Elucidating Questions

It’s that I’m thirsty, but can’t afford to drink

It’s when I’m hungry, but don’t have any food and can’t afford to get more

It’s being stuck in pain and depression and being unable to fix that for myself

It’s like the only thing I can afford is shelter

If I never move,

Ever again

Somehow

Living in nothing

And I spend what I don’t have because for just a second

I pretend I can afford coffee

I pretend I can afford to play video games

And it’s not fair because I hate it

Hate money

I don’t want it but I need it to participate in this disgusting game in order to

Live?

Oh being disabled isn’t expensive except the $80 I spend to have a kind of functional heart a month

Eat?

Enjoy anything?

I wish I could exist without currency

In a place where needs are met

In a place where we take care of what we have around us

Our Mother

My Dear Sun

I’m sorry that place is somewhere you may not see

I pray it will be

Maybe it’s just somewhere I won’t see

Everyone acts like they’re struggling as much as I am

But they’re all sitting around expecting the government that created this in the first place to fix it

Oh but maybe, just maybe, if we put an alt right con in power he’ll do something!

Because conservatives have such a good track record for not being paid off by the people who are benefiting from this mess

Frankly I’m terrified but resigned

Nothing I can do about the clay dolls

Imagine someone as broken as me being able to do anything

Imagine me having a persona and being

Being something

If I could just stop all of this

Really they’re just animals

Being animals

Wouldn’t it be spectacular if they could shed the animal?

And stop this themselves

A far too forward Japanese man

Told me I was pretty and beautiful

That men must be chasing me

I played the part and denied it as if I was embarrassed

Be brave and alone

This existence underneath the mask

That immediately thought how cruel it was for someone to say that to me when the only one who ever pursued me tried to kill me

32 almost 33

And nothing

I’m a fucking ghost

Be brave and alone

That’s what is repeated by the silence around me

Maybe I had too many friends in my past life

Maybe I was awful

I wish I had the strength to accept this life sentence of solitary

Where I’m never a person

Only an employee or a customer or a tenant

Maybe I deserve not to be a person too

Do you ever encounter…

Beings

Eh

One of these moving clay dolls

And they tell you to change something about your communication that completely annihilates your ability to understand and categorise…

Yourself

And whatever the hell occupies this poor rock

And the beings who are actually worth interacting with

Like you want me to rethink my entire

My entire scheme of clay dolls

Apparently I’m not allowed to use the word human

Because its root word is “man”

Can’t use the Japanese word because it translates

Into human

Because what the fuck else would it translate to

Clay doll?

Fine

Bench

From now on you are all clay dolls

Do you have anything inside you?

Probably not

You’re just harassing other trans people on the internet

Clay doll it is Benchy McBench-Face

You get what you ask for.

This insidious loneliness

This constant being alone

I am exhausted by how lonely I am

Just waiting for some one to talk to me

Please

And the only socialisation I get is customers

Forking customers

They’ve gotten better and worse over the years

There are fewer escalations

But escalations are more intense

People are meaner

That’s what this society breeds

Anger and frustrations

Resentment

And that (me) minimum wage employee has to deal with you

Goodie

I wish we could screen customers

Just ban people who harass us

Put them on a tiny island somewhere

Something better than what it is right now

Or, they could pay me enough to deal with this constant shirt.

But that’s never going to happen.

And here I am, starving for interaction

I just wish the universe would send me a friend

I step out and Ravens bless my journey

And I feel like I belong here,

With the nature working around me as it does

But interaction with humans tells me I cannot belong here

Humans seem to ruin things joyfully

That seems to be their favourite thing to do

This place,

Where I was born, that I have known all my life

But I can’t claim belonging here because of arbitrary lines of humans

And slowly (less slowly now) pricing me out of even my home

Where am I being forced to go?

I wish I knew already

Today a woman came up with a massive pile of clothes and said,

This’ll make you earn your money

And laughed

And I wanted to smack the laugh off her fucking face

Instead I laughed because I’m dead inside and people like her contributed to it

Then a woman dropped her entire coin purse on the counter and demanded

Count it

Who the hell do these people think they are?

Like assuming I’m not doing enough to earn minimum fucking wage

Or that I’m their personal coin counter?

I’m going home early today because my body, if I was to actually listen to it,

Demands that I rest endlessly

It’s inhumane the way some people interact with customer service workers

Laughing for making me go through $300 in clothes

Frequently humans leave a bad taste in my mouth

I wish I could live well and not whatever this is