Elucidating Questions

Somehow I have to get by

But I don’t know why

We struggle and struggle for barely a life

While others enjoy the world

Why do it?

Yet they insist I continue on

On less every year?

On less every year.

As the rates hold steady but the prices climb higher

And half of my pay cheque goes to pay for medication I falsely believed should be covered

Because I need it

But the powers that be don’t think so

And I’m just supposed to, what?

Endure?

Oh, yeah, it gets worse and worse and worse,

But just keep going?

This all feels like some sick joke at my expense

And then you show me people who have it worse and I don’t know anymore

Because people are existing through hells different than me,

But it’s still hell

If this is hell, what am I doing here?

How can I atone for sins I do not remember?

There’s a spider living in my sink

She’s better at living than that other spider in my other sink

We have an agreement, she leaves me enough space to do dishes and I leave her alone to live in my sink

I just can’t take her out of the only home she’s ever known

I didn’t know she was a she until she made an egg sac

I watched it and wondered if I should do something about it but I couldn’t bring myself to break her hard work

She built it safe, up on the counter between the wall and a cup

Tiny babies came out

I guess they live in my house now too

Keeping in mind I can only fight people on the internet

I really am an ineffectual nothing

But the least I can do is provide housing to other creatures

I can’t bring myself to harm another

If I was a wild thing I would probably die

Anyhow I exist

It’s a bag of shit

Inheriting my father’s paranoia

All these little voices

They’re going to kill you

There’s someone coming to get you

You’re in a Truman Show

So many things, constantly

And it’s a wonder I’ve only listened to the little voices a few times

Their persistence

Invasive thoughts

More like I’m an invasive thought and they’re the real me

I swear I feel that way sometimes

This me I’m constantly fighting

Is it Shadow me?

Shadow boxing a shadow

They’re not me

But they came from me

This disconnect of self and mind

If you ever wonder why I’m crazy, please

Step into my mind of horrors

It’s hard to see society just continuing

How many people went hungry along with me last night?

Surely more than there are rich families and the government

Surely they’re not okay with this?

Surely this is enough to spark something?

Or are we all so held up over policing people’s labels that we can’t come together and stop this insanity?

I’m insane, and I’m calling this insane

You’re all working so hard for a tomorrow that’s better that doesn’t exist

It doesn’t

They don’t want you in their club they want your labour and nothing else

You think you can do both?

It’s a game of luck, not skills

It’s luck with money behind it that succeeds in this world

Are people really willing to live in hell for the idea of heaven?

Like hungry complacent ape pets

Chimpanzees would have torn their leader to shreds by now

What a failure of a species we are

It’s so fucking difficult

I could say oh I hate Christians or bigots or “alt-right” people

But I just hate everyone

Not everyone

Most human beings are insufferable

Including the one that told me I can’t say humans

Wtf are you people on?

Telling me to have thicker skin when simultaneously asking me to make concessions for everything

And then I’m lonely

And I really wonder if I’m not lonely for someone that doesn’t exist

That none of the people I imagine exist

Someone who cares about me

Wants to help me

I don’t think the people I imagine exist

Lonely for people that don’t exist

Trapped in a tiny bubble of billions of insufferable humans

The Earth deserves better than us

It’s come to my attention via a Jewish person that it is harmful to say Happy Holidays

And even though this is the one time a year any of my holidays is even given peripheral acknowledgement

I now have to stop because a minority which is bigger than me

Higher up on the importance ladder you see

Has told me to stop

You can call me what you like

But I’m sick of other religions telling me what to fucking do

Really any of these categories we stick ourselves in

Everyone thinks they’re the forking spokesperson of the group

And I have to live my life and do things their way

Like fuck that I have lived my life constantly trying to be someone for someone else

I’m done

No one ever considers that they’re harming me?

Why do I have to be on fucking standby at all times like

Walking on eggshells all day long

Just because I’m an individual that doesn’t fit anywhere

I don’t have anything in my corner

Just leave me the fuck alone