Elucidating Questions

I can’t quite stand on my own two feet

Can’t quite get to independent adult

Something always goes wrong

And I make so many bad choices

It seems like I’m always wobbling a big on my feet and my legs give way

But what I want to say

Is that I’m grateful that I have parents whose hands are still waiting to catch me if I fall

I thought it was shameful but really

But really

It’s just true that we all fall down sometimes

I just wish I could reverse the polarity of the issue

I wish I could gain control and understand well enough to stop making stupid choices

I’m not rich enough to make stupid choices

Well I’m not rich

And I think I appreciate the help that I get but it never feels like it

I always feel like I haven’t expressed my gratitude enough

How could I possibly do it?

It’s such a complicated experience

But I appreciate that I haven’t completely fallen down

That there are hands to hold me up as I lose my footing

I just want to be able to offer the same help to others

I wonder what I want for 2022

All I want is to get on PWD and get my hours cut and finally feel well enough to take care of myself.

I just wish I could take care of myself

I hope his epic romance grows

Because he deserves one of those I wish

I wish I could feel like I did when I wasn’t working

But there’s no chance of that again they think it’s too expensive

They should just tax the ever loving fuck out of the rich.

No one needs more than enough to live off of

Figure out what that is and tax the rest

Maybe I’d like to stop living in poverty but even on PWD I’d still be … Well poor

So apparently that’s my lot in life

I don’t know what I want for 2022 but when I see it there I know it’ll be gone in a second

That lasts a lifetime

I wish time would stop and leave me to my rodents

Soon my little girls will be called seniors.

I wish time would stop

And I could spend forever between time with them

Honestly if that’s the love I get to experience it’s okay even if it’s another sad fact about my life in the eyes of some

See my life hasn’t gotten any better in these past few years it’s just gotten more stable and I have changed my point of view on it.

So maybe life could be better this year…

Pandemic notwithstanding

Who am I kidding

Maybe I’ll get lucky and they government will smarten up and lock us down for a few weeks and I’ll get to spend more time with my babies

Or something poetic

Well I don’t exactly poet like other poets

Or I poet a lot like poets who never get any one to read their writing

As if poetry would ever go viral

But I can imagine foolishly

What do I want from this year?

More time.

Frankly sir I don’t think you’ve given me enough time

Or however you’d like to be called

I hope he’s well and it continues

I hope my barely worth living life (I say that facetiously, I’m planning to continue living it regardless) continues to be, and that it may become less unbearable.

The multitudes of differences between us

I wish I could wish for a life half as worth living as his

My life is still worth living, it’s just quiet and “peaceful” and painful and exhausting.

I mean you know from my point of view he’s won so I’d like to win at some point.

I hope he keeps winning and I get to win once too

Sometimes it probably sounds like I’m jealous but in reality we’re just leading completely different lives and his is probably better by comparison and I’m fine with that I just like imagining

Imagining there was a chance of anything else for a second

In a life where we both win

I this wasn’t a story where I disappear and turn into foam

I wish this was a story where he found my writing and took a chance but that would require wishing his win away and wouldn’t

So I can only imagine a world where we never meet

I’ll just wish us mutually happy together apart from each other

It’s so difficult being in love with someone you’ll never meet

I wish I could love someone I did meet for a change

I wish that someone could love me

I’m still convinced I’m far crazier than you

Another year goes by again

And here you are with me but it’s pretend like every other time except that one time when we were in the same room

I wonder how the sound will change this era of the Trench of Mariana

Each one just another piece of the puzzle of why I am so damn stuck on you

I hope she makes you feel better than all your songs sound like

Cross my heart and hope to die

If at the very least my least will be a piece like a little piece of you

I’m content with that I suppose that’s just how it goes or so I’ve heard

I wonder whose voice I wish I heard

There has to be someone right?

Recover it’s not about longing it’s about you

It’s all about you it’s always about you

But what am I any ways?

Just another one of ones in a field of ones

Or zeroes

Or they’re zeroes and no I don’t want to be a zero but here I am

Hey it’s new year’s eve here’s to another year of everything in your life going right

Or, you know, that persona you have going along with every other celebrity of only showing the good happening in your life

Nothing, nothing, just thinking it’d be great if that persona snuck a little bit into real life and it actually all went well for you

Wary and weary I am

Ever as exhausted as a great beast with too much to think of

I just hope I get to have a bit of a good year too

But the claws dig in, so, who knows

It would be nice to find some inspiration in your new music

I sing it back every time with the words all wrong

My words are often all wrong

I hope she makes you feel like writing sappy love songs

I just hope you’re happy and everything is perfect

Because

Because that’s all I have left to do really

I couldn’t possibly wish bad upon you to wish myself into a better place

I hope your new year is happy

The snow is cold and beautiful like a planet covered in white

The lady of the winter has swept her hands over everything

Leaving the crisp whiteness in her wake

Oh sweet lady

How I wish you’d stay

How I wish you’d wave your hands and cover everything in a thick blanket and then leave it there for a few weeks

But in this corner the Lady’s visits are all so short lived

For a moment everything is white and silent and beautiful

And then it goes back to being regular every day beautiful

I wish she stayed for longer

Lady of the winter

Curse this body of flesh and bone and how it breaks

Why can’t bodies be perfectly capable of falling over and being fine?

Specifically my body

My body and its over extending joints and its sensitive to touch and pain skin

Curse both the flesh and the bone

Well they’re already cursed

Cursed and done with

Then uncurse my bloody body

Uncurse it and give me strength to fall over and get right back up again

Specifically uncurse my ankles and their cursed habit of simply bending in the wrong direction and dropping me

Who designed this body?

If there is a one god that made all things and also me

How many drugs were you on when you designed this thing?

Were you drunk?

Tired?

Just paying absolutely no attention?

Forbid it was on purpose

If so fuck you

So sick of being broken and breakable

Any words could come from your mouth in any order and I’d be hang off each one

If we were a movie I’d be the love lorn stranger writing love poems to another stranger

It probably wouldn’t make a good movie

I wish I got some chance to say something to you

Just some words to give back for all the words you’ve given to me

Two thousand poems ready and waiting not withstanding

If only I could get close enough to say words to you

If only getting close enough wouldn’t mean I was some weird stalker

I just want to say hi after all these words that poured out unknown

They can remain unknown

I just wish I could see you and hear you

And have it not be through a screen