Elucidating Questions

I wonder if the universe is really lonely

I say I want communication and it sends me one off events that elevate me temporarily and then I remember how alone I am

But I wonder if the universe is really just one universe alone?

Maybe it’s like that whale who can’t talk to other whales?

Maybe my crying in a literal world of humans about how lonely I am seems trivial

Solar results

And in this world of solar results I can’t seem to find a result that gets me

Even though I am a result of the sun myself

I often feel like a petulant child crying

More

But surely I am not selfish for wanting contact with other solar results

I am one, don’t they all want that?

No, some don’t

So maybe I should just accept it?

I don’t know

I feel overlooked

Like I’ve been picked last for humanity

Er solar result-ity

Ugh you all make it very difficult to communicate

Can’t even use the word for the collection of solar results that walk upright

Difficult creatures

Why do I even want to connect with them?

I hope that when I die my piggies will be there

And they’ll gleefully introduce me to their moms

And all their siblings

Who they missed but could never tell me

I hope they introduce me to friends they’ve made since,

I hope the many, many, others from rescues that I’ve come to know are all up there together

Doing their things

I want it to be a place that puts bad people out of place

Sure, they can go, but they won’t enjoy it

They did their enjoying at the costs of others,

They’re done now

I always wonder if I’d be one of them

Wondered in desperation if this was in fact heaven and my not fitting is just proof of my wrong doing

But this place is certainly closer in relation to the Christian Hell.

And millions of people are fine with it because

It doesn’t matter! They’re going to heaven! Life doesn’t matter!

Even if this is just a blip on my existence

Why can’t it be a good blip?

I just want to see all my pets again

And a handful of people too

Venus made a showing this morning

And she was beautiful and brilliant as always

Good to know my day is blessed by someone

I’ll try to remember you amongst the crazed masses looking for a deal

And my big beautiful ball of fire put on a glorious sunrise

And though he has yet to show his magnificent face,

There’s not a cloud in the sky on this early Winter morning

I can feel her in my fingertips

See her on my breath

So maybe I have three beings on my side today

Well who knows maybe Mercury will do me a solid and actually be on my side today?

I just wish for things to go smoothly

I expect rudeness

And greed

And chaos

But if all of that can just occur as it’s supposed to and not get uppity that would be great

Also props to me for being up before 7am and I managed to do all the things

We got us here now we just have to survive

Really?

Really‽

I’m desperate and you’re playing on my desperation

I’ll talk to anyone

I cry

And you send me Mormons?

Yes I can hear the maniacal laughter from here

Ooh you had me for a moment with the

Hello

But it was fucking Mormons

Fucking child rapist apologists

I want just one fucking day without mention of that tyrannical god

No Jesus

No Bible

No Abrahamic god

None of it

But it’s fucking “Christmas”

Anyways I don’t think it’s funny

What was I supposed to do?

Make friends?

Accept that you are some great being?

Help me I’m drowning and need a lifeline

Here are some off brand Christians?

The Sun and the Moon came out for me

I appreciate that

They are far kinder gods than you will ever be and one of them literally burns me

I just wish you’d forgive me and let me make friends with something other than right wing nut jobs

So you made me this way

With your ways

Traumatised me and broke me

Isolated me and made my body fail

And now you want me to

Think clearly

And

Be patient

So I have no one to talk to because I’m one giant ball of trauma

That seems fair

And you say work through it and overcome it

But you’re just going to keep doing things to set me back to square one every time

Aren’t you?

So tell me,

What’s the point?

That I’m better than you?

Because I wouldn’t put people through the things you do

Universe

God

Whatever you are

And the whole point seems to be save yourself dammit

But if that’s it, and I’m destined to be alone forever?

Then you seem to be enjoying too much putting my soul through hell to be anything good

Because if you know everything then you know my soul craves interaction

And you’ve damned me to solitude

I hope I really do deserve it

You don’t fucking see the difference do you?

When I share it

No one

Reacts

When you do you get care reactions and loving compliments about how empathic you are

While you’re simultaneously putting your children through hell

Fuck

When I say I’m lonely and want to die

No one says anything

But here’s all these people who have people fawning all over them

They fucking go on about how hard their life is

Why should I have to feel bad for people who have more than me complaining about having nothing?

Your friends buy you tattoos but your life is so hard

I have one friend that helps me afford food

I’m sick of this

Surrounded by people better off than I am complaining about how hard it is

But when I do it I’m talking about it too much and people leave

I’m so sick of empathy being demanded of me

All these people who don’t know how good they’ve got it

I know I have it good in comparison to many

I don’t expect them to feel sorry for me

I’m so sick of people