Elucidating Questions

I can’t find anything

Not the stuff I keep looking for in the boxes upon boxes and piles and clothing and random shit

Not a job

Not a home

I want to live on my own again

I can’t handle this

Being responsible for my dad

Being responsible for other people’s feelings about how I live my day to day

I want to sing

I miss singing

I miss singing without being told I should enter choirs that sing about Jesus all day

I miss my stuff

I miss everything where I put it

I miss my living room

And my chair

I miss my crystals

Being everywhere

I miss my bedroom

Not mine

Tenancy

I used to fantasise that I’d buy that house some day and rent out the top floor

Just live in my basement and then pay the tenant to be the caretaker of the house

So many dreams died when I left that house

And I have nothing

No job

No place to call my place

Constantly worried I’m bothering someone

Constantly worried that I’m going to do something to bring out my father’s bad side

Constantly being told my world view is wrong

Just because I understand things differently

Doesn’t matter if I reached the same conclusion or not

Bowing to Christianity constantly

Just makes me want to set it on fire even more

I want my life back

I wasn’t really wrong when I said my life was ending the day I moved

Nothing is the same anymore

I just want my freedom back

I miss my freedom

I don’t live well with other people

So anxious and agitated all the time

I don’t know why things happen in this world

Sometimes it feels like the wrong sort of chaos

Sometimes it feels like there are threads of order within it but they don’t make sense

Nothing makes sense

I didn’t intend to lose to this world, but it’s exactly what I did

I want everything back

The idea that this is just a life that repeats over and over

And I end up wanting to repeat it every time

Has crossed my mind before

I’m stuck in a loop of failure and if I just went back and did something differently

Tomorrow is so far away

Why can’t it get better today?

I wish I didn’t have to listen to Christian music

It’s not good for my brain

My brain that once thought it needed to be Jesus

Psychosis is weird

Because I obviously know I’m not Jesus

And it’s not grandiose

It’s responsibility

But even with knowing

Certain phrases trigger it to come in again like a gut punch

I didn’t think I was Jesus because I thought it made me powerful

Christianity’s poison still seeping through my veins

Someone has to take responsibility for the state of the world

I didn’t imagine myself powerful

I imagined myself beaten and strung up

Powerless

I don’t even believe in that god

I don’t believe the stories of the Bible

But it’s in me like a virus

Fear that I have to take responsibility and be Jesus or even Jesuslike

I hate that I can’t get the tunes out of my head

My father singing them in his choir

He thinks I should join

I don’t want to sing songs about Jesus and their god

I wish I had songs about my gods to sing instead

Instead I just raise my voice to them in general song

It’s stressful to be around a Christian again

It’s scary to be faced with this doctrine again

He refuses to entertain other world views

While expecting that his should be respected and believed without question

I don’t understand it

I spend all day humouring his world

I can’t even hint towards mine

He thinks animals run on instinct and have no feelings

He doesn’t consider the Earth a living being

He’s decent, sometimes he says bad things

He corrects me for no reason

I said “my (crystal) skull melts ice”

And he laughed at me and said “the skull doesn’t melt the ice, the material it’s made of melts the ice”

Thank god a man was here to correct this terrible error

I’m just tired

I was so free

I thought I was grateful

But it was taken away

Does that prove I wasn’t?

It’s hard for me to be around this

I daren’t wish it would end because I want my father to be alive and well

Oh complexities

I wish it wasn’t

I wish it wasn’t so complex

That’s a good number

Just took away from my own opening

Whatever, good numbers should be recognised

It’s hard, you know?

When I haven’t really experienced many relationship things

Had one, let’s call it the “healthiest”, relationship where I loved the person, but I wasn’t in love with her, where I cared about her so much

But when she left back to her place I was so twisted inside from how fucked up it was that I wasn’t in love with her

I didn’t end up missing her

And the online relationships where I never met them

That “someday” when we were going to meet never happened

I really struggle to relate to relationship problems

It’s like, in terms of relationships, I have equal literacy to a palace servant’s reading level

And then I get depressed

Because there were days I just cried because I wanted a companion

An affectionate relationship

Cried at the prospect of it never happening

And it probably won’t ever happen now

The more I became my self the less likely it was

The more sick I have become the less likely it is

How do I relate to people who are sad they can’t see someone for a week?

I feel cruel

I know I’m not denying that they feel strongly about it

But I can’t understand why they are

A week

Weeks go by so slowly

So quickly

It still feels like April

I don’t know

I know what it feels like to miss someone I never met face to face

But never meeting and not seeing each other for a week is a slightly different scale

I feel bad

Wrap your head around it damn it

I’m sure there were people I missed in my past

Maybe I forced my feelings of loneliness down so much that I can’t remember what that feels like

I don’t want a relationship now

I’m never putting myself in that vulnerable a position with another human being again

It’s hard enough living with other people

The bedroom door doesn’t have a proper lock on it, it’s a coin lock

I thought I was lonely

Talking to people is fun

But letting them know about me and who I am?

I’d rather keep me safe

I can’t imagine missing someone after a week though

Maybe a couple months

I don’t have anyone to miss that isn’t dead

Dead’s kinda final, you miss them immediately because of it

I can be supportive

I don’t plan on saying anything even close to “it’s just a week”

It’s hard to remember that regular people have relationships

My own failing

I don’t want to dismiss anyone’s feelings

I’ve known weeks that stretched for other reasons

Maybe I can reframe it like that

I can’t imagine me missing a person after a week

But other things have ployed Time to stretch and twist

Like when I’m waiting for a package except it’s a person and I don’t really miss a package but it’s fine

I don’t know if I wish I could understand

I don’t know if I want another person to ever be that close to me

I hurt people blindly, and that’s a problem, and I now second guess everything I say and do because I’m paranoid of hurting other people

But I’ll bet you every person who hurt me did so without blinking twice and think I’m the bad guy

I’ll bet you they think that by me saying they hurt me two they think I’m playing the victim

As if you can’t mutually cause pain

I’m still struggling with keeping myself entertained and enjoying life without also spending other people’s money to pay for my needs

I do things wrecklessly

Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die anyways so why does it matter?

Sometimes depressed as hell and just needing something good

I’m so afraid of being hurt and my potential to hurt

But I have to understand relationships better

I will try to understand the depth of one week

Having friends is hard

Having a friend is hard

She’s gone quiet and I’m trapped in this web of worrying if she’s okay and worrying if I did something wrong

Always so worried I did something wrong

And, you know?

It’s probably nothing

But convince my body of that

Stomach aching, thoughts racing

I didn’t do anything right?

I didn’t

Did I?

What did I do?

Is she okay?

Sigh

Maybe I’m just not made to have friends anymore

I’m so sick of exposure therapy

Everything being exposure therapy

I’m anxious

I’m scared

I hate having something I don’t want to lose

She’s nice and cute and kind and I really really really don’t want to fuck up

But what if I already did?

And they’re thoughtless

“if it didn’t work out this time there will be others”

When?

For a few weeks again?

I want relationships

Not casual crap

I am so over thinking this

It’s gonna turn out that she was napping or something 

Ugh but my “what if” brain is so loud

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Aren’t we underestimating her if we think we did something and now she won’t talk to us?

Oh good

Yeah, see, I made it all up in my head

Relief

And I tell myself every time it happens like

It’s gonna be nothing and you’re going to be like why did I waste all that energy being stressed?

But I get this one two punch from my brain and my body

My stomach aching

My thoughts racing

My ears ringing

Yelling at my brain becomes pointless

How can I convince my brain that these patterns it’s seen of people just dumping me are not necessarily true?

I want to be free from this curse

Just Cozy

Got offered an interview

Asked if it could be over phone because I can’t get anywhere without two week’s notice, because I travel by the disability transit system

We prefer face to face interviews so we’ll interview all of them first and if we don’t like them we’ll call you

Just be last pick

Just wait until we’ve interviewed all the people who are able enough to get around on the spot and then maybe we’ll give you a chance

Just be patient and wait your turn

It’s your own fault for being disabled anyways

Your turn never comes

It’s ironic

Had I been able to keep my old job I’d be fine

But they changed the job description

I feel so not even second best

Like 7th

After we’ve gone through all these other people

We may throw the scraps at you

Just Cozy

Unless you’re disabled I guess

But they’ll take disabled people’s money

What quota?

What is this quota everyone keeps talking about?

And why am I, someone with sixteen years in customer service, never a part of it?

They said if you get experience you’ll get jobs

You’ll get jobs that pay better

You’ll get by

It’s ironic that I don’t even want much

Maybe three 4 hour shifts at the most

But everyone wants open availability up to 40 hours

It would be so cheap to employ me just because you need a disabled face

They don’t want that

Where’s the fucking quota?

Why is it that when I put in my diversity information I don’t get the job?

Why do interviewers change their tone when you tell them you’re disabled?

Why do receptionist jobs (which are fucking easy I did it at a tax office for an entire municipality for a season) all require 1 year or more of experience?

Do receptionists voip into existence?

Just because I need to work less doesn’t mean the quality of my work is less

But you understand these companies they have their able bodied workforce already doing more than is reasonable

Giving a disabled person the responsibilities of an overworked able bodied person just isn’t fair

It’s wrong

I thought that paper I had to pay to get filled out for Old Navy was supposed to tell them my limits and they would work with me

And then they didn’t

They changed the entire job description to be three jobs at once and said “do it or leave”

So I paid a total of about $120 to get my condition explained to them and then they built the job into one I couldn’t do

When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia I had a form filled out for Walmart who I had been working for for almost a year

They informed me they had no job suitable for me and terminated my employment

So I lied to employers for years about my ability and pushed through everything

And ended up with a second, worse, chronic illness

So much pushing through

For employers, friends, family

I just want a job

And everyone keeps telling me it’s so easy to find one

And I have applied to 18 jobs since the beginning of the month that I can do

One messaged back and then wanted me to wait until they’d decided if they wanted an able bodied person before even interviewing me

Fuck you “Just Cozy”

I’ve been avoiding Facebook, yeah?

Don’t feel like arguing

Found someone I will tentatively call a friend

But someone just revived some comment I made 8 weeks ago

Apparently it’s offensive

Sigh

I can’t get it right can I?

Just going around trying to be like yeah I get it here’s my story

Why does no one want to hear anyone else’s story?

I don’t understand people

I wasn’t even saying anything mean or, well, I thought, offensive

Hermes what?

Huh?

Fuck face

Oops

Well whatever

I don’t know how to interact with this world

There’s so many spiky things

I just don’t know what the world wants from me

I tried so hard to fit everything that every person wanted and ended up with no one

And a personality disorder

Well maybe if they didn’t expect so much of me?

Aren’t expectations judgements?

Are they not something you have decided about the future?

So much better to have none

Just be positive with no expectations of others

It’s not in my nature to fight

Oh hehe that was a fun little up and down

Dumb Cat

What do you want I wonder?

You ghost of communication

I doubt I could do it

Damn

I’m struggling so much right now

All the fucking Jesus talk

Living with a Christian is hard

He’s probably one of the good ones

But that’s saying something

I don’t have an arguing bone

I’m not good at it, I get invested

I don’t want to argue with people

And all these people wonder why my anxiety is so bad I’m carrying a plushie around at all times

I just want to be left to my life for a bit

It’s not the worst or anything. It’s just y’know not what I expected at 34 and so I’m adjusting

The post I commented on, that was during my last mental health emergency.

I may have misunderstood the meme

I don’t fucking remember what I was talking about?

Memory loss is memory loss

I hate fighting with people