Elucidating Questions

I want to be left alone

But I want to change the world

But the world laughs at me

I wonder what it would think if I told it I’d known prices would creep up and up in my teens

That minimum wage would no longer cut it

I knew that housing was going to become impossible

I knew that politicians would get more and more deranged

And watching it happen?

It’s like watching my nightmares come true

I would have loved for any one of you people to have proven I was wrong and deranged myself

But it hasn’t happened

It hasn’t happened and it’s queer

It’s queer as fuck seeing everything happening exactly as I knew it would but people are still telling me I’m delusional

Like there’s a split in reality

Like I’m seeing a different Universe than everyone else

You don’t see Nazi salutes? Everywhere?

You don’t see up ticks in racist pieces of crap assaulting children?

You don’t see it getting worse?

Have prices not doubled if not tripled?

What are you all seeing, I have to know

Is everything fine?

While you work for hours of your life to make not a dime?

What‽

It sucks that I’ll be deranged till I’m dead and then decades from now there will be people saying that it happened exactly as I said it did

What a world

It’s fine

The prime minister is a sell out to Trump but it will be fine

Piss before Trump ever calls me a “nice guy”

If Trump called me a nice guy I’d skin myself

Just to get the absolute stench of being such a failure that that monster thinks I’m “nice”

Ah well

Got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder today

Just one more notch in the discreditation belt

No one will ever listen to me

No one

And they’re cruel so I’m cruel back and then I regret being cruel

They don’t

I’m a cute little bullying blip in their day

I wish I picked words better

I swear I don’t try to make sentences that make people hurl abuse at me

What am I fighting for again?

Why do I want to help these monkeys?

Because some of them are nice

I guess

I’ve met some nice ones lately

More like people than most people

But social interactions don’t feel real to me anymore

Everything feels empty

I care but I’m empty

I don’t have anything in me left to protect against what someone who is “close” to me might do

I’d almost given in to being alone

Everything feels forced and awkward

Like being thrown back into a job you did 15 years ago

I don’t even know if I want to have friends

Maybe I was better as a deranged isolated person

People are so scary

Disabled poverty

They don’t want you to go on benefits, so they make the process hard

They don’t want you to work once you’re on benefits, so they make the requirements for “acceptable” income that doesn’t get clawed back as tight and painful as possible

If you can even manage to get hired for the amount of hours you’re allowed to work for

The workplace doesn’t want you to get accommodation for anything you have wrong with you so they put it behind a nice shiny piece of paper you have to pay the doctor to fill out

They don’t want disabled people taking the bus so they make them as uninviting as possible

Casually injuring people because the governing insurance agency will take care of it for them

So they don’t have to take care of you

They put the “accessible” bus behind being able to prove you’re disabled enough

And then they make the service as undesirable as possible so you’ll seek other modes of transportation

First come first serve works for the “normal” people when there’s another bus coming in ten minutes

Why can’t it work for disabled people who now have to wait days if not weeks for that make up appointment?

Why can’t disabled people be okay with less?

The federal dental plan, which they had to create because the provinces were doing shit all, is locked behind the DTC

Which cost me $200 to get filled out

And the DTC is specifically written to classify millions of disabled Canadians as “not disabled enough”

If you stay on provincial disability long enough they pressure you to go on federal

Federal disability is based on how much you worked

If you were fortunate enough to slave half your life away before becoming disabled you may make enough to

Well, live in abject poverty (1800 a month at the absolute most) or less if you were too stupid not to get disabled until later

You really should have known better

Says the federal government

I’m too disabled to pay for the student loans for a degree I never got to finish

But I’m too poor to pay for the forms to possibly get that debt written off

So the feds are going to try to come after me every six months

I’m too poor to have peace

And they do all this stuff, right?

Like they’re trying to dissuade people from becoming disabled

Look how awful it is!

Are they fucking psychotic?

Had Fortuna not danced on my grave twice I may have lived out my dreams

You think I chose this?

I can’t escape

And they made it this way on purpose

It’s hard being invisible

Not being the right kind of productive

Not “in” enough to make a splash or even a drop of a difference

I can’t afford rent again and that’s just because I’ve been dealing with severe mental health issues and when I’m struggling with wanting to die I shop

Something to live for

But, of course, dopamine from shopping is like crack

And I like crack

So great

And there’s no alternative

It sucks

And I have 0 self preservation

I’m like fuck it I will starve

And then I get to the starving part and panic

Probably the infinitesimal amount of self preservation I do have finally getting off its ass

I feel fine when I can just live

Isn’t that a concept?

So the few times I’ve gotten money I’ve lived

I’ve gone on vacation once since 2014 when I moved out from my mum’s

And that put me into debt

Excuse me if I wanted to feel free for a moment

Free of the shackles of not enough

It’ll be enough if you just work harder

Oh you can’t?

Rot

I view myself how society views me

I see myself as a useless leach sucking resources from the government because I’m not good enough

Disposable

Thank god for reverse word look up that word was gone

Kept getting recyclable

Which is funny

Because they won’t even let Mother Earth recycle us.

Burnt to ashes or locked in wooden tombs

Purely thrown away

Refuse

I don’t view other disabled people who can’t work the same

Disabled people are not a problem

They are a fact of life

Their needs should be provided

Everyone’s should

But especially people who can’t help themselves

Do you know what it feels like to cry for need of help and know there is none?

You already got all the help

That’s it

I know so many people have been in the no way out, there is no help, place

No one should be there

I get begrudged help

Every time my mum helps me she hates me a bit more

I have bad timing

I have needs that will never be fulfilled unless I have freedom

But you can’t have freedom if you’re invisible.

Not my kind anyways

Nepobabies are fine

They can be quiet and free

They think they have freedom

I don’t really want to be visible

But it’s hard to crowdfund without a crowd

Dancing my dance in hopes I’ll be worthy of freedom

From this cage that money built me

I wish I’d been born in a society without consumerism

I love collecting

I love my stuff

But it’d be nice to have stuff and collect stuff in a world where we just do the things that make sure everyone gets what they need and want

Wanting something isn’t wrong

Telling you wanting is wrong is something rich people who have do

Every cognitive being wants

I wish I wasn’t invisible

I wish I could subsist off of sunlight

It’s free

I just made a really bad joke and then laughed at myself for a bit

死生日

And the ridiculousness of that creation

Death birth day

Pffff

Sorry

Jesus and I have a weird relationship

One where I stand around pointing at things going did you mean to do this?

But generally accept that he was a cool dude or collection of several dudes

Making fun of his ex existence and the story around it just exists because I laugh at painful stuff

The person who laughs when morbid things happen because otherwise how?

And I have a funny complex around death and rebirth and all that

The absoluteness of death in a Universe of so few absolutes

People keep saying they found the absolute something; but then they find the next one; no, wait they really found it this time

The only rule in this place seems to be that nothing stays the same

Death birth day

The birth of your death

That produces interesting images

Let’s not explore any of it

But, like, you got better apparently

That’s where I start to see the faery tale

Nothing like that happens since cameras everywhere

Like spontaneous human combustion

It looks like just another thing that a human made up to get what they wanted from someone

Freedom

Control

So many things that humans said totally existed

Totally happened

I don’t know

Jesus died because he challenged the state

Because he was an uncitizen even though he was indigenous to the place because the Romans had decided they lived there now

Don’t these hypocrites see Jesus in these people who are being stripped, shaved, and sent to a torture prison?

No due process

Because they aren’t citizens

My father laughed

He doesn’t see a suffering indigenous person being tortured by the state for being different

No, they’re not miracle workers

I didn’t say they were Jesus I said don’t you see Jesus in them?

They could be the worst criminals

We wouldn’t know one way or the other because the majority of them seem to have been arrested on some white dude’s gang alien wet dream

And they’re people

Even the world’s worst human being deserves the room to move

I wouldn’t even say you should treat them like animals because we fucking shouldn’t do this shit to animals either

Torture is for the savage

And if you would torture another human do you not deserve to be tortured yourself?

See, the thing is, you don’t.

Because torture is wrong

We look at the torture devices of the past and think that’s barbaric, which is still an insult to anyone who doesn’t speak Greek

Gee, more xenophobic, cruel bullshit

But if only they saw what people do now

It’s wrong so we shouldn’t do it

Some poor Hispanic person is going to say the wrong thing about the wrong person and get disappeared

Jesus, on this day of your death

Which we call good for some reason

I don’t want help with this situation that has been handed to me by you through this awful relay

If you were God you hadn’t experienced death before

If you did that and then peaced

I really couldn’t fucking blame you

But if you were so infallible, so perfect, how could you have made such a grave mistake?

Prayer is so pointless to me

In my theism the gods are always offering some of the things I hear people pray for

And the other things are beyond their control

You can ask for guidance and love from the Universe, but they are always offering those things, you just have to look for them

Protection from the gods only exists as long as you walk with them

Listen to them

If you stray off the path then they cannot  guarantee your safety

And the protection of the gods

The guidance

Is never exactly what you think it will be

It’s not like you come to them and say

Gods, this is my ideal life, give it to me

And if you’re dealing with humans

Sometimes for all their protection and guidance they can do nothing

What will be will be

Bad things happening are not the gods turning away from me

I do not have to beg them to return

This is a place of chaos

They are the threads of order about it

Praying to a god to beg for love seems cruel on the god’s part

Plying him

I read the Bible god, do you love me yet?

It’s as if they believe that some day their god will come down with his little wand and give them everything they want

I would feel like any god I have to appease is no good

Mine don’t judge

Because they know I’m a stupid human with complexities beyond my own compre

I apologise when I do the wrong thing

But I’ve never felt malice

Never felt like I was judged

Tired understanding

You tiny fool

It’s okay

I almost pity them

Fearing your god

I don’t say anything

People should be free to worship their own things

But prayer makes me so sad

Birds are chirping

Not like before

Vehicles loudly droning past

I don’t like the city

People piled on people

The energy of the area is frenetic

And I don’t know if that’s a lingering trauma

Or the drone of some thousand souls all in one place

I don’t feel like people are supposed to be piled on top of each other

And I am sick of people telling me that reality is “just life”.

As if everything we see wasn’t manufactured from someone’s nightmare of a brain

As if we couldn’t have gone with another vision

I feel lost here

There is no spirit of the forest around me

The Ocean is nearby

And I need to go see it

But I cannot take the Ocean on to land with me

I can only simulate it when I drink water and imagine it is all around and within me

The water that has separated itself from the Ocean

And you can see Spring here

Trees placed as decoration

Not greeted, nor revered

The wildness cornered

As soon as the trees get too big

Step out of the human expectations

Become a “problem”

They will be unceremoniously destroyed

They will not see the ages of their ancestors

They are token nature

Nothing more

Why did we do this?

It wasn’t for everyone’s benefit

I can assure you a comfortable peasant had more free time and community than most people who occupy the peasant class with a fancy new label now

And it baffles me

We grew in some ways and not in others

We largely* figured out not to kill each other

*= most of the population wouldn’t kill someone for no good reason, it’s the few with too much power and the drones who follow, the monsters in our society we gave control of everything

We’re learning how to treat sick people

Mentally different people

But this life?

This so called developed life?

A city filled with people wandering the streets at night screaming their pain

Why did you do this?