Elucidating Questions

Every time someone else fails miserably

I am reminded about how I did

Is it miserably or spectacularly?

Perhaps somehow both at the same time

And now I have all this work that I can show no one

Lest I have to explain where it comes from

Then again no one would read all of it

No one wants to know me that badly

Imagine if I met someone who wanted to know all about everything

I wonder what I’d do

It’s not like I haven’t shown it to people they just never really care

I wonder what I’d do

Who knows maybe I hold some record unknown for useless poems written

Might as well keep filling it with filling

I failed and have nothing to show for it

Despite having only been following a path my mind told me I had to go down

And then waking up to find it was all a waking nightmare

I just wish I had even second place

Wouldn’t second place be nice?

I shot out of the gate and then crippled myself before the finish

All because I absolutely lost my mind

On the other side I can mostly live without thinking about it

Until reality comes back into focus

What is love?

How many people have asked that question and never heard the answer?

Will I ever experience love?

Is waiting even worth it?

If I have to just relive this broken connection to others all my life

I’d rather destroy it now

I don’t even know what I’m waiting for

Is it even any good?

Everyone keeps telling me it’s good, but not once in my entire life have I seen a relationship that lives

True love

As if that exists

Something someone else gets to experience and I get to watch

Am I jealous?

But as always I don’t want to take it from them

Just I want to experience it too

Why can’t I experience it too?

Because I believed in true love I wrote two thousand poems

And now that I don’t I’ve written 150 more

After all I don’t want to be alone at all

But there’s nobody

I don’t want anybody

Everyone is so scary

So full of methods to take another piece of me and go

So ready to take a piece of me and go

I wonder if there even is a place I’d fit in

In this universe so full of pain

Where destruction seems to be the norm

Do I even fit in here?

Trying to find some sense of where I could possibly feel at ease

Somewhere without tears of pain

Somewhere we could just live happily

But I don’t really want other people to be there unless invited

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a place waiting for me somewhere

Where all the people like me go

Whoever they are

I wish I could know some of them now

Sometimes I feel so alone

My mind tries to trick me into thinking I am

If I just had someone to hold on to for a moment

I’d like to go to the place where I and some others like me exist together

Maybe we’d heal each other’s wounds

How does one prove their worth?

How do I prove to someone who cannot see me that I am worthy

Am I even?

I wanted to prove it with everything I had but it came up short

Who knows how short

I wanted to be someone close to him but instead I am still a stranger

I wish I knew him better than this

Wish there was a way to show I’m worth it

To be worth it

I don’t know how to be more than I am

Just another face in the crowd of thousands who’d probably be capable of the same

I don’t know how else to show it

Wish I knew the right words

Wish I could come up with the right words

Something to make something come out of your mouth

Something that makes me worth your time

Something that makes me worthy of your words

So many words in so many orders that I can’t even keep track of what I’ve said and what I haven’t

And do I say it all again slightly different to see if the combination will unlock your words

How many more times do I have to come up with some words only to hear nothing back?

Something to uplift me from mediocre and up into the genius that is you

Just wish I could hear words for me in your voice

Even if it was just to tell me to go away

Oh to be worthy of being told to go away

Imagine me being told to go away by the one person who matters

Just something to be said by you

You have so many to choose from

Please just choose some

Say anything

I wish I had a companion

One that wasn’t stuck in a cage at home all day

Just something stuck to me that came with me

Someone I could talk to

I wish they followed me everywhere and we’d both listen to everything the other said

Someone to talk to so I don’t have to face strangers alone

Because humans terrify me