she did and I spent hours wondering

Why?

What do you want from me?

But when I asked her myself she said nothing

She wanted nothing

Sometimes I look at that relationship and feel like I failed

Which I did… In their eyes anyways

I wouldn’t have judged someone the same way they did

No

It just proves how different and unrelated we are

I guess

If she was reading this I’d want her to know that she did a good job of loving me up until the moment she didn’t.

And that kicking a depressed person out for being depressed is a sick and disgusting thing to do to someone

But I don’t want her to come back

Because then I’d have to pretend like I did something terrible when I didn’t.

I did something bad. I did not do something terrible.

I don’t want her to come back

I’m finally free

I want to go home

My soul whimpers softly

And I ask it for the thousandth time

Where is home?

Because no matter where I am, who I am with, what I am doing

That little whimper catches me and I don’t know where to go

Where is home?

Why does my soul cry so softly

Like a child who wishes nothing more

Than to go home

If I knew where that place was I would go there

But no

No I don’t know where it is

I wish I could go there

I wish I could go home

People don’t understand me

When I say I love you

They say I love you too

And then go

And they don’t know how I hurt when they go

So many temporary people just passing by

I miss them

But do they think of me?

I think not

I’m always the one to reach out

No one reaches to me they’re just gone and I don’t know where they went

Thanks object permanence.

It’s never the lost relationships I mourn

Only the ones that seemed fine but never turned into anything

Why do I love so easily?

Why does it slip through my fingers?

There once was a boy

Who I very much loved

He was so sweet and gentle

And beautiful

I think of him now in the beginning of sunset

He was so gentle with me

I loved him so

And he knew that

But he did not love me

And we both knew that

But he was so gentle

A bit of a flake

But he bought me flowers for my birthday

Just because

See in the waning sunlight I see how he sparkles even now

In my memory any way

I hope he still sparkles

Where ever he is

That’s how you should treat another human

He did so good

So I asked

Because I was curious

Because I wanted to know if anyone else could see the change in seasons

And I was right

No one noticed

Except my mum,

Which isn’t a surprise because she’s part Gaia. Very in tune.

I could make a mention

Every year of when the leafs change

Just to show them I’m not crazy

Why don’t they notice things like I do?

Don’t they feel it?

Fall just got here

Why don’t they feel it?

Why doesn’t anyone feel things like I do?

Someone out there

Is there anyone out there

Like me?

Listen for an answer

Hear mocking in the words spoken through else’s mouth

I just wish I could find

The missing part of me