Elucidating Questions

It’s been ten years since Ever After

And they’re living happily

And I suppose I should say something, to commemorate a love that never happened

To the single least disappointing man in the universe

To the most interesting man in the universe

To the most beautiful voice on the planet

I’m sorry I can’t say universe I refuse to make possibly wrong statements,

To the one that never ceases to make me fall in love, fall into sadness, fall into nostalgia

To the only voice I want to hear

To the only face I want to see

To your beautiful blue shining light of a soul

I’m so glad you’re here with me on this little shining jewel in space

I would have no one to love without you

I would have nothing to write without you

I wouldn’t have an interesting story about the time I lost my mind and the only thing that made sense was you

We don’t tell that story

It’s a secret on the web

But you are so real

No matter how far away

I am always by your side

I love you more than life itself

My raison d’être

The reason my heart keeps beating

I love you

I love you so much

Congratulations

I had a dream last night where my bunny died

I experienced the loss of him in my dream and then woke up

And forgot

But my mind decided to remind me, mid conversation

Oh my god

I said outloud because the thought hit me so hard

I spent the rest of my evening feeling dread

Trying to remind myself that prophetic dreams about those who are about to die

Don’t tell you they’re dying

My dream of my Nana a day or so before she died where we were walking through the hallways of my middle school, and she suddenly turned and went through a tiny door that appeared in the wall

My dreams about my dog the got more insistent the sicker he got

Maybe tell myself I don’t get prophetic dreams anymore

Just dreams about constantly trying to pack things with no boxes or a full bag

Just dreams about my crack head ex and I being crack heads

Just dreams about trying to get to…summon… find the god/spirit/human incarnation of death who is also a sexy man that I get to kiss

So trying to tell myself that this was just a dream, just a dream

My mind plays cruel tricks on me light or dark, night or day.

I have such profound feelings about those whose bodies are betraying them

Alzheimer’s, fibromyalgia, cancer, etc

Bodies doing something they’re not supposed to and taking their unwilling occupants on a wild ride they did not sign up for

The moments that bodies betray you are some of the most upsetting

The feeling of your hands just…letting go

Falling asleep midstep

Cells growing into grotesque blobs

The moment you go for a memory

But it’s not there

This feeling of absolute betrayal

From deep within

Wondering if within is even in your body because clearly you and it are not related

Feeling so alienated from your own skin

When it’s raking pain across your stomach but there’s nothing there

When you just got stabbed with a knife that’s just not there

The body making its own choices which are clearly entirely different than yours

When you’re not safe even in yourself

Because the enemy is your own flesh

When I think about dating

I don’t know what to do

I’m terrified that this will all just happen again

If I was allowed to construct the perfect man

Or person

He wouldn’t hit me, or push me, or smother me with a pillow

He’d be kind and accepting and understanding

Wouldn’t see me as my disease

Wouldn’t make fun of my disease

He would love me

I don’t think anyone has loved me like how I want him to love me

Talk to me

Understand me

God, I just want someone to understand me

Maybe we’d sing together

I wish I had someone to sing with

Maybe singing together would outshine me and Josh Ramsay singing together

Maybe it would be better than meeting him

Maybe we’d go camping in an RV that made everywhere feel like not really camping

Because I can’t sleep on the ground anymore

And he’d understand that

We could eat too much Chinese food

Or curry

He wouldn’t see my weight or my disease

He’d see me

Maybe he’d cook for me

Maybe he’d figure out ways I could cook without ending up exhausted

Maybe he’d take care of me

Like I’d take care of him

Did I mention he’d be kind?

Because he would be

Maybe I’d finally meet someone else who spots worms after the rain and puts them back in the dirt

Wouldn’t treat me like a sex toy

Wouldn’t say he’d be home in half an hour and then disappear for three

He wouldn’t drink excessively

Maybe

I wish I was allowed to make the perfect person

The day my ex got arrested

My mum came to get me

And when she got here

I fell into her arms

And cried

I hadn’t had many moments in my life where I felt I could be raw and honest with her

But at that moment I did

So now I wonder

How many of those moments will I have?

Will she be here?

Our time is finite

I miss her already and she’s still here

Just not with me

What will I do without her?

I need her so much

My mum

I love her

Sometimes I do things and I think

How human

But then that feeling sinks in again

That feeling of me on the outside looking in

And I wonder what I am in those moments

Because other people don’t chuckle about how human they are

It feels so lonely as an observer

Standing just on the outside wondering what it takes to get in

If I had it, when I lost it, I don’t know I just think

I’m so different than them