Elucidating Questions

In my dream last night I started singing

Testing testing I’m just suggesting

Except I got the lyrics wrong

And I don’t know why I started singing

But there you were again

So half invited

I want you around but I live in lonely bliss without you

But I know I’ll never cut you out completely

You’re like air I can’t quite breathe right

There he is, not quite

Not quite

But I know I’ll be here forever as long as I live

Somewhere closeby where you can’t see me

How I wish you could see me

Imagine

I find it decidedly unfair

How I am linked to him but not he to me

That I spend every day with thoughts of him buzzing about

But he goes through his day entirely without

Without whatever I am

I am a stranger unheard of

And he is my most treasured man

How unbalanced that is

How is it that this is allowed to stand?

I mean fuck it I love him

But he doesn’t even know I exist

And not in a teenage “but he doesn’t know I exist” way

I literally don’t exist in his universe

I don’t exist in many universes but his is the one I want to exist in

I want to

I wish to

I wish I could will it to be

Thinking about you a lot today

Put on your music and gave my empty store a concert

Someday

Someday

I want to sing on the stage again like you do

I want to stand on stage and be seen like you are

But I’ve been thinking of you

And your musical genius

I wonder what time you get up in the morning?

Or afternoon whatever suits you

I wonder what you had for breakfast

I wonder if you have the same excitement for food and my guinea pigs and bunny do

I wish I could show it to you

Because I think it’s important

I want to know what you’re doing

Where you’ve been

How you’re doing

Just be in good health

I just want you to be in good health

Want you to know you’ll be in my life forever more and I love the moments you’re in it

I want us to be here together

Even though we’re apart

I’m just glad I got to be here to see someone like you

Don’t think I’ll ever break the wall down

But I want to see you

I like bums

Specifically women’s bums

Simply because men’s are usually flat

I like the shape and the curvature

I have absolutely zero sexual interest in these bums

I just like them

I also like animal bums because they’re cute

But I just wonder, why?

Or rather, why am I different?

Again these comparisons between me and anyone else, but I wonder

For me it’s just the shape and it pleases me

Doesn’t change my opinion of the person one way or another

Just, Oh that’s nice, and then on to the next thing

I’m made to understand other people get sexual feelings when looking at those parts of the body yet I have none

I just like them

I have to be careful because some people don’t like to be told they have a nice bum

But I tell other animals that all the time

Humans are peculiar

Like, why am I attracted to bums (platonically) and not, say, elbows?

Peculiar

So very peculiar

I’ve got my psychosis in a head lock

It keeps insisting that by existing I am causing all suffering

And then insisting that I am the only true being in the universe

And I was thinking about this

And realised the misstep

Dear psychosis if you will explain how if I am truly the only being in the universe

Why does it matter if my existence is causing suffering?

Why if I am the only one here

Then they are all simply something else

Don’t worry I am not accepting the alternative fact that I am the only one

I merely must point out this ultimate error that allows me once more to escape from these incessant thoughts

You’ve been beaten by my inability to stop thinking for one bloody second

Of course I know this is just round one I’m not letting my guard down

It’s exhausting battling madness

Such a drain on resources

Especially when the only casualty is myself

I don’t know how to rally troops around me

I feel like I’m constantly battling for my life alone