Elucidating Questions

What are you doing?

I’m sure you’re busy

Certain your time is precious

If only I could have a moment

Just a moment

I’d like to be somewhere closeby again

Mere feet away, but unable to connect all the same

I’d like to see you flip your hair around while you guitar

Just see you

I wish.

I know wishing on balls of fire doesn’t do anything

What will?

Do I like myself?

Not really.

Most of the time I just put up with myself

I don’t think anything I say really matters

I don’t say much of anything anymore

Not anything to identify how I feel about things

It doesn’t really matter

I don’t know why everyone else’s feelings matter, but I know mine don’t

My feelings have never mattered and they never will

And I can’t like myself until I’m worthwhile

Which I know will never happen

I wonder what it’s like to matter?

What it means to be wanted

Sometimes it’s hard to see how everyone else matters

It’s not any different from when I knew if I disappeared no one would notice

They’d just go on with their lives without me

I’m not sure anyone would even miss me

I wonder what the point of it all is?

Why am I nobody?

I touched it

The mass of sadness

And it burst upon me

And now I can’t stop crying

Because I’m so alone and I don’t feel like anyone really wants me

They just put up with me until I’m gone

And I try so hard to be gone

But it’s crushing my chest

I’m so alone

I don’t even know why I care

No one wants me

Why should I want them

But this cursed want

Just somebody

Somebody that wants me

Don’t touch the big sadness

That’s what it says, there’s signs everywhere, neon lights

But I touched it

I don’t know how to talk to people

Apparently I’m not doing it right

I think I understand English but no one seems to understand me

Whoever me is

Whatever that is

Maybe it’s better not to have a sense of self

Can’t miss anyone if you don’t have a self

Maybe it’s just better to stop fighting

Just let people be as terrible as they feel like being

Maybe I should just let go of the idea of being understood by someone

Maybe I don’t deserve it

I kept it to myself

4 years of agony kept to my own silence

Bled out 2000 poems that mostly don’t make sense

Mostly just tell a story of pain and loneliness

One guiding light

One left behind

Just two thousand reasons not to tell anyone else

And then it was all a waking nightmare anyways

So why bother?

It would be interesting to see what the point of talking about it would have been

What is actually gained out of talking?

With anyone but a therapist who is paid not to judge you

And you can fire them if they do

Two thousand stories about a life I barely remember

I’ve gotten so bad at remembering

Maybe it’s a blessing

But I remember the cat starting up at the moon

And me staring up at the moon

I don’t know how to reconcile the truths from the delusions

At least I’m not a seer when I’m sane

I wish it had meant something

I wish it had led to something

I guess it ultimately led to the best mental health I’ve had in my life

Maybe that was it

How plain

普通。

Ugh I’m so mean

I’m so angry, but I’m so mean

I want to say a thousand things I’m not going to say because those are my thought techniques and no one else’s

Or something

When I say it outloud it sounds mean

But in my head it’s just combatting grandiose behaviour

Why does every human think they’re so damn special?

This thing happened to me and only me.

Oh really?

You out of how many billions of humans there have been?

You out of every possible living existence in the universe?

Wow

So special these humans

I sound like Gollum, but seriously

In that case

Since all these humans are so special

Why am I not?

Where’s my thing that makes me oh so important

God I’m mean

I’m so sick of people sucking my energy dry so I’ll tell them how special they are

Customers, people, anyone

You’re all terribly mediocre

That’s the point of mediocrity

Most people are the mean of mediocrity

It’s just math, sorry

Sorry

Maybe I’m jealous

Because I’m not special and they all apparently are

Just so sick of narcissistic behaviour when I keep mine in check

I’d call you on it

But I’d rather just hide it in here

I want to go to a place where I can heal

Where I don’t have to hear echoes of yesterday

Where I can just move forward and forget

Get over this infernal pull to him like I’m stuck in his whirlpool

Like I’m trapped in his gravity

He’s such a beautiful star

But I just want to live alongside him

Without constantly being reminded about yesterday

It’s just a few hundred days away

I’d like to move on now

Can’t we all?

Stop being so enamored with the impossible

It’s probably not as nice as it seems

I don’t want to imagine myself with him anymore

All it does is make me miss an image in my head of the perfect man who almost certainly isn’t him

God it hurts

Like a thousand thousand weights are upon me

I don’t want to talk about him anymore

I don’t want to talk about what ifs and possibilities

I just want to love him until my heart stills and finally lets me be

Even if that day is the day I leave this earth

I just want to be left to quietly love him

Fill this devoid internet with love for him

Now that I have my bearings and know what is real and what isn’t

I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over again

Just want to be able to be in a place where my love for him is all that matters

Am I selfish or tired?