Elucidating Questions

It’s a big difference

It used to be

I want to die

And now it is

Why don’t you just die?

So it’s not so internal and I’m not longer blaming myself for bad situations

I don’t feel the want to escape to nothing

Rather I’d like whomever is the actual problem to cease their own existence

So it’s progress

Probably better to not wish someone be dead

But at least it’s not me anymore.

I mean, really, better you than me.

I chewed my thumb until it bled from the anxiety

My first reaction is still the same old

But the second one comes with fire.

It’s all slowly sinking in

In free fall for a month or two

Hanging by my teeth

It could finally get better now

I could feel like a person again

Less like a walking talking customer service robot

That only goes home to sleep

This cautious optimism that I’ve found is new

This unknown possibility of being okay

I wonder if this is how lucky people feel all the time

I was so ready for a fight that my mind is still in high gear, ready to problem solve

Ready to jump through the many hoops of bureaucracy to get to the funding I should be entitled to

After all I am broken

But this time I didn’t have to fight

How strange to not have to fight

It just…went exactly the way you want these things to work

What?

My mind can’t handle this

Went well?

Holy high hell

The last time we tried to change our life for the better we crashed and burned so hard

2000 poems later

But this time

This time I must have done something right

That’s how it goes right?

If you do something right, good things happen?

Well that’s the way everyone else seems to do it

Maybe I did it right this time

The world is so beautiful until humans rear their ugly heads and get involved

Though I’m proud to say I live in an era where the people stand up and say no

To the sad little man and his army

I wish they’d just go home

All those people suffering

And dying for no reason

It doesn’t matter what some rich bastard says, there is no reason

If only there was something I could do to stop this

Something, anything, that I could do to make it end

But I’m just the invisible poet

And you cannot in an empty room make a stand

It’s stuck in my head

They all get stuck in my head

But I don’t want to listen to this one,

It’s the same old Good to you, one love

Song that’s been sung a thousand times

By you and everyone else it seems

I want a new sound

A new song that excites me

It can’t be possible that all they can do is sing the same songs over and over again

I miss that feeling of hearing a new song

Something new

Scared, scared, scared

I don’t want to die, I don’t want mother Earth to die, I don’t want all this beauty to die

But how do you reason with a madman that has all the guns?

I’m scared, it’s in my bones, they’re tense like they want to do something

I’m clenching my teeth and then realising and then forgetting and then clenching my teeth again

Why is one of the worst people on the planet the safest person on the planet?

I don’t want them to hurt her

My beautiful blue jewel

Please don’t hurt her

Why can’t you see how beautiful and rare and magnificent she is?

Don’t mar her surface with bombs

Does he crave the end?

His threats make it seem so

That type of person should not be in charge of anything

He isn’t scary, his capabilities and capacity for terrible things are.

Dare I ask for a super hero?

Just someone to come and make it all better?

I knew war was coming.

Plague, I saw it, war I saw it, this all just sounds like

I was crazy as a beast, nutty as a goat, and psychic as a seer.

Fuck.

There is a bad man

Who needs to be stopped

If someone would just stop him

Today I am supposed to be celebrating my birthday

And instead I am thinking about the blood strewn across our good mother earth

The victims’ only crime being born on the wrong side of the line

It is my birthday and I am reminded how disgustingly powerless I am

Because decent people don’t get into power

And then I look at my bunny

And, if there is a good god,

He will never know about this war being started by angry, greedy, sad little men who deserve nothing more than to be fed dirt until they cannot do anything but feel the dirt all the way down their throats until their stomachs explode.

Ahem

Humanity is so complicated

So

Such a sad thing

That we just let him do this

We just watched like

Look he’s going to do this

We let him into our peaceful Olympics

Rewarded him with medals

And I am powerless to stop it

Watching time and again as these sad, angry, disgusting men do whatever they want.

Why is it that I can enjoy my freedom without bothering anyone else

But this sorry excuse of a “person” has to kill people to enjoy his?

Just…

Be creative universe!

Do anything!

People are dying and I can do nothing but sit here and say angry things.

Wish the universe would do something for me

I wish I could do something

My thoughts are with Ukraine tonight.

I wish my thoughts could reach you.