Elucidating Questions

I have seen the not Robin Williams man a few times now

He often comes along on days when I am in a bad mood and don’t want to talk to anyone

He is always smiling

He always says hello

I am happy to say hello to him, sir who reminded me of Robin Williams in a moment when I needed a funny uncle to make the moment better

Today he said

Beautiful day eh?

And he was right

I’m in pain, but, the day is beautiful

The day is beautiful and worth seeing

Feeling the sun before it went behind the clouds was worth experiencing

I’m sure seeing the moon tonight will be worth it

There’s so many things that make it worth it

Gathering from all around

Forget the humans

I like to pretend they’re all NPCs and I don’t have to talk to them

They can do whatever they want, they aren’t part of my journey unless I invite them

I just focus on the things outside of humanity that make life good

Loving every seasonal change except that two months in summer when I can’t go outside because it’s too hot

Loving every flower, every animal, every river, lake, and ocean

Just because I can

Because someone might as well

He was right

It’s a beautiful day

I am impressed with how much pain my body can go through

You have no idea how much pain I am in all the time

Sharp pain, aching pain, burning pain

Sometimes my skin randomly feels like I have a sunburn

My feet and back hurt from standing and then I feel like I’m being stabbed in the side

It’s quite impressive

How many types of pain I can be in at one time

The fact that aches fade into the background like a noise machine that’s on too loud

That my brain or my nerves so whichever can just create this sensation out of no where like

I know what being stabbed feels like and I think I’m going to feel it right now

Sometimes it feels like my skin is too tight and my muscles are trying to get out

But it’s all made up

I’m not injured and I’m not hurt

But it hurts

I wonder how many people before me had this disease and lived through it like it was normal

How many of those with feeble body and constitution had what I have unnamed

I think about survival

And how if I was in an earlier era I would be completely screwed

I can’t imagine suffering with this and fighting to survive

Not that I’m not fighting

A different kind of fighting

It’s more like struggling

I know how lucky I am to be born in this time with this disease

And that’s fucked

That I’m lucky to have a disease because of when I was born

I don’t quite know how to take it

And I’m in so much pain

Like on a scale of 1-10 (one being discomfort and ten being blacked out from pain)

I’m constantly at a solid 5 or 6

Never below a 3

And I don’t want to live this way, but I do and I will

It just boggles my mind how the body can make up

So much pain

This stupid woman from today is keeping me awake

I tried so hard not to take her tone personally but it hurt my feelings

And I’m so sick of people talking to me like I’m beneath them

I hate the serve part of service

I’m so tired of people treating me like a fixture of the store

They don’t even give you twenty seconds to put away receipts from the last customer

They don’t wait for you to clean up after the last customer

They just come swooping in before you can even breathe and demand it

Service

And I can’t sleep

And this stupid woman is not worth my time and not worth my energy and not worth the brain power it takes to keep me lying awake for two hours

But all I can think of is why?

Why can’t I say to someone who is rude to me “you’re being rude to me and I’m done talking to you”? Why can’t I raise my head to their level and say, “Don’t speak to me that way”?

There isn’t a wage in the world worth being treated this way and you know the ones at the top never had to be so why?

Why is it that all I can do is write poems at midnight about the stupid bitch with her stupid shoes who spoke to me like she did

Customer service isn’t fair

They stopped calling it slaves and they can’t hit us anymore but people still treat us like we are less than they are and it’s not fair

If I had known I was going to be working in this industry until I was 31 I never would have started working at 16 and then I never would have had my wits kicked out of me emotionally by years of having people treat me like shit

I just want to sleep

I want to go to that stupid woman’s house and cause her the same emotional pain she’s caused me

But of course that’s never happening

And I wouldn’t dare

I just wish I was allowed to stand up for myself

That corporate didn’t require me to scrape my humanity off for eight hours and accept how I’m treated

Now it’s the middle of the night and how I’ve been treated is affecting my mental wellbeing but there’s no such thing as support for feeling like this

And they expect us to work for minimum wage?

Every person working in corporate should have had to work a week in retail

I just want to sleep

Instead I’m going to write a bunch of nasty things

Fucking asshole-bitch-cunt

People should fucking pay attention to how they talk to people so shit like this doesn’t happen but they don’t care

Everyone should be forced to care as much as I do

I care like the most tiny amount and it’s still more than almost every human I’ve come into contact with

Do better humanity

I hope your shoes don’t fit and you can’t get your money back.

Humans

Evolved out of having fur, decided that’s not what’s up, started stealing other things’ fur

Didn’t know what the solution to everything and existence is, but somehow almost always came to the conclusion that humans were somehow superior to everything else

Could see other stars in the sky, couldn’t figure out the sun was a real close up star for thousands of years

Will sit in front of their TVs believing everything a person with some trashy 4 year degree in journalism (IF THAT) says, will not believe scientists with 8 years+ of schooling

Buy something and then expect to be able to return it without a receipt

Humans can feel pain and recognise that others feel pain, can’t figure out when they’re causing pain to others

Or just don’t care, but do care when someone hurts them

And that’s not acceptable

I wish humans were better

Didn’t see themselves completely outside of the world’s harmonious existence and think

It must be because I’m better than all of it

Didn’t see a sign saying “don’t do the thing” and immediately do the thing or ask if they can be the exception and do the thing

Didn’t purposefully misread things in their own favour and then act like a jerk when they were the one wrong

I think every other person should have the same anxiety as I do so they’re all constantly trying to please everyone

I wonder what the world would be like if people were more like me?

Probably not great, but, probably also not as terrible as it is now.

And then everyone would be harmlessly crazy

Great

My mind is full of wrong thoughts today

And you

Whoever you is

Whoever it is that is missing from my life that I miss

I know it’s more of an idea than a corporeal you

You who I miss when I want to cuddle

You who I miss when I’m having a hard day and need to talk

You who could help me out of the mess I’ve got myself in

I wish it was as simple as setting eyes on you and knowing

Because these people have broken me and I am afraid

Because I don’t trust anyone completely

Because I’m anxious and just not my perfect self

I wonder if anyone will see me

Or if I will spend my life feeling like the inside and the outside don’t fit properly

I wish there was a you that can see me

Someone who doesn’t see the slanted view of me that everyone else sees

My thoughts are on the void in my life that has always been you

Sometimes I feel like I have a twin that died

Like there’s someone missing from this world

I hope you know wherever you are that I miss you

I think of you all the time

I love my mother

And I did not show her that often enough growing up

I regret my childish selfish brain that didn’t recognise how difficult it must have been to be my mother

Wildly independent

Always slightly crazy

Almost always at full tilt

And my mother was not the perfect mother

But I’ve come to learn there is no such thing and she kept me fed, and I had a warm bed to sleep in

That’s more than many, too many, get

I wasn’t cruel to her except in my teen years when my father indoctrinated me into thinking she was abandoning us and planning to steal my brothers and move to Texas

Sounds so incredibly wild and improbable now but I was young, and scared

But I wish I had loved her more

Made her feel loved and important and integral

Like she is

And I want to tell her now every day how important she is and how much I love her but you see this anxiety

Settle with a fleeting I love you

I wish I wasn’t such a burden to her

I wish I could tell her all the times I forgive and all the times I understand and all the times I should have loved her more

But our past is so dark and I don’t want to drag her back there

She is so beautiful in the present so serene and lovely

I believe we both weren’t the people we were meant to be under my father’s thumb

I wish I could tell her

She may be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen