Elucidating Questions

No matter what is I love you I do

I come running back to you

I just find so much safety in your melodies

When I want to run and hide it’s you I run to

Again and again

Over and over

And I appreciate that you’re there

Sorry just trying to type through the anxiety of a bus where there are multiple drugged up people

Why is everyone so fucking terrible at handling their drugs?

No seriously.

Anyways

Hiding away in Astoria

Please just take me home where I am safe from all these people they scare me

My hands feel numb with fear

I wish you could see me my soul is a ghost

And I’m curled up against your voice

There is no where I can find safety like your sound

Your voice

Your melodies

I wish I could tell you why

I don’t know why

Thank you for staying with me with your ways

I love you

I find myself jealous of every day people

A random guy carrying a shopping bag from Thrifty Foods

Thinking how far he must have walked unhindered

I find myself jealous of people who can stand on the bus

Undeterred by the swaying and bouncing

I remember when I could do things like that

Walk more than two blocks and stand on the bus

I remember and they can still do it

And I wonder what is the difference between us?

Some genetic disposition, some curse of the gods, whatever it is

I wish I knew what it was

I wonder what the reason is

That I don’t have many friends

I’ve never had many friends

I have these fleeting people

Many fleeting people

I’ve had one friend for many years

Then three friends for a few years

Then one friend for a bit

I miss my friends from Japan

I wish that distance didn’t make those relationships so…distant

I always wonder if my Japanese self is actually more desirable than my Canadian self but

It could just be this disgusting pervasive whiteness that follows me around

My insides are so different from my outsides

So different that the insides are swallowed up as the outside operates.

This is not in a

I hate the world and all the people and I’m just pretending to me nice

Way

But in a

I force myself to be happy here to spite whatever put me in this glitchy human suit.

There’s a smile on my face but I am in a world of pain

I look like I’m doing just fine walking down the street when every movement is incapsulated by how much pain I’m in

Way

I don’t think showing my insides would make me any more desirable

Wantable

Needable

Do these other humans surrounded in humans have something I’m missing?

What am I doing wrong?

Besides greed and selfishness and whatever happened with my friend from highschool

And I’m not the greedy one

I cannot judge myself on selfishness

Where am I slipping behind everyone else

Why am I so alone?

I wonder if I’m a bitter person

That was something that I carried through

On the Road of Ramsey

That I mustn’t be bitter

Something lifted from a place that’s not even for me

But I don’t feel like a bitter person

I let go fairly easily

Of things that are let goable of

So afraid to be something wrong

For no reason

All these other people they don’t spend all this time course correcting their actions

I’m guided by some invisible compass determined to point straight North

I wonder why I do it

Who am I trying to impress?

My insides look so different

I wonder if this unknown judge knows

Why does the god of death haunt my dreams?

So much to wonder.

I don’t think I am bitter

I think I become bitter

Moments of bitterness

There’s a little slant to my life

Slanted right towards him

He’s been on my eye for a while

Never mine never mine

And I try to get up the slope

Farther away from him

But he’s there, he’s got this gravity pulling me in

I don’t mind that I just see him every now and then

But there he is between the lines and I don’t know how to win

This love

Technically real

This love

I hope there’s more than this

This love

Doesn’t really have an end

And I am pulled to him