Elucidating Questions

Will I ever love anyone like I love you?

Will I ever love anyone who loves me?

In my mind all the time

Mere words away from bubbling to the surface

I’ve tried so hard to forget but I still feel the same

Tried to tell myself he’s happy now

Writing sappy fulfilled love songs about their happiness together

This might be where the music leaves me

Where I’m not welcome anymore

Will I ever write 2000 poems for someone else?

I wonder if I’ll ever be loved

Not like how friends and family love me

Like be loved

By someone in love

I try so hard not to count the days of my life that have gone by

And I still have come so far without having experienced what it feels like to be loved

By all accounts I am probably past or near my midlife.

Still no one has loved me

Don’t worry I’m not oblivious

I am a fat ugly crazy person

Maybe love just isn’t for me

Love is something other people get to experience

I wish it was though

I wish love was for me

Maybe they’d love more fiercely than I do

A daydream

I wish love was for me

I just wish I had someone to talk to

Like what I imagine having a best friend would feel like

I don’t even want to talk about the waves crashing over me or the undertow threatening to pull me from my feet just

How was you day

Let me hear your complaints and your joys wrapped into your experience of the day

But there’s no one here

No one who can speak anyways

I feel so locked away and suppressed

I just want someone to speak something to

But people always go their ways

And no one really thinks of me that way

So I’m stuck battling the waves alone

Whirlpools forming around my ankles

Just trying to keep my feet on foot

And once again I face it alone

It’s settling so sinkeningly sweet

This madness that doesn’t make a peep

It taunts me so subtle and so sly

With words that make me scream and cry

I can’t control it

It’s just a feeling setting in

It’s like the dawning

Of the darkness fading in

I do not want it here I wish it away

If I could only find the words to say

To make it empty

Something to fight the endless

Feeling like I’m going to die

Without a single thing

To make the thoughts come ring

They come screaming in my head don’t scream

I want to go back to the days

When I wasn’t locked away

Back to feeling like I’m something brand new

But now my mind plays tricks on me

Says things I rather wouldn’t see

I wish I had someone to talk to instead

When I see others feeling othered I want to reassure them that they are fine how they are

But I don’t think I would listen if someone said it to me

Trying to feel fine as I am is such a difficult process

I feel so different

I’ve never seen anything like me

But if they are fine how they are

Then considering I am the only one not suitable

Would make me exceptional

And I’m not exceptional

I am not special

I feel like the only one of me

Nothing quite gets through

But I know without a doubt the only you is you

And you are beautiful

It’s okay I’m completely sane

Sane like all the other people and I’m trying not to take the ball that doesn’t belong to me

And it’s simply terrifying because my mind goes

Just goes

Oh my god I was worried about some time loop

Stop

Breathe

There’s a madness in me unlike anything

That spends all it’s time trying to figure out

It

The answer

To the question

And at first I thought the question was Who do you love?

And then I thought the question was What is love

But the closer I get to this question

Because I need to know the question to know the answer

My mind goes

And I wrote to answer the question

And the closer I get to the universe the closer I get to some of either the best sex ever or the worst pain imaginable

Or both at the same time

I can’t read my own work, it drives me insane, so slow down a bit probably.