Elucidating Questions

The money is never high, but it’s a nice sentiment

Wondering why being a working person has to hurt so much

Oh it’s just the weather shifted and now I’m in agony

What I wouldn’t give to just go to bed and stay there for a while

But I stay up, you see, at least up. At least out of bed and sitting and interacting with the day

I must not become bed ridden

Practically bed ridden but not completely

I have to keep fighting even without anyone with me

Some fluffy potatoes and a bunny butler to keep me company

Keep me going

Thank the universe for sending them to me

Curse what ever it is that causes death for taking them away

Keep fighting

Even with nothing I have to go on

Even with hunger and an empty bank account bringing me down

I have to keep fighting on

Love is the answer

I know it is but I don’t know what it means

Does it mean I keep loving him?

Even though I’m nobody and he loves her?

Do I love the people that hate me?

How do you do that?

I don’t believe turning the other cheek works in a gun fight

Read this blurb they don’t hate you they hate themselves

It’s a nice anecdote and all but when they’re bringing guns to point at people like me

It’s so hard to love a bodily threat

You know?

I love the ones close to me

Love the Sun, the Earth, the Moon

I know if people had more love,

Loved more like me

I hate to say I’m good something but I love so fiercely

I’m sure I’m not the best

But more like me

I never expect the best

The best is for those who have the talent running through their veins

Above okay

If there was that much love

Could this world be saved?

I don’t know.

I don’t.

But I know love is the answer.

The sun came out just in time to dry my hair

Oh sun I appreciate everything

I’m inside now with your fire still burning under my skin

I already miss you

I wish I could bring you inside

Get a lamp they say, like they’ve never really felt the sun before

That he is so much more than a lamp

Like they haven’t felt the pressure of light being on them

Fire dancing across your skin from thousands of kilometres away

Like they haven’t brought the fire inside with them on a late spring summer day and felt as it slowly disappeared from their skin

Nothing can replace him just as nothing can replace the Earth.

I worship them quietly in my way, acknowledging them and being with them

Light is a music I have yet to understand

I wish I could hear it

Don’t you?

I’m in so much pain

This body of mine designed to languish in bed all day

Frankly I’d like an exchange

It’s this odd tightrope

I almost prefer being unable to work full time

Forced to trade the majority of my life for nothing in return but living so I could continue to work

What a sick, twisted world this is

That I’m practically bed ridden and thinking I might be the lucky one

Legitlated poverty not withstanding

Wouldn’t want life to be too easy for us lazy disabled people

Yup, sick and twisted.

I feel like I’ve worked a full work week with a cold

Cursed flesh and bone

No one wants this body

With its insesant fat and its inability to function

Can’t remember what I said less than a minute ago

I’m so frustrated all the time

Too sick to cook, too sick to clean

Too sick to afford someone who could do it for me and heaven forbid someone wanted me enough to do it because they can and want to.

Sometimes I’m jealous of my mum for having a soul mate

None of that’s for me

And how could I expect someone to take me?

With so much can’t

I wish there was so such thing as getting better

But that’s not for me either

Where are you?

Tap tap tap

Knock knock knock

Where’d you go to when you’re not presenting me with your face?

I miss you

Like wonder what you’re up to

How’s your dog?

Does my missing even mean anything?

Just post your face so I can see it’s in one piece

You’d better be in one piece or I’m gonna find you and put you back together again

What a long time it’s been since we were in the same room

I’d like to be on the wave length that brings you to me

I demand proof of existence

As much weight as one of my demands carries

If I’m the world’s number one non-binary princess you’re its number one prince

Have you been taking care of yourself?

You can do things other than work, you know

I say as I am never torn from my world’s greatest hyper fixation

You, you know.

Every song that has a you

Becomes you

That is the yous that are about loving you

How many times have I told you

A future without you is no future

Is a future without meaning

I could fold it into other words

I wonder if anyone recognises it?

Locked away as it is in this strange internet hole

I think of you at the oddest moments

I wish I could enter an endless dream with you

We’d sing the song of truth together

How I wish we could sing together

I have so many pretenses you must hate every one

How I wish I could present myself to you simply as a me that wants nothing

But, love, I am human

I am made up of wants

Isn’t that living though?

How I wish I wish I could wish a wish that sticks

This morning I had a message from

Josh Ramsay

How the internet likes to trick me I knew already it was fake but just for a moment

I’m probably something awful for loving him and having that moment

Desperately loving an idea

This shape I’ve created that could be human if it would just speak

Speak damn you speak

No I shouldn’t damn the shape of you I’ve idea’d

It’s all I have really

All I have to direct this love that goes no where

Sometimes I feel guilty but it really isn’t as though I’m harming anyone

Putting love into a hole on the web

Here I can say I love you I love you I love you

Put it somewhere other than my head

It’s nice to put it down

Otherwise I’d feel very alone