Elucidating Questions

I have this sadness in me, heavy like an ocean

If we touch I drown for days

Sometimes I want to let it out

Find release

Instead of feeling this heavy weight looming still

I’ve spent many years

Deep within its waters

Trying to keep my head up to the clouds

I’ve been running from this things for forever

Imagining it doesn’t exist

But if I sit I see it

Right there waiting for me

I wish that I could help it

But I’ll just be sucked in

I want to socialize

Like one of those humans I see walking by my store, with friends

Do I even remember how to be friends?

Is that why I don’t have friends? Because I can’t remember how?

I don’t know how to be like them all

Whatever face they’re showing I suppose

I can’t say they’re free and being themselves

Surely more of them feel like me like

The insides and the outsides don’t meet

But they always seem to be enjoying themselves those humans talking to each other

I’d like that, to talk to someone who listens and understands

I always find it hard because the therapists they seem to get it but no one else seems to get it

But maybe it’s their job

I don’t know how to have a relationship where I am fulfilled

I’m always filling other people’s missing spaces

I’d like to have a relationship

Any relationship

Where I feel like my needs are met

But then I wonder, simply,

Am I asking too much?

Is the reason no relationship has been fulfilling because I have impossible to fulfill fulfillments?

That’s just such a funny looking word

I don’t know what is too much

So afraid of too much

Everything seems like too much when you have nothing

Next to nothing

I don’t want to discount what I do have

But everyone else has friends that want to talk to them

And I have friends who can exist with or without me

I’m not something special to anyone

I don’t expect the perfect relationship

But friends would be nice

I’d like friends

When I see happy endings now

I am no longer filled with joy for the people whose ending came true

It feels pointless and I have so little energy for happy endings

If they were in front of me I would be happy for them

But it’s just another story of a happy ending

And my endings are very rarely happy

More twisted stories about terrible things that led to okay things

My one happy ending after not knowing where I would live was finding this place

I haven’t ever really had the cards line up in my favour

Or rather to say not so much that a story could be told of it

More or less rolling 15 over and over and over again.

Not terrible

Not note worthy

Haven’t rolled a 20 in a while

No full houses here

Everything

All the time

I see everyone else’s happy endings now

I’m not jealous

Rather just say ‘that’s nice’ and continue on

I’d like to see a happy ending

But I suppose I don’t want to go through the shit that precedes it anyways

I went out today

Today for the first time in months

I took my cane because I need it to get around now

Some guy asked

Did you injure yourself skateboarding?

Because I’m wearing converse but contrary to his thinking this wasn’t an injury this was just

How my life is

And I kind of wished for a moment that it was an injury

Wished it was something that would get better sooner or later

But, no, instead I told him

I have a chronic pain disease

And I hate that because pain and chronically being in it are just a spec of the problem

But I said it the short way because I already didn’t want to be having this conversation

He just said “I guess it would be better if it was an injury” which wasn’t wrong and then wandered off into the never to be seen again along with all the rest of the humans in my day

I wish there was a cure for this

I don’t like how people comment on my cane

It’s my youth they don’t like to see I assume

I’m still young though my body feels so much older

I wish I could have a person to hold on to

But I know that’s a lot to ask

It’s too much to ask for a cure I’m sure I just wish I could feel better than this

So people would leave me alone

I was happy puttering along just fine before this unfriendly reminder that I am living in a world they can’t even dream of

I wish they would leave me alone

I don’t have a new story to tell them

I don’t really want to be alone anymore

Need someone to help carry this heavy life of mine

Someone who listens and understands

Just happens to be there at the right moments

Someone to share with

I wish I knew who it is

So I could walk right up and see

Tell them we’re just meant to be

Except this time it would be true

And not nothing

Maybe we could be together more than sometimes but not quite all the time

Because I need my space

Maybe we could sing together every song we’ve ever loved

Because we want to

I just don’t know if I’m ever going to meet another person

I don’t have much luck

I’m just waiting to be someone worth noticing

I wish someone would notice me

Because somehow I still want to see you

Every day every day

I want to hear your voice

Even if I love you I know I’d never measure up

I would never measure up but

Somehow everyday I still want to know you

Maybe it’s just my curse

But I wish you could see

How much I want to say to you