Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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“You’re a cow, happy holidays”
Cows are sweet and empathetic creatures
But I don’t understand why people immediately call people names
And I hate that people weaponise Christmas like I have to behave a certain way because their holiday is happening
Like, I get it, I don’t have popular opinions
We got that, this is not new news
And isn’t it hypocritical to call someone names and wish them happy holidays?
You just tried to hurt me
Like fuck you?
I’m so confused by humans
Sometimes I’m in archeologist mode and I’m like
Yes, curious
But… But so often I just want to think for a moment
I just want to say something about how I feel
But how I feel is not how others feel so it’s wrong
And I get it
I’m wrong
But it really doesn’t change how I feel to have
You’re wrong
Hammered into me every time I open my mouth
I’m wrong
As if I didn’t know that from the moment I had thought
No comments on -
It’s really never ending
No one knows why I open my mouth
I was forced to silence before
When my mind broke
Hadn’t made a noise in days
No one would believe the circumstances that brought my voice out again
I didn’t want to live what my mind thought was destiny
What a mind this is
Could probably write a few thousand books out of my experiences alone
I could never be as cruel as reality though
Just don’t speak
Your thoughts aren’t wanted
And in moments of self defense I am not me
How I can take responsibility for things he said?
I don’t know
I do but it’s difficult
Taking responsibility for a different person
I don’t try to take back words I said
But what to do about the feeling
The repercussions of words always meant to be kind
But my insides are so different than theirs
This transhumanity or parahumanity
Whatever it is I’m experiencing
Whatever it is I’m experiencing
This celestial trans para existence
Is it really okay?
Just to exist like this
All too much and not enough at the same time
Pumped full of problems no one wants to fix
What does it mean to want something from this world?
求める
I want one thing from this world
Peace
But they can’t figure that out when the entire world is focused on profit
I gave up wanting when I was told none of my wishes will come true
What even am I?
That one time the alien was actually a human not in disguise but in shape
And all them afraid of invaders from space
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Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.
A man
No, the man
From In The End to the end
You knew where my complicated feelings came from
The ones with no names
Fighting, crawling, battlefield of emotions
If only you’d known how much you meant
It never really heals, the hole you left
Your screams my heart’s cries
The wound does not heal
You were the one I hid behind when my father was too much
When I was numb Numb was released
He was the footsteps I could not follow and you were the reassurance that I wasn’t the only one
Falling behind
You were the light that kept telling me to go on
And then you were gone
And I was in chaos
I miss you more than words can describe
My lifeline without life
It’s cursed and twisted
That your absence has taught me to better care for my inner turmoil
That I fly to you for reassurance when you found none
You’re my constant reminder to keep going
Constant reminder to just go one more day
I often wish you’d just gone one more day
I fight and yell and curse you for being a reminder sometimes
Sometimes I just want it all to end
But then I think of you
Or your music comes on
How I miss your point of view being a part of my life
It’s unfair I couldn’t save you when you’ve saved me more times than I could count.
But I know if love could have saved you it would have
Sometimes even when there is reassurance, we still find none.
I just hope you’re at peace
I hope wherever you are you know the demons aren’t you
That they never were
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I’d rather be a riot than indifferent
A riot indeed
My entire existence
A riot
Laughable
There’s not enough kindness on this Earth to contain my unworthiness
Sweet beautiful something human
Your life is more full than I’ll ever experience
Yet you’ve graced the masses with your self
Never a man worthier of love and respect
And then there’s me
Like just a little
Pin in the side of life
What am I but a failed experience?
Truthfully I am no more worthy of finding home in your music than I am of living a good life
Quite unworthy
But I submit that my affection
Should make me at least below worthy
If not completely unworthy
Someday I’d like to meet you
But what does something like me say to great humans?
Unavailable for comment
Ever
Call me never
They never started right
Tripped out the gate
Oops sorry that’s another song
Tell me how are you going to get down from there?
I don’t know the way to you
Or your heart
To your mind
I used to think there were magic words and try to say anything
But saying anything just led to one more pretence
How do you follow utter failure?
With a continual slow decline further into poverty
Is it true love?
Just another mistake I made
Love you like I love the sun
But there was always another one
It’s not like I want your happily ever after to end
I could just use a friend
Someone
No one sees me
I don’t want to survive
I wanted to thrive
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If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it
Who is they today I wonder?
Some random soul on the internet
You gave me this life filled to the brim with trauma and illness
And then have people question why I’m so fragile
You bemuse me
Is it a simulation?
Is it all a show at my expense?
The happy things feel contrite
And the sadness overwhelms
If you say you don’t want me to be unhappy
Then why does every day go thusly so?
Trapped inside this box that is my home
Unable to fix the problems, just swimming in it
Why did you have to make me so ineffectual and powerless?
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It’s four days later
It doesn’t stop
I can’t even process the death of someone I cared about because I’m busy being emotionally tortured by the horde
And everyone says just ignore it,
Just delete it,
Just this or that
But I said it and I have to own up to it
And I have to face the consequences of speaking out loud
This is a just punishment
It must be, or it wouldn’t be happening
But it only applies to me
Or something
I didn’t realise it was rejection dysphoria until I read that it existed
I wish I knew where it comes from
It feels like I’ve been this way forever
That everyone else’s opinion of me matters more than my own
Not that my opinion of me is any better
Just suffer
Just suffer
It’s apparently all life is good for
Elucidating Questions 