Elucidating Questions

The last Good Night

It’s over

Something must feed on my heartbreak

Such a curious thing

Like the heart is actually broken

It hurts

I will probably never escape this house again

If I do I won’t have one at all

I don’t know how I’m going to share a livingroom with someone doing Bible studies

I begged for years for Christianity to disappear from my life and now I’m housemates with a fundamentalist Christian

Weird sudo liberal

Something

I’m too radical for this

I just wanted a home

That’s all

It hurts that that was too much to hope for

It hurts that I wasn’t deemed worthy this time

And I really just want to fuck all your plans for me up

This disgusting molding process

With each strike I’m less human

Why do you demand so much from me that you had the world beat out?

You let me “free”

Taught me what happens when you stand up to other people

So that I’d never do it again

And now you’re locking me up with the original nightmare

Did you think I would be overflowing with gratitude that I’m going back to living in the same tiny room I’d imagine killing myself in?

Thank you

Fuck you

On the top bunk listening to Nobody’s Home and crying

She wants to go home but nobody’s home

All very incorrect

Because there were more people home than fit in the house

And I wanted to be in the home I could never remember

I’m grateful I got to know what a home is

I went many years without that awful feeling

No matter how hard it was I was home

That ends tomorrow

It’s not any less cruel to teach me what home felt like and then take it away from me

No, this

This is another one of those turning points

You don’t know the meaning of End of an Era

It’s another drop

Every few years I drop down a few more rungs

And the worst part is the only one who could save me is me, if I wasn’t disabled

No one else is going to make my life better

But the only option I have to improve my life now is to end the torture

The universe is practically begging me to do it

I wish I could awaken to horrifying powers and just make everyone give me what I want

Discard the part of me that is so damn worried about other people

Just take from them like they’ve taken from me

Remove that part of me that wonders if the person I’m choosing to unleash my wrath on is “one of the good ones”

I want to be bad like everyone else is, apparently without torturing themselves over it

We’re not friends

Friends don’t make friends move into their nightmare house

The house from my nightmares

I never found another home

If I can figure out how to get past this cowardice

I’m going to make my life better

And then no one will have to think about me ever again

Just like Mel ceased to exist

It should have been me

I don’t handle rejection well

I’m tired of people deleting me from their lives with no explanation

Did I miss something?

Sometimes it feels like the only reason there are other humans is to hurt me

They don’t do much else

Frankly useless in terms of what I need

I’m too much

Is there no one that can handle me?

Unfit for human consumption

That’s how it feels

I’m just what the world made me into

Do I even have freewill?

I’m a response to the threat of other beings

And the hell they’ve allowed me and others like me to go through

There’s not really anything worth trying to fight for either

At this point

Nothing is in any way what I imagined my life would be

There are no people

So the inevitability of them leaving after they lie and say we’re friends

Fucking as if

Just hurts more

There’s no “well at least I have so and so”

There is no so and so

And it feels like there never will be again

I’m merely a burden to everyone around me and they have made that clear

I think it’s disgusting that people think that just because they suffer in silence that everyone else should to

Everyone else puts up with the shittyness of life so you should too

No?

You fucking daft ass special monkeys?

It’s because of you and your ilk that life never gets better

It’s because of generations of putting up with shit and just living miserable lives

I’m still mad at that one person

Shouldn’t have nicknamed her Feather

She was more like a rabid badger

Droves of people who expect silence

And “I’m fine”

Everyday

Always

Don’t you dare struggle

People who expect me to have gone through everything in my life and come out normal

Because everyone else is just so much damn better at this game of life they’ve created

Definitely not just so fucking anxious to hold on to their fakeness in the whole situation about actually having everything figured out

For the ‘gram

It’s like they think if they associate with someone who doesn’t have their shit entirely together it’ll catch or something

I’d invite any of you to come live my life

I wonder how many people would be dead within the first year of silence?

Within the first year of their brain sabotaging everything constantly

I wonder if they’d enjoy the juxtaposition of both being fat and so hungry you can’t think?

Days rolling on by

Nothing ever changing except for the worse

I’d really like to see them suffer

Because there’s an evil, angry, part of me who has seen all these people abandon me along their way

Knowing that I am disposable

I want to inflict this pain on anyone who inflicted it on me

It’s not nice to know you’re disposable

There should be more mercy in me

I shouldn’t want to punish people

But no one should feel like they are trash

No one with a heart

It makes you want to lash out

And right now as life is whipping me

It’s just fucking endless

And no one is coming to rescue me

No

To my aid?

I need aid

I don’t want to be rescued

I have no one to talk to

And when I think I finally have someone

They always throw me away

I hate this world sometimes, but I don’t hate the Earth

She is worth so much more than we are doing to her

Priceless gem in space

Currently the Wind is having a party

Wreaking havoc

I see all these severe storms that are happening

I wonder if I’ve entered some kind of void where the Wind is just a trickster

Well it’s not like we haven’t had severe storms just

No people dying

It’s sad that people have to die for people to realise the Earth is in crisis mode

Population control

It’s unfortunately indiscriminate between who ends up being lost

It’s not like a tornado is going to purposely go around an environmentalist’s house

Supposedly innocent people have lost and will lose their lives

And it’s not that she doesn’t know that

I know that

How else does a great beast fight back without overwhelming the attackers?

And they’re all mixed in with everyone else

Weather may be miraculous but everything has rules

It’s wild

I’m being pelted with rain

And possibly hail

Wildness can be a rule

It’s a rule that even humans can’t escape

With all their attempts to “be civilized” they only create more inhumanity

What’s a planet to do?

And, sure, maybe the planet does just naturally get warmer and then colder again

But not at this rate

She’ll put every living thing through hell to ensure that there are still living things

A thousand futures ahead

There will always be that pesky mouse that just wouldn’t die

I wonder why they don’t hear desperation in the Wind

The way the rain falls with urgency

Seldom a lazy rainy day anymore

The weather is always rushing to the next thing just as if it has absorbed our inability to sit still in this world

I don’t want people to die

I mean, I don’t want to die, so I assume they don’t want to either

I wish we’d go back to trying to appease nature instead of trying to conquer her

No matter how pointless that is

Seeing as how millions are dying in some mass “well it’s only a couple” sacrifice

Maybe sacrificing an actual couple instead was the right way to go

When I hear you howling I think of everything that humanity has done recently to earn your rage

And I want to fix it

And I know that I can’t do that

I can only accept that your screams will get louder

Dear Earth

You could strike me with lightning and I’d still be forever your faithful servant

I wish that in Death I could walk with you

All your voices

Beautiful and wild

This planet is my only home

Yet I wish I could find home here

Because the humans have transformed her into something

Something that needs to be destroyed

The Wind and the Sun

Are out and grabbing my attention from eachother

Reminding me they’ll be here no matter where I go

Because it feels like it ends

I need some help

I’m always together with you

And it can only be from them

Because timing and context

And the way they speak through everything around

Like their voices are so great they have to split them up into this and that

I’m not alone

Because in this strange space where there are no people

A billion other things live

And trillions of great, eyeless, beings, staring out

The Wind that blows, alive

Destroying things excessively at the moment

It’s self defense

It’s unfortunate

It’s nature’s last possible stand against a parasite

You say there’s nowhere to run

In a comforting way?

Brilliant creatures

Constantly using the wrong words to convey feelings

No they’re not wrong they’re right they just don’t follow

Rules

Constant confusion

And the clouds that draw across the sky

Short lived

While their insides are infinite

I suppose that’s true of most living things

I am of an explosion so many billions of years before me

Maybe that’s why I see myself in the stars

Alike

The games these beings play around me

Can’t touch it

Can nudge

I will still have the Sun and the Wind

Maybe I won’t miss the scent of the seaweed so much anymore

I won’t be able to see the stars though

Change is so hard

Wounds and pain, just as that, walk forward

Go out

I guess

Do you tell me this because I should be hurt?

What was it earlier?

“We are stronger than we think”

It sometimes feels cruel

The way you believe in me

Because I don’t believe in me

It’s almost like

How dare you believe in me?

That I’m so strong

What if I want to be weak?

At the same time

Sometimes it’s just the repeating signs that believe in me

Always there

There’s nowhere to run

Silent

Beautiful

Allies

The last time I was in that house

The Cat was a visitor

Just a part of me the didn’t feel like a part

The only part of me that will tell people when I’m a danger to myself

And it’s a crisis because he wants to keep me alive

With every fibre of his being

But my mind how it tortures us

I will cry alone for days

He will find a way to lash out in such a way that we get help

Even though it’s always in the wrong direction

I want help

In this world where I can’t find the softness

Where somehow we looked at the beauty all around and decided Hell was more inviting

How do I protect him from himself?

We’re going back into a place where I only remember pain

Sitting on the kitchen floor crying

Midnights where I just cried into the loneliness of the night

Friends who turned out to be the same as everyone else

Being told that everyone would get bored of me and leave

And then they did

And he’s supposed to be irrationally paranoid

Somehow that crumb of truth, which traumatised me, came out on top

What new horrors am I going to hear?

He doesn’t accept that I’m non-binary

In fact no one in my life, except I found out my younger brother, uses my pronouns

Or thinks of me as the gender I am

He thinks I’m “buying what they’re selling”

The whole point of the non part of the binary is that I’m not buying any of your shit

I’m doing my own shit

I don’t even follow so called “non-binary norms”

I’m literally just a being who is too complex to be labeled by roles other people made up

I am free of the obligation of what other people have decided of me

Hell the pattern of my favourite cardigan vest said medium weight and I said fuck that and made it in blanket yarn and it’s better

And that’s how I live

You tell me what you expect and I do what I want

It’s the chaotic part of whatever I’m aligned with at the moment

Be it good or neutral

How do I protect us from a complete unknown?

He can’t physically hurt me

But fuck I’m still hurting from shit he said 20 years ago

I’m a terrible kid

He was always practically giddy to bad mouth me to adults in front of me

When the concept of Japanese parents doing the same to their kids for some cultural reason came along I was already familiar with how it felt

Frankly I’m still trying to understand why he wants me to come back he was always talking about how excited he was for me to move out

I was such a problem

Before I and the Cat became a spinning coin

He was the voice who always combated the viciousness

Some quick comeback

Something I’d never say

My mind was my safe place

I don’t have the ally anymore

He’s on the other side of a wall

We pass messages in strong feelings and memories we both have access to in different views

He only comes out to fuck shit up and be tired but present when I’m not

Society told me he shouldn’t exist so I pretended he didn’t

And then he was me at the worst times

I wonder what broke in my brain

I wonder what went wrong to create this dance

But as fucked up as it is

We have to figure out how to readapt in this new form of us

It’s so weird being so aware of myself

It’s just always about keeping on

Just go, we’ll rest when we’re dead, just get through

And along the way all this shit tagged on

When I was having my psychotic episode I imagined this group of friends for me like any well known RPG has for the main character

Turns out my party is made up of various mental illnesses and disorders

And, just, allow me some of my insanity

I was stuck with these guys for decades

Is it such a surprise that I made friends with one of them?

Can we do this?

Can we walk back into the house like we walked into the backwards version of our other house and claim it?

They keep talking about our strength

But is it mine? Yours?

Is it halved between us?

Can we find it?

I’m looking for help

Because you raised the alarm

Can we go back and stay, in an awkward sense of the word, in one piece?

Just one of those

Chatting with the police who are there to make sure I don’t hurt myself days

There’s nothing quite like losing it all

To make you feel like the world is torturing you for having not been grateful enough

Again

And maybe I should have been more grateful not to have human friends

Because at least I had a home

You never realise you had it till it’s being taken from you, they say

But I knew all along and just lay in fear of this day coming

And I do want to die

But not in the sense that I want me to be over

I want this life that has wrung all it can from me only to come back harder to end

And I cry because I don’t want to die

Because I have fought so damn hard to be here

And who cares if it’s another miracle no one cares about?

That no one appreciates me

That I have no value

I kept going

Well I didn’t

You snort then

Fuck you

Didn’t come to get me did you?

So I’m still here

I wouldn’t be here if any previous some two dozen attempts had taken

Hell you snort but

It’s ink that kept my skin intact

A silent promise to you

Another cosmic timing

You knew I’d be put to the test didn’t you?

Wearing the God of You on my skin

They don’t know it but I do

Momento Mori

And if I ever don’t momento my moriness

In those moments that Death means Escape

Not The End

He lights my shoulders

Touches my hair

My beautiful Sun

Yeah I probably did need some vitamin you

It’s terrifying

Walking into a place where my memories are only my enemy

Who am I, but the slightly more years’ wizened child who walked out of that place?

Sol I want to walk in you, with you, for so many more years

When I cry that I want everyone to disappear

I think I just mean I want the pain to disappear

We all know he’d erase everything if given the chance

He’s the voice that wants out

I wish I could touch those moments we’re each alone

It’s almost better if the greys show up

We’re so volatile right now

I am my worst enemy

I don’t know how to escape that

Life throwing this and that at me

How do I protect myself from myself when life batters me?

This whole thing

A textbook in just continuing on but,

I feel like I’m lost in the pages of my life

What if there is no hope?

What if hope is stupid and I’m stupid for having it?

I just can never shake the feeling that someone is watching this and laughing

How do I be okay with it?

How do I believe that the sunset is a promise of tomorrow?

Where do I go to find even what I hope for?