Elucidating Questions

I want to say something to you

Something

Something that will elicit a response

Just trying to get the magic words

What can get to you

Get to you in a way that will inspire a reply

But I look through all my words

And I’m certain none will fall right

Just more words said into the silence

I don’t know what I did to deserve this

Don’t know if I can take responsibility for something I did when I was sick and can’t remember

Just wish I knew the right words to say to get something back

It seems so pointless to spill all these words for no reason

Just wish I had the magic words

Just wish we could meet so I could show you

How much I care

I listened to some of your duets and all I can want is to sing with you someday too

But you don’t read it so what’s the point?

What reasons else do I have to write I wonder?

Just a place to put thoughts I guess

I wish I could be famous

A famous poet they teach in schools because they’re so famous

Just know that people are reading it

Just something

Like what if I got a couple thousand views a day instead of ten?

Not to diminish the ten just…

I wish this amounted to something

Anything

Poets are always poor people except in like Victorian times

I’ll just keep telling myself that

My mind is alive today with things to say

But yesterday it was trying to tell me to fade away

In the worst way

In an

All suffering is caused by you being alive

So you should die

And my psychosis

Was thinking I was about to

All the evening trying to talk through a maze of terrible reasons

Why I should not be there

Here

So today I want to be here

Aware, awake

I am here on Earth with 7 billion functioning humans and untold other critters wandering about

I am not a choice to end it

I keep having to remind myself I am nothing but an unremarkable human and I have no idea why my mind thinks otherwise

How cruel it would be if all suffering actually lay on my shoulders

What a terrible thing to think

And I don’t know why

My suicidal thoughts have turned to monsters since I last saw them in the dark

I’m going to have to upgrade my weapons systems

I won’t lose

Suicide is not stronger than me

I don’t really like sex

It’s fine and it feels nice, but I just don’t really need it.

It hasn’t really been a positive in my life

My first experience was at eight years old

Eight or nine probably

The next was losing my virginity at 28 to a person I loved who would never love me

Had some stupid sex with the same person several times

End of that

Found what I thought was the answer only to have him

Abuse me

Sex doesn’t seem worth it

There’s always someone benefitting and it’s not me

I’d rather live a life without it than experience what comes from it ever again

Not worth it

I wonder how some people live lives (have fun with that) consumed by sex

Is there good sex?

I don’t know

It’s really not worth the risk to find out

Oh to live in your music

Dance in the threads

Step along the beat

Go to a place where nothing else exists

Just us

Just us includes the band

I love you all so much

To exist within the melodies

To hold every scream every whimper every snicker

A symphony of sound with nothing else

When I listen to his music I feel so mixed up

He yearned for her so much I can’t help but be happy that he’s happy

I just want to protect what he has

Hoping he’s as happy now as he as he wished he was then

I suppose it’s written in what ever comes

Whatever music comes

I wish I could check with him

Hey, how are you?

Get an answer or two.

I just hope he’s happy now

No more Midnights dreary

No more trapped in madness

Just happy