Elucidating Questions

Really, it’s not like I don’t have friends

I always have someone come through to save the day

I know I’m fortunate that way

But I don’t have anyone to talk to

No one to spend time with

No one that sends me a text just saying

Beach?

That already knows the answer

I am so lucky to have people who will always catch me when I’m about to fall

But I just want to have coffee and go for a walk

Okay, maybe less walking these days

These days

Couldn’t we go for a drive up island?

Couldn’t we wander the grove?

I just want there to be a we

Me plus…

Someone

A kind person who understands me

Just someone that loves the animals

And understands me

I wish someone would understand me

Friends must be nice

In a longing way

It must be nice to have someone to see

Someone that wants to see you

I have people in my life

But they never want to see me

I’ve seen people make time for others

Fit others into their important and busy schedule

They don’t do that for me

I don’t fit anywhere

They don’t want me

It must be nice to be wanted

In a dejected way

I wish I was good enough for people to spend time on

I know it’s fleeting

I know it’s precious

But I would spend my time on them

Is anyone there?

Does anyone want me?

Into the depths of the sadness

The lonesome, solitary, sadness

With tears streaming down my face I ask the space around me

Can I have a friend?

Will anyone be my friend?

Without it

Every little thing that’s wrong with my life piles up

Without it

I stumble into the water

I can’t feel like myself, I can’t just wait until it’s better

I just suffer

More aware of the aches the pains

More aware of the can’ts and impossibles

It would only take a drop in the bucket for me to feel better

But no one has any to spare

I wouldn’t be stuck like this if this world was better

And I dwell on the stuckness

Dipping into the waters of sadness

I just want to feel

Not even better

I just want to feel

Less useless, less of a burden, less of a problem to be dealt with

I don’t know how to ask for what I need

And there’s no one to give it to me

There seems to be a distance

Something placed here

Was it you? Or just happenstance?

No matter how far away I am near

This I swear

No pretense here

I only have what I have to give

Nothing to expect

Just a moment waiting to happen

It could be a great moment

The first moment we connect

I thought that once

Once upon a time in a place far far away from here

I wonder what it is now?

Do I let the melody save him?

I wanted to be a part of this too

Someone

Something

I wish I could find a way to him

Just so I could say to his face

Damn it you’re fantastic

Can’t you see all of us down here on the ground looking up at you in amazement?

Up at you who lives in the clouds and sings down his angel songs to us

Or something

Just something, I’d like to say something

I don’t know what I am but I know it would be my dream to care for you

Genuinely and not in this disconnected, far away, wall up, way

I wonder how you’re doing

I wonder where you’re going

I wonder what it feels like to be connected to someone who is so great?

It’s so sad he doesn’t see it himself

If illuminating one was the goal

Undone

Undone

The never ending road we travel on

Just one more cog in the wheel turning neverending

Feeling like we’re left out of the story

We tell of him untold undone unseen

Just whispering whisperings into the net and trying to see what comes out

What comes out?

And this never ending story doesn’t seem to know or rather won’t accept that it’s over and done with

The damage is done

Nothing changed but he chose

He chose anyways

And beyond the realisation that Astoria was never even in the running

Merely an anecdote on a page in a margin

Something unseen by eyes, undone by invisible ink

Just another drop of ink

Has there ever been so much writing with so little ink used?

And yet more unseen by no one as we wait silently for judgement by one

If only he were still here

If only they were

And yet it never comes

And damn it it never comes

To these pleading eyes unseen the saying of silence

And silence is as this is after all silence itself

Never spoken by anyone these words are unspoken

Merely dripped inkless into the web

Would I even speak them were one there?

Hello I love you

Can I take all your pain?

Or something similar there said

No

Unwittingly no

Would there even be words to say were one there?

Rather they be lost forever

Rather unseen

Rather undone in time

Unendingly unknown

Platonically

I should probably add that to all of my statements from now on

You’re beautiful, platonically

I love you, platonically

After all I’m not some person trying to steal away anyone’s man I just

Love him

And a lot of other people

But saying it makes it awkward

I want to tell everyone how beautiful I think they are

Yes you are sexy

No I do not want sex from you

Can I just have a mark on my forehead that tells everyone I don’t want to have sex?

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was all displayed there in the skin

I love you

But I don’t want anything from you

Other than to be allowed to tell you I love you