Elucidating Questions

I wonder how long it would take an average reader to get through my entire blog

Dear reader your life of possibilities that is infinitely different than mine yet intricately the same fascinates me

Very few people will read this poem, this poem may only be read by you and a couple other people

Consider this a message to you from whichever source you choose

God, energies, that nice crow you met the other day

Actually I was the one that met a nice crow

But just… Consider your life and all of your struggles and think

Damn I’m tough

I’m probably tougher than you, but, like, most of our lives aren’t easy and I highly doubt you’re one of the 1% of people who only have made up problems in their lives

Even if you get the feeling like you want to quit sometimes

More people than fathomable have had that feeling

Just acknowledge your difficulties and shake their hand and flip them off and psyche yourself up a bit

Did you get out of bed this morning?

I’ve had days where I couldn’t, I’m sure you have too

It’s not as easy as it seems, you did something, be proud of that

Also thank you for reading

There aren’t many of you, but you’re all over the world and you fascinate me.

Someone said something to me today

Something along the lines of

God only burdens his toughest soldiers

Or something

Which made me think

God is a bully

Which made me think

Well I must be really fucking tough

But doesn’t that seem cruel?

I’m gonna fuck with you

Your body, your mind, your spirit, your life

Because you’re tough

I suppose then he isn’t that tough

White rich boy sitting in his privilege palace with his hounds and his lady

But that’s quantifying difficulty and

Can you really quantify difficulty?

Okay, granted, a lot of people in my position would kill themselves… Possibly others?

I definitely tried

That is to kill myself, not others

I’m about as volitile as a bowl of water

In a cup

On a shelf

Yes there is a bowl in the cup on the shelf follow along here people

Just saying that people have quit far less difficult lives than mine

I wonder whether we all live the same life of difficulty but through our own lenses

Eyes on Donald Trump and Kim Jong Il

Nevermind

So do I sit here sitting on this hill of chronic illness and mental illness and ugliness(because it’s so bad it might as well be a disability)

Point down at all of them and go

My life’s harder

Do I shut up and just take it?

If there was a god

Whomever

Jimmy probably

Do I just take it?

Because I kinda wanna speak to your manager?

About this bullying?

Sigh

I’ve been so unwell I can’t take care of myself

But I’ll get through it

If life is some kind of twisted fucking stress test

Do I take pride in how much stronger I am than everyone else?

Here’s some things you probably haven’t experienced

Being unable to walk from one room to the next

An entire psychotic break that lasted a year that you then recovered from almost completely except the lingering reoccuring psychotic thought that the universe (as in not people but the actual universe) is coming for you

Being smothered by someone who was supposed to love you

Your father telling you that everyone you love is actually using you and will someday leave

Your supposed best friend telling you you’re “too depressed” and need to move out

Someone who claimed they were your mother (or at least motherlike towards you) choosing biology over you

But these are my things

Every one has things

Am I rambling?

I could write an entire handful of poems about how much I hate this fucking WordPress app for writing

One line, stop and wait, one line, stop and wait

Buggy as shit

If god is putting me through this because I can handle it because

Fuck you god this is annoying

I just wish I had a reason for all of my suffering

I don’t want to look at other peoples’ lives and feel jealous

I wish I didn’t need to be in pain

I’m so desperate to feel well

No, not even your able bodied version of well

My sideways slightly skewed version of well

I’m so tired of feeling sick

Feeling unable

Being unable

To navigate this world with a little relief

I just need some relief

Need some days to get better

I feel so broken

Incapable

Like I’m nothing but pain and suffering and barely managing to get through the day

I just need to get off of this wheel I’m stuck on

Please just let me recover

Someone help me

Please

Sometimes I feel like my voice was wasted on me

My singing voice

I hit notes like they’re a bullseye

Bang bang bang I know your song better than you do

I have the range of a professional singer and if I was a professional singer I’d have a range unheard of in our era of speak singers

If you don’t mind me bragging for a moment

Quite literally the only thing I have completed confidence in

But it feels like it was wasted on me

I lost my chance to take it to the top

Now I just sing for fun

But I want to sing in front of a crowd

Want to hear the applause and feel the energy of a room that’s loving it

Sometimes I’m so jealous of him

Him him

He gets to go out and play a rock show

And I get to sing for six tiny creatures who don’t really understand what singing is or what us humans do it

Just once I’d like to go out and play a rock show

Okay I don’t play instruments I wouldn’t play it but I’d sing the house down

I miss singing in front of people

I miss showing off my voice because somewhere deep down I always knew I was good

And now I’m finally able to say I’m good at it

And there’s no one to listen

It feels like such a waste

He’s just so close

Always right there

Just out of reach but he haunts my dreams

And my days are empty until he’s in them

I just want to hear his voice and see his face and

I really want to know what it would feel like to hold his face in my hands and just

Stare into his beautiful blue eyes

And there’s nothing in this world like the moment I saw him

Before it was all tainted in regret and pain

Hurtful seeing it all so happy

Hurtful being an invisible nothing for anyone to see

I wish I could find someone who makes me feel like the second his voice meets my ears

The way his scream tugs my heart in his general direction

There’s nothing for me here but I stay close by because without him my life has no music

No reason

No matter how far away you are I always feel you near

Or something similar in another language I just

Wish I could be something to him even if it was just someone who says things and isn’t heard like it is with every other human on this earth

I wish I could say some words to him

Some words that come out right and don’t slant slightly to the left of “proper thing to say to a person”

Some words like…

You are worth so much more than this world has to offer

See slightly left

Some words would be nice

I wish I had some words

Nobody but lady mine

Nobody

Haha I guess my last thread of hope has finally snapped

I knew it was coming, watched it coming, could see it coming

Contrary to the belief of others

My rational side isn’t surprised

Isn’t surprised

It still sounds like home but I don’t belong there

How do I reconcile these two sides believing entirely opposite things

There’s no chance

There is always a chance

Nothing could ever happen

Anything could happen

At least he stopped running away from the guitar

At least he still knows how to play

I hate her

I don’t hate her

I hate her for him

I think they’re meant to be

If only I got to live one tenth of the love story they got to live

It’s like my life of emptiness was a punishment for actions before they were taken

I’ve been living with the curse for trespassing into his life since the day I was born

The only men that want me want to harm me

The guy who molested me in church

My ex boyfriend

The only two men that ever showed interest in me

Showed interest when I was 8 years old (thus I could not consent and didn’t)

Showed interest and then tried to smother me with a pillow (thus… Well I don’t like that)

There he is living a love story of the ages

Not meant for me

Not meant for me

I wish someone could love me

Even just…

I’d take the dullest star in the sky if that was all I was allowed to see

I love him and it’s not fair

I just want someone else

Someone who isn’t singing Lady Mine