Elucidating Questions

I don’t know, do I?

It’s fun to play with moments that used to terrify me

Who was saying what and what was what to begin with

I’ve been sicker than some

Sicker than most

So I know how I got here?

何となく来た見たいな感じ

You know?

You don’t, that’s fine

My heart doesn’t speak the second language I learned

It speaks the third which may have been the first

Ah the mysteries of time

I may be crazy, but I’m better

It’s nice to be better

Except the better I get the worse everyone else seems to be

Life is so strange.

Sometimes I listen to women’s interactions with men

I’m a listener, I’m a watcher

So often the interactions are the man getting upset about something and the woman trying to fix whatever the man is upset about

I don’t know what their motivation is, mine would be fear

The opposite happens as well, a man trying to calm a woman, but there’s less desperation to it when a man does it

More condescending

Control your emotions woman

Society doesn’t realise how disregulated our men’s emotions are

They’re taught incorrectly to never express emotion except they’re often pacified when expressing loud and angry emotions, so that seems to be what they express

Women are often mocked for crying, or expressing loud emotions

The crazy woman

The “over sensitive bleeding heart” woman

This strange societal expectation of certain emotions from a gender

Women must be happy and bubbly and sweet

Men must show limited emotion except anger and outbursts are apparently acceptable

Gender just sounds so constricting

It’s mysterious

Where did it come from?

Seperated by different shapes but this is so arbitrary

Arbitrary as hair, eye, and skin colour

As height, and weight

Hand shape and foot size

It doesn’t mean anything

I remember getting my hair cut short when I was young and losing my shit because it was short

And I lost my shit again when a younger little one called me a boy

So attached to gender was I, clinging to it like it was a part of me

Little boys have this part and little girls have this part

What they didn’t say was gender is a societal construct and varies from culture to culture with no specific definition for what makes one or the other besides shape

What they didn’t say was because you’re shaped a certain way there are lists upon lists of do’s and don’ts depending on each person’s personal ideas of what makes one or the other

What they didn’t say is that every definition of what makes one or the other is always constrictive and puts people in boxes they don’t fit in

What nonsense it is

I’ll just be everything and nothing all at once

Just like I always am

Everything and nothing

It’s sad what society turned people into

Men should be allowed to feel

But they should understand those emotions and regulate them instead of always being an explosion about to go off.

I had a dream we were talking

About music?

I just remember looking at my phone

It was such a nice feeling

Just talking

Just interacting

I miss knowing the words that were said

The details of the room

The details of what happened

I have a new reoccurring dream

A building with a business below and a home above occupied by an old man

He dies during the course of the dream

Sometimes he has a wife

It’s always in Japan

I have dreams about being in Japan

But this one keeps coming back

I don’t dream of you every night anymore

When I do it’s a gentle reprieve from the reoccurring nightmare I have of still being in a relationship with him

Waiting for drugs

Always waiting for drugs

I wish I could find you in real life

Maybe the nightmares would stop if I could move on

I dreamt of you last night

It was the only good dream I had

You’ve been with me today

That may be by choice but you’re with me

Maybe it’s not so bad being able to hide away without hiding

I wish I could share with you what you bring to my life

Prove to you how integral you are

Sometimes I see you haven’t posted for a few days and I worry

Busy? Or gone?

Please don’t ever be gone

I dare you to outlive me so I never have to exist in a world where you aren’t there

A world without you is a pointless world

I’d rather stay living so outlive me

I miss you in that unmet how could I possibly way

You could never know

You are the music in me

Sun, oh dear sun

You’re too close again go away

But don’t go away just go far enough away but close enough and stay there

Curse this push and pull

Sun just stay right there

Stop saying it’s not your fault and you’re not the one moving

Earth, stop it

Stop the rocking

Okay probably the rocking has some integral reason for happening that I, a lowly human, cannot fathom

But damn it it’s too hot already.

I miss summers where I could stay in the sun the entire time

Oh how I miss that

It’s just how it is because humans are greedy fuckers

Maybe damn humans then

Maybe save the ones that are worthwhile though