Elucidating Questions

Every song that has a you

Becomes you

That is the yous that are about loving you

How many times have I told you

A future without you is no future

Is a future without meaning

I could fold it into other words

I wonder if anyone recognises it?

Locked away as it is in this strange internet hole

I think of you at the oddest moments

I wish I could enter an endless dream with you

We’d sing the song of truth together

How I wish we could sing together

I have so many pretenses you must hate every one

How I wish I could present myself to you simply as a me that wants nothing

But, love, I am human

I am made up of wants

Isn’t that living though?

How I wish I wish I could wish a wish that sticks

This morning I had a message from

Josh Ramsay

How the internet likes to trick me I knew already it was fake but just for a moment

I’m probably something awful for loving him and having that moment

Desperately loving an idea

This shape I’ve created that could be human if it would just speak

Speak damn you speak

No I shouldn’t damn the shape of you I’ve idea’d

It’s all I have really

All I have to direct this love that goes no where

Sometimes I feel guilty but it really isn’t as though I’m harming anyone

Putting love into a hole on the web

Here I can say I love you I love you I love you

Put it somewhere other than my head

It’s nice to put it down

Otherwise I’d feel very alone

Men just scare me

If you’re a man I’m probably afraid of you

That’s my one thing

I am (non boastingly so) incredibly unbiased

Usually when it comes to things people can’t control

But men

Men are unpredictable and volitile

I’ve watched a man go from completely calm to trying to murder me within the span of three minutes

I’ve had men threaten to murder me but not act on it

I try so hard not to judge but I’m so viscerally afraid

Slamming cupboard doors next to my head so loud my ears rang

Women have not wreaked the havoc on me that men have

Women are more subtle

A different psychological warfare

But I can choose to not take part in that

I can’t choose to not take part in a man exploding and murdering me

People are scary

Every interaction I’m filled with this slight dread

God I wish they weren’t so scary

Why can’t they all be as harmless as me?

As ineffectual and unimportant as me

Missing you has always felt forbidden

I can practically hear you

You don’t even know me

And you’re right because my one chance to meet you you gave up

You were probably sick

It’s okay I give up sometimes too

I wish I could move the Earth to show you

What missing you feels like

Loving you sometimes feels forbidden but I damn it and continue

After all loving you is one of my truest emotions

Something that made me kinder

Started out so angry

Like an abused wild animal

Somehow I got here without you

Somehow

I’m missing you today

I really want to meet you someday

Sometimes I wonder if the silence is better

Not knowing which of the imperfections are real

Maybe it’s better

Try telling that to my poor heart

Beating on for you like a war drum refusing to quit

I wonder what it would be like to hear your voice for me

Are your hands as big as I think they are?

Compared to mine?

I have so many questions

So few answers

What would it be like to have some?

Some answers

It’s so hot out

Would the answers be refreshing?

Just more questions

At least I know I love you

Mother’s day must be difficult for those without

Without child or mother

Here’s to all the mothers who loved their babies with every breath, but are no longer with us

To every mother without a child to hold

To every son, daughter, child missing their mother today

To all the memories, sweet and sour

All of those little moments lost to our memories in-between

Mothers are so important.

If I might just make a nod to our mothers Earth and Moon

All the memories, had or unhad

Every memory even those just imagined

Here’s to your mum

She did good.