Elucidating Questions

I hope that when I die my piggies will be there

And they’ll gleefully introduce me to their moms

And all their siblings

Who they missed but could never tell me

I hope they introduce me to friends they’ve made since,

I hope the many, many, others from rescues that I’ve come to know are all up there together

Doing their things

I want it to be a place that puts bad people out of place

Sure, they can go, but they won’t enjoy it

They did their enjoying at the costs of others,

They’re done now

I always wonder if I’d be one of them

Wondered in desperation if this was in fact heaven and my not fitting is just proof of my wrong doing

But this place is certainly closer in relation to the Christian Hell.

And millions of people are fine with it because

It doesn’t matter! They’re going to heaven! Life doesn’t matter!

Even if this is just a blip on my existence

Why can’t it be a good blip?

I just want to see all my pets again

And a handful of people too

Venus made a showing this morning

And she was beautiful and brilliant as always

Good to know my day is blessed by someone

I’ll try to remember you amongst the crazed masses looking for a deal

And my big beautiful ball of fire put on a glorious sunrise

And though he has yet to show his magnificent face,

There’s not a cloud in the sky on this early Winter morning

I can feel her in my fingertips

See her on my breath

So maybe I have three beings on my side today

Well who knows maybe Mercury will do me a solid and actually be on my side today?

I just wish for things to go smoothly

I expect rudeness

And greed

And chaos

But if all of that can just occur as it’s supposed to and not get uppity that would be great

Also props to me for being up before 7am and I managed to do all the things

We got us here now we just have to survive

Really?

Really‽

I’m desperate and you’re playing on my desperation

I’ll talk to anyone

I cry

And you send me Mormons?

Yes I can hear the maniacal laughter from here

Ooh you had me for a moment with the

Hello

But it was fucking Mormons

Fucking child rapist apologists

I want just one fucking day without mention of that tyrannical god

No Jesus

No Bible

No Abrahamic god

None of it

But it’s fucking “Christmas”

Anyways I don’t think it’s funny

What was I supposed to do?

Make friends?

Accept that you are some great being?

Help me I’m drowning and need a lifeline

Here are some off brand Christians?

The Sun and the Moon came out for me

I appreciate that

They are far kinder gods than you will ever be and one of them literally burns me

I just wish you’d forgive me and let me make friends with something other than right wing nut jobs

So you made me this way

With your ways

Traumatised me and broke me

Isolated me and made my body fail

And now you want me to

Think clearly

And

Be patient

So I have no one to talk to because I’m one giant ball of trauma

That seems fair

And you say work through it and overcome it

But you’re just going to keep doing things to set me back to square one every time

Aren’t you?

So tell me,

What’s the point?

That I’m better than you?

Because I wouldn’t put people through the things you do

Universe

God

Whatever you are

And the whole point seems to be save yourself dammit

But if that’s it, and I’m destined to be alone forever?

Then you seem to be enjoying too much putting my soul through hell to be anything good

Because if you know everything then you know my soul craves interaction

And you’ve damned me to solitude

I hope I really do deserve it

You don’t fucking see the difference do you?

When I share it

No one

Reacts

When you do you get care reactions and loving compliments about how empathic you are

While you’re simultaneously putting your children through hell

Fuck

When I say I’m lonely and want to die

No one says anything

But here’s all these people who have people fawning all over them

They fucking go on about how hard their life is

Why should I have to feel bad for people who have more than me complaining about having nothing?

Your friends buy you tattoos but your life is so hard

I have one friend that helps me afford food

I’m sick of this

Surrounded by people better off than I am complaining about how hard it is

But when I do it I’m talking about it too much and people leave

I’m so sick of empathy being demanded of me

All these people who don’t know how good they’ve got it

I know I have it good in comparison to many

I don’t expect them to feel sorry for me

I’m so sick of people

It’s that I’m thirsty, but can’t afford to drink

It’s when I’m hungry, but don’t have any food and can’t afford to get more

It’s being stuck in pain and depression and being unable to fix that for myself

It’s like the only thing I can afford is shelter

If I never move,

Ever again

Somehow

Living in nothing

And I spend what I don’t have because for just a second

I pretend I can afford coffee

I pretend I can afford to play video games

And it’s not fair because I hate it

Hate money

I don’t want it but I need it to participate in this disgusting game in order to

Live?

Oh being disabled isn’t expensive except the $80 I spend to have a kind of functional heart a month

Eat?

Enjoy anything?

I wish I could exist without currency

In a place where needs are met

In a place where we take care of what we have around us

Our Mother

My Dear Sun

I’m sorry that place is somewhere you may not see

I pray it will be

Maybe it’s just somewhere I won’t see

Everyone acts like they’re struggling as much as I am

But they’re all sitting around expecting the government that created this in the first place to fix it

Oh but maybe, just maybe, if we put an alt right con in power he’ll do something!

Because conservatives have such a good track record for not being paid off by the people who are benefiting from this mess

Frankly I’m terrified but resigned

Nothing I can do about the clay dolls

Imagine someone as broken as me being able to do anything

Imagine me having a persona and being

Being something

If I could just stop all of this

Really they’re just animals

Being animals

Wouldn’t it be spectacular if they could shed the animal?

And stop this themselves