Elucidating Questions

I wish I could show you

How the universe doesn’t let me forget you

This time it was Benny and the Jets

Benny

And I’m not trying to think of you

Could go through my day without a reminder that you

You are

It’s like you’re always there

But I’ve become accustomed to it, so I live in blissful unawareness

To the white noise that is your existence

There but never there

And then the universe comes along and

Have you heard about our Lord and Saviour Joshua Ramsay?

Well yes but I was forgetting about him for a moment

It won’t let me forget

I mean I don’t want to forget either

I just wish I could show you

How the universe keeps on reminding me

That no matter how far apart we are we are so close together

I wish I could show you

Every year I wonder if I won’t acclimate to the cold weather

And then I’m wearing a knit cardigan and a t-shirt at -6

Despite having a disease that flares up at extreme temperatures

And not being able to tolerate the heat

At all

The cold never bothered me anyway

My one strength

My only claim to something kind of cool

I’m not cold

But you are

All you other people

With your mitts and your scarves and your hats and your thick coats

I laugh in your general directions because in this I win for once

Not beauty, not physique, not able-ness, not strength but

I don’t need a winter coat

I scared the hell out of Japanese people when it was -15 and I was wearing a t-shirt and a hoodie

My one super power

All I need is a tall mountain and an ice castle and I’ll sing Let it Go all night long

I suppose it’s better than nothing

Merry Christmas to you too, you beautiful, impossible, wonderful man

I hope that light in your eyes stays there for years to come

I hope I get to hear your voice again and again this coming year

May you stay happy and safe in your fortress

May you have many more years with all your animals

If I could have one wish

It’s that you’d see me saying merry Christmas and know that I want nothing but happiness and joy for you

You’re spectacular

You’re beautiful

You’re ethereal

You’re wonderful

And I love you

Merry Christmas

I can hear bagpipes playing

Quietly

My body is in over stimulation mode

And so my ears are picking up the sounds of bagpipes in the white noise of the heater in the vents

There are no bagpipes

My senses worked too hard for too long

Now my ears are making up sounds within sounds

When I say I’m tired and need a rest

It’s because my body does this to me

Sorry I can’t sleep

The bagpipes are too loud

Every second was worth it to see your face and hear your voice for a short clip that made no sense but

There you were and it was enough

I wish I could tell you merry Christmas and you’d see it and it would mean something

I was glad to see you but now I wish I could see you

Sigh

If only I could be content with content

I wouldn’t feel these moments where I yearn to be… Just near you

If it was appropriate I’d live in a closet you never use so I could be near you and hear you without being seen or heard myself

But that’s “creepy” and “not appropriate”.

I suppose I’m just one of thousands that would pay to be near you

If I could afford it

I suppose at least I got to see five seconds of you today

I hope I get to see five seconds of you tomorrow

Merry Christmas you impossible man

Merry Christmas

I don’t suppose there’s an actual reason for suffering

There’s probably no meaning or reason

But people do suffer it’s a part of being people

I wonder if animals suffer

I suppose the answer is obvious

Life seems to suffer

It seems unfair that it’s simply a truth of living

I wonder if planets and stars suffer

Is being sucked into a black hole painful?

I suppose it would have to feel to… Well feel.

Do plants suffer?

Does an insect?

Maybe it’s not life

Aware life

Though you’d have to prove to me that plants are not aware

In some strange unthinkable way of being aware

I don’t like the apparent laws of the universe

They seem firmly skewed in favour of black holes

Maybe black holes are God’s favourite thing and we’re just here with them

I wish we could live in a world that tried to minimise the suffering of everything that suffers

Does that hurt? Okay it will never happen again I’m sorry.

Wouldn’t that be nice