Elucidating Questions

I just want to talk to you

Just once for a while

Explain where I was and where I could have been

Speak until something that resembles sense comes out

I imagine it’s so easy

But I don’t think it would be

Speaking to you

I would get so stuck

This bus smells strongly of bananas

I can’t not think about bananas

It’s like I catch your scent every once in a while

And then suddenly I can’t stop thinking about you

Bananas used to be disgusting and then humans made them delicious

I’m not sure what that relates to but wouldn’t it be nice if it was that easy

I imagine us always mid conversation

Not the beginning or the end

I couldn’t imagine us meeting

Never meeting

It’s too complicated, too many unanswered questions

You hate pretense and I hate unanswered questions

I wonder what it would be to know you

If you would ever want to

Someday I hope to be in the same room as you again

Wouldn’t that be neat

To see your face for real again

I wish we could just talk once

I just want to know if we can

What I really want is for someone to come with me and answer the questions of existence

Like why and how and where

When is inconsequential

At least I assume

Unless there was some great beam of life that came over the solar system

There are sirens wailing in the distance so I think of the end and what it could be

Once knocking on death’s door I am now afraid

I was once so content with the end I didn’t imagine what could lie beyond it

Now that I think of it it causes this visceral reaction like anxiety incarnate grips me

Maybe it’s being in survival mode all the time

But my mind reminds me often of the end

I wasn’t expecting this difference to be so wide but I can no longer understand myself

So prepared for it to be over I didn’t think of what came next

What a strange difference.

But I want those answers

What is life?

Does it only come to the most narcissistic of stars?

So desperate to be seen they create their own lookers

Perhaps the most loving?

What does it mean to be alive?

I need these answers and it seems like all other humans avoid the thought at all cost by explaining it away with fairy tales

Or they believe we simply cease to exist

I pray for anything other than nothing please

I’ll figure out the rest as I go I guess

He could be the one

He could be the one

Statistically unlikely but it’s cute

It’s a good thing you can have more than one soul mate

Fairly certain my “one” is an alien

Star-person

Something not a terrible word

Couldn’t quite be here because that would be too good for me

I don’t know what I did in that past life but I’m sure paying for it now

It’s so difficult to live completely alone

When I can’t go out

I should say sans humans because I’m not completely alone but there’s a certain level of cerebrality I’m looking for here

It’s funny he used to sing about being unknown while being famous and I

I actually am unknown

I’m not the person you notice

No matter how loudly I’m dressed

I wonder which reality I’m in

The tv show or the real one?

There’s probably a novel too

I wonder if we ever meet someone that wants us?

There have been many of these strange storms recently

Clouds and winds but no rain

Bizarre half baked ideas

Like a cake without flour

And way too much frosting to try to cover it up

I’m sitting here wondering why I’m aching like it’s pouring

When it’s just wind and clouds

How dare you make me feel this way without feeding the plants?

Weather you have some gall.

It’s not a fair trade off unless you hold up your end of the bargain and feed and water the various critters.

God this flip flopping weather is beating me up

As we near the solstice and I don’t want the light to go

But the rain

Wishing for rain

They don’t know you like I do

When I see or hear it I feel empty

No one in my life could say such a thing

I feel so separate from who I am

The outside a sanitized version of the me I actually am

No one knows me like I do

That’s probably something everyone feels

I feel very maintained

All the time a mask affixed

Be it neurodivergency, chronic illness, anxiety

Something is being hidden from view

I am a well orchestrated play

My own puppeteer and marionette

A castle of glass as they would say

I wonder what I would do if someone came into my life

And could see me

As much as I keep my written life to myself

It would be nice to be seen as myself

But I don’t think there’s anyone on this planet like that

Haven’t met anyone that gave me a run for my money or knew me like the back of their hand or any other such sayings

I wonder what it would feel like to be known

I wish I could give this away

Give it to someone who deserves to experience the world through a filter of pain

This weight

Whatever it is that is torturing my spine

Just pass it off

It’s yours now.

I dare not wish it just go away

It’s like another living thing has control of my body

Causing pain, stiffness, confusion, exhaustion

I just wish I had control of my body again

Back when I could work eight hours and then stay up another eight.

Sometimes I feel so awful that for a moment I believe I’m dying and am gripped with terror

That this could be all my life ever is

I wish I could give it to someone worse than me