Elucidating Questions

Platonically

I should probably add that to all of my statements from now on

You’re beautiful, platonically

I love you, platonically

After all I’m not some person trying to steal away anyone’s man I just

Love him

And a lot of other people

But saying it makes it awkward

I want to tell everyone how beautiful I think they are

Yes you are sexy

No I do not want sex from you

Can I just have a mark on my forehead that tells everyone I don’t want to have sex?

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was all displayed there in the skin

I love you

But I don’t want anything from you

Other than to be allowed to tell you I love you

There’s a part of me that wants to smash my face into cement

Relying so heavily on others

Relying so heavily on my parents

Taking from them

And I feel powerless

I am stuck here because this needs to happen for everything to get better

But why?

Why do I have to be more poor to qualify for disability?

I feel better

But to the detriment of those I love

And I can be grateful for it but at the end of the day I should be able to stand on my own two feet

Because the world says I am an adult now

It’s an inevitability that we all face yet I falter

Why can’t I make these hurdles no one else seems troubled by?

He claims he still don’t measure up

So what am I?

What am I?

It’s not my thing

Too much of the same song sung in different ways

There may be five hundred ways to say it but you can only sell it for so long

Too much painting yourself as inadequate

Is that her fault or yours?

You could stand to think on that for a while

You’re here doing all this

Even writing the same song five hundred ways over and over

We’re too similar

It’s simple and expected

Dare I say I’m bored?

It’s not for me anyways I suppose my opinions hold no matter

Well it’s fine

You’re having fun aren’t you?

Have fun.

I’ll search for something new elsewhere

I hate Valentine’s Day

Rather sit through the day and pretend it’s just a regular day

No love I’m missing

No special moments I’m just not allowed to experience

No sick disgusting sappy Valentine’s bullshit that’s supposed to make up for the other 364 days of the year when no one gives a shit about each other

Jealous maybe

Everyone else seems to get to enjoy Valentine’s Day

Or they have at some point

Or they received Valentine’s from people that liked them in school

Other people got the hearts and chocolate in high school once it wasn’t mandatory to pass one out to everyone

Other people go on retreats together for Valentine’s

Other people have someone to call their Valentine.

Valentine’s is a reminder of something I have never experienced that I am not allowed to experience

I wish I could experience it

It’s not fair

I was just attracted to another human

This doesn’t happen very often

I liked his swagger and his long hair, how his cheekbones jutted out just so

Just for a moment

Just another pretty boy walking by

So fine until they open their mouths

So rarely attracted to humans am I

Terrified to

Bewildered by

Near never attracted to

He had long legs like Josh’s

The more they remind me of him the more attracted to them I am but

The men I’m attracted to seem to all be vapid, whoring, and toxic

Sometimes just one sometimes all three

Not interested in my brand of love

I need to know who wrote the laws of attraction that I’m governed by

I’m attracted to the sun until it burns me

They usually burn too bright

I wonder what he would do if he knew I was writing about him right now, just someone he passed in the street

I wish I had the chance to know someone I’m attracted to who is also attracted to me

But see

I’m not good enough for the people I’m attracted to

Have this uncanny ability to shoot for the stats from the ground

I just never make it close enough

I love the men that shine like stars

But I am too far away