Elucidating Questions

Today I had trouble putting up the banner in the window

And at one point I was struggling with the ladder and then the banner got stuck to the ladder and then suddenly both were falling

And out of no where came this woman

She asked if I was okay and I was so grateful

She righted the ladder and asked if I had everything steady

And then when I said I did she was gone like she came in a flash

And I wish she’d stuck around so I could properly thank her and see her face

It’s funny how people pop into your life like that

How the universe puts people places

Somehow

Impossibly and absolutely

Such a strange place this universe

But I wanted to say thank you to her and couldn’t

So I thought I’d hide it here in my box of thoughts

I have a funny joke

A boomer husband and wife walk into a shoe store that’s busy

There are two people working

They get the shoes to try on and then

And then the sales people are both busy and they have to wait

Well the couple does just what a boomer should in this situation

They begin to talk loudly about how ridiculous it is that they should have to wait

There’s no service here!

Unacceptable!

Bitch, moan, blah, blah, blah

Finally, the sales person on the floor pauses in their transaction and says

“There are only two people on shift”

The boomer exclaims, “But there are three people on the floor!” As if this should mean that another person simply materializes from the back room

Which, of course, they should, right?

The people in the store are two millenial ladies who are being helped by the millenial non-binary person and another millenial lady being helped by the second associate who is in the back.

The associate says, exhasperatedly, “I’m sorry, but that is just how it is and if you don’t like it you can leave.”

“We are leaving! No service here!”

“Well that’s rude…” One of the millenial girls tells the boomer.

“Yes it is!” Exclaims the boomer, who believes he has won somehow because boomer mental gymnastics, as he and his wife leave.

“It’s funny,” says one of the millenial ladies, “Boomers are always saying how we’re the problem.”

The millenials laugh together.

The end.

Entitled boomers are the worst.

This fucking bitch

Just spent 45 minutes railing on my because her return was complicated

Spent 45 minutes being exceptionally rude to me

Made a phonecall where she gleefully exclaimed how she was being nasty to me

And then had the gall to say to my face

I think I’ve been very calm for all this

If only she could see me screaming internally

Over $15

When she’s buying $300 boots

I wasn’t refusing to give it to her I couldn’t

All she had to do was call a number

Just calmly call a number but no

No it’s always the first line workers’ jobs to deal with these people

Grit our teeth and bare the weight

All this weight they put on us

I was compliant every step of the way I gave her everything she asked for up until I couldn’t and she insisted

I’m so fucking sick of saying I can’t

And having people say Yes you can

Like I’m doing this for fun

Like I wouldn’t rather be at home with my bunny whose meanest streak is making a mess in his cage

I hate it

I hate swallowing my humanity to give people what they want day in and day out

And anyone who says just do something else doesn’t get it

They don’t fucking get it

It’s one of those times of the day that I just sit and think.

Think about what I’m doing

Think about what I’m going to do

The current thinking is commonly surrounding money

How will I afford to live while waiting for Persons with Disabilities designation

How will I afford to keep my collection of rodents while I’m working far less and not able to make any more?

I’m mostly thinking

What do I do?

It’s all about this dip

I have to be poor to qualify

I can’t be any more poor without my entire life falling apart

Apparently poor is not poor enough for these people

But then how did the person applying for service afford the internet, printer, ink, and electricity to apply in the first place?

I had to borrow to get my application done

I wonder if that’s what everyone else does

I want to direct them to this site and tag every poem regarding pain and force them to read every letter and just see for a second

If they could just see for a second

It doesn’t escape me that I’m a disabled person who will be being judged by a probably able bodied person on whether I’m disabled enough to deserve funding

I’m so scared

So scared that somehow my suffering won’t be good enough for them

I just want to feel well enough to take a shower again

I just want to feel well enough to do the laundry again

I just want to feel well enough to clean my house so I can have someone over and actually see someone again

I just want to see someone again

I’m so tired of being alone

Just want someone to share my space for a while

And it’s not offense to the people I work with

Bless each and every one of them, they are intricate people

I just need to see someone when I’m not being forced to behave in a way

That’s what I’m thinking about today

Just going around in circles

I just want to land

I feel so stuck in place

I want to work because I want to feel useful

But I can’t work full-time which makes me slightly less useful anyways

But why do I want to feel useful?

Is it because of society telling me I must do so?

If it were up to me we’d only work when we wanted to

The rest would be for play

I want to feel like I am free of what society expects of me

I don’t want to be stuck within that very thin definition of what is right and proper

So perhaps not being able shouldn’t get to me as much as it does

Maybe I should see it as a slight to society and accept my self and my limitations

I’m not a bad human just because I fail to meet society’s expectations

Those two words should rhyme but they don’t quite how odd

Sorry

I really think that I wouldn’t be this hard on anyone else

Have these out of the world expectations

I think I should be easier on myself in this way

But I feel so stuck between the feeling of accepting it and feeling like I should be better

Trapped between thoughts

Like I often am

I have seen the not Robin Williams man a few times now

He often comes along on days when I am in a bad mood and don’t want to talk to anyone

He is always smiling

He always says hello

I am happy to say hello to him, sir who reminded me of Robin Williams in a moment when I needed a funny uncle to make the moment better

Today he said

Beautiful day eh?

And he was right

I’m in pain, but, the day is beautiful

The day is beautiful and worth seeing

Feeling the sun before it went behind the clouds was worth experiencing

I’m sure seeing the moon tonight will be worth it

There’s so many things that make it worth it

Gathering from all around

Forget the humans

I like to pretend they’re all NPCs and I don’t have to talk to them

They can do whatever they want, they aren’t part of my journey unless I invite them

I just focus on the things outside of humanity that make life good

Loving every seasonal change except that two months in summer when I can’t go outside because it’s too hot

Loving every flower, every animal, every river, lake, and ocean

Just because I can

Because someone might as well

He was right

It’s a beautiful day