Elucidating Questions

I’m constantly struggling with this

This me who eats when they’re hungry

Versus the me who got by on a bowl of cereal, a small chicken pot pie, and sometimes some munchies to fill the ache of hunger that was always there, for years

In my moment of mostly peace, I am faced with the me who had nothing but

I moved back into town so buses are much more accessible to me now

Just got a job I may actually be able to do versus the job that had me becoming sicker and sicker with no end in sight until they changed the job so I couldn’t work it

Versus the last over a year of unemployment where people saw my walker, or heard disability, and shut down or shut me out

Facets on the rock of my life

I don’t forget them

The struggles

I don’t forget that every time I go downtown there are dozens of people I can see who need help

Homes

Actual support

That just one big change in my life will send me there

You don’t forget that homelessness always looms over those who, without outside support, cannot afford to survive in this city

I live in a world where, when things look up, I am filled with trepidation

Because up means down is possible

The higher up, the sharper the fall

Now that I’ve seen what it’s like to have a conversation with someone every day would I survive going back to that isolation?

The fact that I prefer my Dad trying to convert me to Christianity over hours of endless silence

I didn’t notice how much I talk to myself now until I started working with people around me

May you never know a silence so deep it turns you to utter just to keep it at bay

Now it’s a habit that makes me look crazy

Which I am

But 7 years of isolation can do that to a person

Minus maybe the 1 year I was being emotionally and then physically abused by a man

But really that’s just a different kind of isolation

I don’t want this for anyone

But there’s an anger in me

That I had to go through it at all

People deny how hard it is, how crushing it is, how dehumanising it is

And my anger wants them to feel it too

Learn damn it

But I know it won’t fix anything

Only fixing it will fix anything

How to reconcile this anger when people think my suffering was “normal” and acceptable?

If only I could soothe the pain of the harrowing

If only people saw the harrowing as the unacceptable struggle it is

When people tell me to try harder it triggers a cascade

I remember how hard I tried to keep it together living alone

How health slowly slipped away from me along with things like maintaining the house, my social life, my mobility

How I was rewarded for years of trying so hard with illness, debt I can’t repay, isolation, and the people around me thinking I’m lazy and do nothing

Despite years of existence prior where I worked myself into societal death

And it all means nothing

I can’t get a job with my 17 years of customer service experience

17 years, most of which was spent working through days that left me unconscious, suffering emotionally, and in enormous amounts of pain

But it means nothing and I have achieved nothing

And I feel so disgusted with myself that other people’s success tastes bitter to me

That anyone else’s success is immediately compared to my own failure

I feel so lost that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to succeed

I feel so lost that I didn’t complete university and go off to become an English teacher living anywhere but here

I feel so lost that my Japanese goes unused and untested and unpractised

I feel lost that I remember crying my heart out upon the realisation that my someone to love may be years away and years later I don’t believe that someone exists

I feel so lost

I feel so heartbroken that my life is a physical representation of having tried so hard and got so far and in the end it doesn’t even matter

And what I build now?

This plushie horde?

This is my carrot

This is how I drag my ass with no prospects and no future through life

I can’t conceivably build anything else

Not a career

Not a love

Not a home

All these things I was told would define me as an adult

I feel so empty

I feel like I’m killing time until Time kills me

I want more

But I don’t feel worthy of more

My family is full of mean people

My family is also full of people who see me as as much of a failure as I see myself as

It feels pointless

And I don’t have a therapist anymore this is just me, by myself, with this overwhelming feeling of failure and insignificance and grief

I feel so heavy

I feel like every day is gone, meaningless

What is the point of improving myself in a world that only rewards evil people anyways?

When I don’t serve a purpose for anyone

I’m still applying for jobs

I have an interview on Monday for a job I probably shouldn’t do, but I don’t expect to get it

They’ll see the walker and balk like everyone else

How does one find hope when there is none?

The hospital isn’t going to find hope in me because it’s gone

Every time someone tells me to succeed better

I’m reminded how hard I tried to succeed and how little it mattered.

It feels like I’m being asked to suffer for no reason

I’ve watched everyone around me succeed in some way

Seen the reward of success

I try so hard just to stay awake most days

To continue my limited interaction with the world

No matter what drugs I take I’m still in pain

What does success feel like?

What is my potential?

I am haunted by these things

I walked out of a fire, burned

Even so I’m still trying to go back into the fire

It stays firmly out of reach like a mirage of a memory

I don’t know how to overcome this

I feel so trapped

Gods guide me

I have so many complicated feelings

About pushing myself

History is so full of people claiming they were defending themselves against people they were invading

I’d start with Rome, but it’s just there

All throughout history, humans insisting themselves upon others

Of course this insistence was upon the land and the creatures there too

And whenever I wonder what humans have truly created in this world I think music

The only form of humanity that doesn’t take from someone else to enrich itself

But music has become propaganda

So everything eventually spoils

I wish humanity was more beautiful than this

I wish I lived in a place that didn’t poison me

I’m a perfectly decent person until you cross me and then I could say literally anything

Apparently it being okay for my brother to tell me to kill myself opened something dark in me

Once you feed it does it ever truly go away?

And this world doesn’t make it easy to feed the light in me

It feels like if I don’t force positivity it can’t exist

Input negative

Output negative

I started out such a sweet kid

And now I have to force myself to produce positive thoughts

Because this world is so wrong and evil tramples its surface

So much toxicity has entered me from these people

More insistence

I do not believe we are born like this

I do not believe we are born to hate and destroy

The me who spits back feels so foreign when I realise what I spat

How does one teach themselves to lead with compassion when everything coming in is negative?

I wish he’d cease his scratching

I feel so oppressed by everything

Oppressed by my income, oppressed by other people

Oppressed by society’s demands

Capitalism

And when I explode from the pressure I don’t see myself

I want to see myself in every action

If this darkness inside me is so great

How am I to defeat it with no fuel for feeding the light?

I am so poisoned

My Dad is so negative

My brother is so negative

The world is so negative

There’s little nature here to pull it from, the positivity

Gods please tell me how I’m supposed to produce something I don’t receive?

I feel so out of place

Like I don’t belong here

There’s nothing to tether me here

If I knew it wouldn’t kill all of them and or start white people tourism I would go live in an uncontacted tribe of people

There is nothing that makes me want to stay here, besides the Earth herself

And she cannot sustain me

Because no one taught me how to sustain myself

They beat the wild out of all of us

With this society of theirs

Borders don’t exist

Race doesn’t exist

These are not things you can prove exist

Culture exists

Lineage certainly exists

Generational traumas of the dewilding of the general population so we are helpless but to continue fueling the fires of capitalism and greed until we choke on our own smoke

And when we start begging for air they sell it to us

New and Improved Air

Packaged straight to you for the low low cost of existing

Maybe “competing” air companies pop up

Sexualised ads of men sipping air surrounded by half naked women

“For the intake of it”

Or something saucy and poppy that I can’t come up with because I don’t specialise in the manipulation of people

While around them the fires get hotter

Demand more fuel

The ones making the money are sitting in their air purified mansions and they don’t care if they’ll destroy the world because at least they “got theirs”

People who believe only in exponential gain for themselves should be given the least of what the least greedy person wants

But exponential gain is all that people seem to believe in these days

So many things get too big and then pop

Bubbles, balloons, Stars, allegedly whatever started the Universe itself

And you don’t think maybe just maybe moderation is key?

I don’t know if planets pop if they get too big, but I’d bet they do

There’s always an upper limit

You could push it, but why?

Why when our planet as she is still has everything to sustain us for generations?

Giving a greedy man a currency

Humanity is If You Give a Mouse a Cookie in real time, long run, full codex completion with the added bonuses of racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, sexism, ageism, and hatred just in general

Contempt for eachother

Because if we cared about the people beyond our scope of existence we wouldn’t be letting this happen

We wouldn’t shrug as not only our freedoms, our livelihoods, our families, were affected if we cared about everyone else too because we’d see the bigger picture

And sometimes I feel outraged that my place on this planet is decided by accepted fascisms

It’s all fascism

Law and the enforcement of it are fascism, people just have historically mostly agreed on the laws set forth

Our contempt is shown in how we lock people away for perceived misdeeds without ever considering who those laws served and why

Like sending drug users to jail.

Who are you protecting from what?

So many things in our existence need to be closely looked at and re-evaluated because

Imagine humanity is the first “intelligent” civilization in the Universe (don’t laugh too hard about the intelligence bit)

And we invented a massive blue torture chamber for ourselves

Less some couple thousand people

Out of billions

Are you not embarrassed?

And if there are other civilizations out there watching us who have better technology than we do

Are you not ashamed?

They toiled and broke their bodies every day so they could kick their young out of the house and force them to do it again while the rich prevented support from being distributed to the elderly people who could no longer work because they’d broken themselves just so they could force their offspring to do the same thing

Nevermind what you do to disabled people

And I’m the insane one

Meanwhile less than 1% of the population is partying

If you want to tell me that society’s goal was the exponential gain of less than a city of people

While the rest of the world toils

Humanity has very strange priorities and I cannot in good conscience be a part of them

It’s Omelas in reverse

And I couldn’t stand Omelas as it was

To be evil

Nothing but a scourge on this Earth

To provide no use to anyone

To be truly useless

Just taking up space and spreading harm

I shouldn’t exist in these spaces but if I didn’t I wouldn’t speak to anyone

Four walls

My Dad

I guess I’d speak to one

And four walls

I shouldn’t be allowed to cause harm

I still sometimes think back to my confusion when I overdosed in the hospital

In the ambulance it started

I don’t know what I had been doing, I was shifting in and out of consciousness

I just remember the paramedic leaning over me and asking “why are you sorry? Why are you sorry?”

At the time, in my mind, I’d been apprehended for something

This thought evolved when I woke briefly while being rolled through the hospital on a stretcher

I thought I was the worst person on the planet

That “they” had finally found me and I was being taken away to be put into solitary confinement for the rest of my life

People think I have a victim complex

I don’t

I have a bad guy complex

The laws I’ve broken haven’t been even a sneeze in comparison to the things others on this planet have done but I feel like the worst person on Earth

I feel like I have no right to be here

Or sometimes like I do because existence is suffering and this is probably hell

Sometimes I feel conflicted telling people who are struggling that they deserve to be here

Because if it’s hell isn’t that cruel?

I feel like I can’t exist in any space

I’m never enough

I’m too much

I’m racist

Am I saying racist people deserve the death penalty if I believe that I don’t deserve to live because I’m racist?

I’ve been trying not to dwell on it because when I do I feel hopeless and evil

And you know? Other people may be able to handle harming everything in their lives but I can’t

So the only option is to avoid any group of people at all I guess

I piss off white people because I’m too progressive

And I piss off everyone else because I can’t fit in their perfect little boxes for how people should be

I’m flawed when I’m not allowed to be flawed but when I look around everyone else is flawed

And the fact that I can’t be a good person haunts me

I can’t be a good person so what’s the point?

I can’t be successful, have a family, have love, have friends, have my own home, a job, I can’t have medical care, I can’t have a good life

All that was left was to be a good person

But white people can’t be good people

Because racists aren’t good people

I feel trapped here

I can’t be anything here

I want to live on a planet where people don’t care if they’re different colours or if someone has a different culture or if someone has different religious beliefs because it doesn’t fucking matter and what matters is that we’re all happy, safe, and loved.

Culture is beautiful

All the shades people come in are beautiful

Religion is absolutely fucking disgusting but that’s because they were all so obsessed with what everyone else was worshipping instead of cultivating their own damn beliefs

It’s not enough

It’s never enough

Never good enough

It doesn’t matter if I openly embrace others

It will never change a racists mind and I will always be racist regardless

Why am I here?

To cause harm I don’t even mean to cause?

There’s no point

I don’t want to harm people by existing

I will never be at home on this planet

I’ve had a complicated relationship with Jupiter

Justice

I have believed that justice is broken, is fake, is wrong, dead

All along I felt like I was mistaken anyways

And I didn’t know why

But the things that happen within our so called systems of justice are not justice being carried out

Justice speaks for the good of the people as a whole

Not the few who can afford the best talker

We sit behind evidence and stories painted by people who never were in the room but claim to have an exact understanding of what happened at any given moment

We say innocent until proven guilty but we do not actively live that

Our society presumes guilt

Because it wants outrage

So you can rage at the wrong people for a bit

So many circumstances bring about criminals

We never come from the angle that this was a child once who had needs that weren’t met

Mental health problems that weren’t treated

Or the money didn’t stretch

Were they taught not to ask for help?

The worst criminals we treat them like their failing is personal when society bred and raised them

We make them own that failure, sometimes until death

Sometimes to death

No dedicated studies or work into how we can make these broken humans whole again just anger and throw them away and that’s it

We say in the same breath,

Not guilty due to insanity for murder

And a constant revolving door of jail for lesser offenders

Justice is not something that is put in place and left there

If that was the case we’d still be cutting off people’s hands for stealing

Justice is something you strive for

It’s something you fight for

You can’t expect others to carry out justice in your name when they’re beholden to the maiden of cash money

Justice is something you recognise changes as we as a society grow and learn to understand what makes people act how they do

Laws should be made for all of us not just those of us with a horde of numbers

So maybe I’m half right

Justice is dead here

It stagnated in a swamp of wealthy people

But justice is not like humans

It can be revived

It can be fought for at any time

People just need to stop expecting justice from a system designed to treat everyone as a criminal, wrapped within our society’s need for people to be criminals so we can hate them

Written by racists

Our repulsion towards understanding disabilities and mental health

And our disinterest in the plight of the poor

People whose only crime is homelessness become favourite targets of the police

Black people become targets because they’re automatically perceived as dangerous

Even by black cops

Traits of disabled people become proof of impairment

Police yank every person around like they’re an able bodied person who is built to fight

Anxiety is resisting

And people go to jail if they didn’t pay enough money to get the right talker

This sick unspoken societal law

They’re charismatic, so they’re right, right?

It makes me sick every day, knowing how dead Justice is in this place

Tiny victories here and there, but largely just dead

Rising briefly only to be swallowed whole by the sea of injustices being carried in his name that follow

Unheard of

But justice exists

Justice just isn’t what it was sold to us as

Justice is not power

Justice is recognising a problem and working out a solution that helps ensure the problem doesn’t happen again

Justice is seeing how our collective society played a role in the problem and reassessing how people are treated, how things are done, how we assess who needs what and meet those needs

When a crime is committed it’s not just the perpetrator who failed, and throwing them into a world where they have no name and no agency is not the solution

It’s not even a bandaid solution

It makes it worse

Yet we make no real effort to tackle the brunt of what makes crime occur

And let’s not act like rich people don’t commit crime

But obsession with money is treated as a lesser crime than theft

I don’t know where that leaves me exactly

I’d need an army to revive justice

You need a voice to do things

I didn’t see Jupiter in the sky last night

He’s still within my soul

I want him to live