Elucidating Questions

I find myself jealous of every day people

A random guy carrying a shopping bag from Thrifty Foods

Thinking how far he must have walked unhindered

I find myself jealous of people who can stand on the bus

Undeterred by the swaying and bouncing

I remember when I could do things like that

Walk more than two blocks and stand on the bus

I remember and they can still do it

And I wonder what is the difference between us?

Some genetic disposition, some curse of the gods, whatever it is

I wish I knew what it was

I wonder what the reason is

That I don’t have many friends

I’ve never had many friends

I have these fleeting people

Many fleeting people

I’ve had one friend for many years

Then three friends for a few years

Then one friend for a bit

I miss my friends from Japan

I wish that distance didn’t make those relationships so…distant

I always wonder if my Japanese self is actually more desirable than my Canadian self but

It could just be this disgusting pervasive whiteness that follows me around

My insides are so different from my outsides

So different that the insides are swallowed up as the outside operates.

This is not in a

I hate the world and all the people and I’m just pretending to me nice

Way

But in a

I force myself to be happy here to spite whatever put me in this glitchy human suit.

There’s a smile on my face but I am in a world of pain

I look like I’m doing just fine walking down the street when every movement is incapsulated by how much pain I’m in

Way

I don’t think showing my insides would make me any more desirable

Wantable

Needable

Do these other humans surrounded in humans have something I’m missing?

What am I doing wrong?

Besides greed and selfishness and whatever happened with my friend from highschool

And I’m not the greedy one

I cannot judge myself on selfishness

Where am I slipping behind everyone else

Why am I so alone?

I wonder if I’m a bitter person

That was something that I carried through

On the Road of Ramsey

That I mustn’t be bitter

Something lifted from a place that’s not even for me

But I don’t feel like a bitter person

I let go fairly easily

Of things that are let goable of

So afraid to be something wrong

For no reason

All these other people they don’t spend all this time course correcting their actions

I’m guided by some invisible compass determined to point straight North

I wonder why I do it

Who am I trying to impress?

My insides look so different

I wonder if this unknown judge knows

Why does the god of death haunt my dreams?

So much to wonder.

I don’t think I am bitter

I think I become bitter

Moments of bitterness

There’s a little slant to my life

Slanted right towards him

He’s been on my eye for a while

Never mine never mine

And I try to get up the slope

Farther away from him

But he’s there, he’s got this gravity pulling me in

I don’t mind that I just see him every now and then

But there he is between the lines and I don’t know how to win

This love

Technically real

This love

I hope there’s more than this

This love

Doesn’t really have an end

And I am pulled to him

Wage disparity makes me so upset

If I can survive (note survive not thrive, it is a struggle) on $35,000 there is no way anyone needs more than $500,000 to live for a year

Money hoarding should be illegal

Someone needs to calculate how much it costs one person to live comfortably for a year and then tax the ever loving fuck out of anything more than that

I wish it was that simple

That rich people weren’t so entangled in our government that doing so would cause some serious issues with law making

I wish we just worked and that meant we got a house and food.

Any work meant you got a house and food

Thanks for contributing to society

Now you get to live

There would be so much more literature and culture if we were allowed the time to create it

How many brilliant minds would bloom were they not always focused on survival?

Why does it have to be a race?

A race, by the way, with no finish line and the starting line is different for every person!

Not to mention the hurdles that some people face and others don’t

I wish I could go back to kindergarten days when everyone was encouraged to cooperate and share

Why are adults so terrible at sharing?

Humanity has so much potential locked away in poverty, starvation, homelessness

So much potential locked away by greed, vanity, and pride

I wish for something better

We could do better