Elucidating Questions

I wish I could give this away

Give it to someone who deserves to experience the world through a filter of pain

This weight

Whatever it is that is torturing my spine

Just pass it off

It’s yours now.

I dare not wish it just go away

It’s like another living thing has control of my body

Causing pain, stiffness, confusion, exhaustion

I just wish I had control of my body again

Back when I could work eight hours and then stay up another eight.

Sometimes I feel so awful that for a moment I believe I’m dying and am gripped with terror

That this could be all my life ever is

I wish I could give it to someone worse than me

Sometimes I feel like a god

The god of pain

Like pain lives within me

Like it’s all I embody

Cursed, put on this world to barely tread water

Get lost in society’s illusions of paradise

Disillusioned and disenchanted, lost in the realization

That I’m here as pain allows, or I can’t engage with the world

Someone told me to turn it off

I wish I could turn off my heart thundering in my chest just from standing

Dizzy from the roar

Am I truly here just to hurt?

A younger, more hopeful, me dreamt so strongly of a better world for us that they went crazy

And in my bewilderment of the world I am barely holding on to the thin line of sanity I possess

I knew second hand that living with disability was crippling in every aspect

But living it is another thing

Truly a god of pain and nothing else

With that little bit of chaos sprinkled in

I wish I knew why I have to live like this

What I did wrong to deserve this pain

Why I have no energy

Why my heart races

Why, even though I barely eat, I’m over 200 pounds

So many things wrong with me and I can’t even make it better by exercising because if I do I crash

And no one takes that seriously

The crash

Oh what to do this helpless god of pain

Such endless suffering

I don’t know who did this

It smells of witchiness.

Some ancient magic I do not know

That the skies opened up and smiled upon my little strip of land

May the days be blessed of whomever conjured up this rain

Beautiful rain, the last rain of spring

Blessed be the drops that fall and soak the parched Earth

I wish I could do something tangible to express to you, the skies,

How grateful I am despite the pain

Thank the skies it’s raining

But why does it have to hurt so much?

It’s just a little rain and my body has turned to stone

My joints so stiff, my spine curved forward with pain from my hips

Agony

But I am still so grateful for the rain

It burns so very bad

The rain

I cannot even sit and watch it as I used to,

It hurts too much

I used to dance in the rain

Stand in a downpour and savour every moment

But it’s behind me now

Now I can barely move because the moist has seeped into my bones

But bless this day

Possibly the last in a while

Possibly the last for the summer

Please just be enough for some animals to drink as well as the plants

I’d go through any amount of pain for the Earth to drink her fill.

I know you’re fine

I think I know you’re fine

I wish I knew you were fine

Could you just tweet out

I’m fine

Every four days or so?

Please?

It’s just the worry in my head gets to me when I notice the absence of someone

Congratulations you’re one of the few people whose absence I notice

It’d be nice if there was an are you fine button

Are you still alive?

Yes?

Good that’s all I wanted to know.

But, no.

Am I to assume silence means you’re having a great time or a bad one?

Not that there’s anything I could do if you were having a bad one

Curse these rich people for demanding our adoration and then not telling us they’re fine

Are you fine?

What do I do?

Do with this worry

Chester this is your fault