Elucidating Questions

I’m not sure what changed in me

But I am terrified of death

Just the concept of not being me or whatever happens after

Just the overness of it

I’d rather endure an endless life with chronic pain than one with an end

But it eventually has to end doesn’t it?

Eventually there’s no humanity

Eventually there’s no Earth

Eventually there’s no sun, no stars, no inbetween

I’m so afraid of what’s next

I’m so afraid there’s nothing

I can’t find any proof of anything other than my own insanity battering me

I wish I could be freed from this fear but to be is to one day be ended

Except perhaps black holes

God damn black holes

Perhaps life continues

I have felt spirits

But I don’t know that I have

Right?

I wish I could just live forever

Wish myself into an alternate reality where beings don’t end

Stop worrying so much about what is inevitable and instead just enjoy myself

If my mind could leave me alone and let me rest

Why does it wonder these things to me when I’m trying to rest?

I wish I had an answer I couldn’t deny

Just wish I wasn’t having to remind myself everything is okay while my body creates reasons to have a panic attack

One of my favourite movies as a child was Never Ending Story

But nothing scares me like nothing

The two things that scare me the most are nothing and black holes

The absence of matter and an excess of matter

I want to go to a place where I can be happy with everyone I’ve ever loved that has ever loved me together.

But as far as I understand it

First there is nothing, and then there is everything, and then there is nothing again

This universe is so beautiful and so cruel

I’m writing through the panic to try to find a meaning but

I wish that someone was near to take me from my mind for a second

Rodents are great but they can’t reaffirm that everything is okay

I wish I could stop looking for an answer

Just be content with here and now

I’m so young but my body feels so old and I am so scared

That after all this pain

All this suffering all this bullshit all this being nice to people only to have them throw it back in my face all this insanity

That that’s it

In these moments that my mind tries to shake me to pieces

All this me held together by tape and string

I need someone to hold me together

But there’s never anyone there.

If there is a god

Any god listening

Please let me find someone who can hold all these broken parts together

I’d hold them together too if they wanted

Take a deep breath

Right now we are safe

Let’s be grateful

I’m so tired of dealing with people

Why do people have to be dealt with?

Why can’t they leave their deals at the door and just be nice for five minutes?

I’m so tired of people having an issue

9/10 things are possible to get over the remaining 10% is rape, murder, and assault or anything else to that extreme there is only one thing here that you can’t recover from

You can get over most anything

Got charged $5 extra? Okay calmly sort it out.

Something wrong with your bill? Alright just calmly sort it out

I hate constantly feeling like I’m dancing around a bunch of lit fuses like

And I am aware that part of it is my trauma, that’s a 10%er I get that

But people cuss you out because you’re out if stock on something

How can that possibly push you over the edge?

I am bewildered by these humans that always seem to be counting the straws on their back like they know the exact number that breaks it

And they are waiting.

No they will not just throw the straw away they will only count waiting

Hoping to reach that number and have their moment

I do not understand them

Things go wrong

They always do anything other than going wrong is a blessing

Just course correct

But they don’t they just explode

They should be more filled with water

And then the straws would float away and then get water logged and sink to the bottom of the ocean where they don’t bother anyo

It just feels for a moment as if my heart is gone from my chest

And all at once my body is silent and I am scared to death

When a sudden enthusiastic thud fills my ribcage and then all is fine again

How queer

How cruel

To leave me all at once for a second and then come back beating heavily like you ran from wherever you went back to my chest

How dare you?

You have one job

To beat and make listening to my brain harder to do

Two jobs.

Just two.

But again it feels like every part of my body is coming up for maintenance too soon

Like they wore out too fast

I’m waiting for an upgrade but I’ve heard that’s improbable at best

So heart

Or do I treat it nice like

Aw heart

Just do your jobs please

Stop scaring me at random

I’m hoping to stick around to see what I can see

Sometimes it’s pretty

It’s really quite unfair the way he makes me feel

And I could unfollow him and not feel it but I miss him and go wandering back eventually

But I just feel so

So much like a feeling that has no name with no reason attached to it

So dreadfully defeated

If he was in front of me

I’d be anything he wants of me

The way he twists his hands

Dances from foot to foot like he can’t stay still

That way he looks

That way his gaze darts all around

Oh I can feel his anxiety sometimes

I just want to take his hands and hold them and smile in his big beautiful stupid face and say

Slow down my love

But he’s not my love

And he never will be and I am well aware of that fact

Don’t ever think this trove of love poems and soul pouring still has any idea other than that

It makes me wish I could feel that way for someone else

But damn it he’s not a brand there’s no other one to go pick up at the store he was made as he is one of a kind

And I wouldn’t change it

Never change it

He’s so special

I wish the entire world could see how special he is

This is my weather

Yesterday it was raining and 5 degrees and I was freezing

And today it is 0 and snowing and I am entirely unbothered

This is my weather

Everyone else curses it black and blue

I’m so happy I can’t keep the smile off my stupid face

This is my weather

The rain leaves me aching

The sun burns my skin

This is my weather

I could sit here for hours in my two layers on top and one later on bottom

I’m not even the least bit cold

I am so happy that winter decided to fight this year

This is my weather

My life’s not the worst

Really it just takes a moment to think about it

If I had it my way I would live forever just to see it

It’s not the best life

It could be far improved

It would be nice if the best life and the worst life were a little closer together in terms of extremity

The worst being worse than you can imagine or properly process were you to hear of it

The best being some sick thing some rich person gets to experience

I assume anyways maybe it’s something quaint like a life full of love but

I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t complain but really what else are words for?

No in all seriousness I wouldn’t silence someone else living my life who says it’s not worth it

Chronic pain, mental health, and poverty all rolled into one but

I’m warm tonight in my bed with not full but has been fed today belly

Rich enough to write about it

I’d like to appreciate what I have but I also recognise it could be much improved upon

But I’m better off than some tonight and for that I am thankful

It’s not the worst night