Elucidating Questions

Sometimes the universe sends me things

Well, Facebook does, but they feel related

There is no old you to get back to, only the new you to nurture and create

I know I was a way

I was a lot of ways

How the desperate be people

And that was not the way to be

It’s very difficult to think of others when the ringing in your ears say it’s an emergency all the time

Difficult but I’ve gotten better at it

It’s just that I have nothing to show for it

I don’t know how far I’ve come

But I know that I’m not going back and two steps forward one step back is one step closer

Is it not?

And it’s never just me that makes choices to do the wrong thing

Not in a shifting the blame way, in a mutual

We both done fucked up once kind of way

As we do

Because if I’m as human as everyone then we’re all just broken fools

Can’t faults be shared?

People are always so quick to say you need therapy

Never considering that the damage that has been done is beyond what their expectations of therapy are?

Talk to someone, get better

It’s more like talk to someone, cope. Because they are the only person who is on my side

The only person I speak to that doesn’t want something from me

It’s just a moment in a month where I can express my everything

And I could ask for more, but I don’t know what more would be done

It’s still the same lonely world I don’t gel with

Some people are amazing people

But regular people don’t put up with me

I just don’t know what it is that makes me so weirdly special

Surely there are others out here who don’t belong but they’re all for different reasons

I wish I knew the reasons

Past me makes mistakes that present me accepts but there’s no one there to move forward with

And by accept I mean take blame for, not sweep under the rug

The road to hell has paved by good intentions makes sense for this one

Well intentioned idiot they may be

Mistakes were made

A la me

And the universe has certainly beaten the heck out of me

There’s no returning to the former shape I was

All I can do is try to maintain this being of static I have become

People often think the universe is like the big god type thing

But something put the universe here

And thinking that big gives me a headache because if that’s the case there’s some infinity number of things that must have put things

But!

Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m yelling at the universe or the thing that put the universe here

Untold things the universe does or doesn’t do

But probably I feel a bit sad for the universe

Just expanding

And then probably collapsing but they haven’t got to that yet

All this stuff going on inside it

And yet it’s greatly empty

And so massive it’s both the biggest thing I have and haven’t seen.

It’s hard to really think about how massive the thing that contains the universe must be

It’s the same as trying to imagine the size of an atom

It really confounds me

What this all could be for

I do wish I had a map

How big do I need to be to understand all of this?

Ah, yes, Christmas ruined by tone of voice

Okay it’s not ruined

And no one ever hears the way she talks to me

And I don’t know why her opinion matters

There’s still a little me inside here somewhere that wanted to be the best big sibling there is

I haven’t written about her because I don’t feel like I’m allowed to claim she’s done wrong because I’ve done wrong by her myself.

Being told to calm down like getting irked over people (person, it’s one little sister it’s you) trying to find fault with everything you’re saying is some over the top reaction

No the over the top reaction was me going out and crying by myself while I smoked because I don’t have the fucking energy for this

And no one ever hears it

The tone she uses just for me

You’d think I’m imagining it

You’d think anyways

That’s why no one ever believed me when I said she was being mean

Or I was the older sibling so I had to learn to deal with it

I have, for the most part

But I didn’t have the energy for that shit today

So Christmas with my family was cut short

I felt her creeping in last night

Haven’t felt her for weeks

It’s December dear

I remind her

There are buds on trees

She’s on the roof and the grass this morning

She’s in my fingers

A welcome change when change is needed

Buds on the darkest day?

Come on

And I’m worried about the arctic

And that the weather has been entirely from the ocean and not from North

But she was in the air this evening still, hours later when I remembered I hadn’t finished writing this

My ancestors didn’t know,

But even Winter is a gift

The very passing of the seasons,

The hallmarks of those seasons

They are signs that the Earth she is well,

Which would mean all is well with us

If only we’d grown with her instead of against her

She’s sick now,

It’s clear,

Something is wrong and the absence of winter tells us this

But no one’s listening

I want to go to bed

Because I’m tired of socialising negatively

But I don’t want to go to bed because someone is currently socialising with me negatively

And I’m so fucking lonely

And it’s so fucking twisted

Like thank god someone is making me feel like shit because I needed to talk to someone?

It’s fucked

I’m so sick of humans can we please save the good ones and throw the rest back into the sun to bake for a bit longer?

Myself included almost certainly

People seem to think I think I’m something good

Unlikely

Unlikely in this life where I have so much time to think to myself that I remember I’m going to die several times a day and my mind says

And this will be that last day you ever see

This was it

Your life

And it’s over now

And it’s fucked

My last day on Earth is going to look very like this day I’m sure

I’m going to be alone and starving for someone to talk to forever