Elucidating Questions

What a fun number

I used to talk really negatively about myself

But it annoyed people

They’d tell me to stop

They wouldn’t tell me it wasn’t what I thought

But they wanted me to stop

So I stopped

And the poison stayed inside

There’s no one inside to tell me I’m wrong

So the ugly thoughts just festered

Like an old wound you didn’t get treated in time

No one said “it’s not like that”

I’d say “I’m ugly”

They’d say “don’t say that”

I’d say “I want to die”

They’d say “stop saying that”

But they never said stop thinking that

They lived inside me

Rotting me

So well trained, my mind, to pounce on me, and make me bleed in ways these humans have tried but never managed

It’s only when they cement something my brain already told me was true that it hurts

You didn’t hurt me

The truth did

It’s not that you said it

It’s that the face inside grinned when you said it

So I started putting those feelings somewhere

People acted like I was fishing for compliments

Like I already knew the things they would say to reply to my self hate

Here in the silence

The thoughts are valid

Acknowledged by the silence

They’re allowed to be there

They won’t be contradicted

But they’re real, and they’re allowed to be

Not scorned as if I’ve done something wrong by thinking them, but the thoughts are not combated

And they say things like

You have to save yourself

Positive self talk comes from within

Where am I supposed to get the belief that anything I think is true?

Decades of being told I’m delusional

Having my memory questioned

How am I supposed to trust myself?

At least there’s somewhere to put the thoughts

Dark, angry, broken

Whatever

There is a darkness in me

Asterisk

Darkness is different from evil

I think the darkness has its place

It needs somewhere to go

Sometimes there’s no where else to put it

No, often

I just want to make a point that

They silenced my negative self speech instead of repurposing it

They acted like I wanted to be complimented and not reassured

So it became an internal monologue

A voice within my inner voice

There’s so much me in my head

So much that has separated from me

That is still within me

So much going on

I’m so afraid of failing everyone

I just want peace

Then again

How do people who refused to seek their own peace teach it to a child?

I should write some back

“Please don’t harass random citizens”

Well behaved harassment

You should see him unbehaved

I guess I woke up and chose angry

It’s funny how we never know until we know

A million times the coin could flip and we’d still be us until a moment when the step breaks

Something demands our awareness

But he just kind of started it

I wonder if it’ll be like this now

Moments of each of us

So locked into the spinning motion

A face for the Sun and a face for the dark side of the Moon

If he’s within me doesn’t it overflow into me?

Wrath

Just as you’d look upon him with that uncontrollable affection

I’ve never known anyone who would do evil things for me

But myself?

Myself

Is that how it’s supposed to be?

I hurt when I think about the evil in me

But it segmented

Into me and me?

It doesn’t matter because no one notices it

Only things that other people notice matter

That’s why my depression is evil

And my illnesses are a burden

But I can be a person and a… I don’t know a quarter?

No worries

Besides what would life be without a couple secrets?

I could beg the people I know to read this stuff and they wouldn’t

I’ve been writing this handbook of me and they never cared

I want my chair back

Haven’t been able to relax

Maybe that’s why he was up this morning and not me

Can’t feel at home without my falling apart monstrosity of a lounge chair

P.S. that doesn’t mean you go out to start fights with people

Even if they started the fight with me first

You dingo

Somewhere we’ll feel home again

Someday

I hope

I feel at home in the area

Many of my dreams take part in this area

But all them within that house

Include me flying off the balcony

Fucking that place and going somewhere else

I’m so on edge

I’m seeing my brothers getting away with things that would have pissed him off before

Trying to figure out how he sleeps with them laughing their asses off upstairs with him

I feel bad for making him sleep up there

I remember being told off for closing doors too loud

I always go out of my way to close doors as quietly as possible since

They’re up there slamming around

I got yelled at for going up and down stairs too loud

I still go down stairs as quietly as possible

Stomping, yelled at for that

Eating snacks, yelled at for that

My brother was pounding the wall on the bathroom this morning because of some noise it makes

Angry?

Pounding on anything?

I’m floored

I’m never going to recover from him loving the cat

I guess fifteen years is a while

Still I’m on edge

Waiting for the shoe to drop

Not even going to pretend to have a honeymoon period

I’m afraid of what it’s going to be like two weeks from now

I need an ally

One that’s not in my head

Man, I had one dream friend

Now I have tonnes

And the other side

My brain, desperate for help

I don’t know how anyone else would react to this life

I know I’m not as strong as most people

But I do feel like my life is on, like, Demon level hard mode

That being said I’m grateful for what I do have

I wouldn’t have been able to move without the help of my brothers and mum and stepdad

They’re irreplaceable

They help when asked even if they hate it

Even if they were bad mouthing me half the time

The place was a mess.

I’m a mess

Have to make sure I can keep it together this time

At least there won’t be any men to destroy it this time

Well none that I bring in

I live with three men now

That’s scary even though they’re family

I’m jumpy as hell

I need to find out how to relax

I’m so tired

We’re so tired

There’s another me

And that’s me

And I’ll fuck with you if you fucked with me

Only minor havoc

Otherwise they’ll regret it

Why do people fuck with them?

Us?

It’s like they can smell softness

Want to stamp it out

This creature who believes they are the worst person on the planet while people like Drumph and poo tin are running around

I don’t think anyone will be able to explain that they’re not

People have, though not many, said we’re a decent sort

Decent’s not good enough

If we’re not a saint

If we’re not a fucking messiah

I want to break every person that has forced awful feelings on this body

They say they can’t make us feel a way

It’s like they can all decide what emotions they feel

Which would make them sociopaths

I just want to lock them in a tiny room with no windows and ask them why they suck

Repeatedly

Until they feel like we did

Evil lives with me

I am

I have to be

Survival requires evil

Anyone who says otherwise has selective memory

Or, more likely, evil is so routine they don’t even notice when they do it

The other

Is there a place where I can hide them away?

Just as soft

Just with claws

Bunnies can kick box but they’re terrified of everything so it rarely happens until it’s too late

Not really a defence mechanism

I want to cause havoc for anyone who made them feel like my evil is within them

Instead of being poisoned by the evil of other people

This life like a cave

Evil pouring down

Who has the bowl?

It changes us

I always wanted vengeance

They just wanted peace

I know I’m a colonizer

I can’t do anything about that

I was born on stolen land

To a family that came here because their land was stolen

Existing in the generational, and probably DNA, trauma and poverty that that created

I can’t stop being a colonizer

There’s no where to go

They stole my family’s land throughout the generations

Made them debt slaves

They ran to Canada

Which was just more stolen land

I want to go home

All my life, fuck

I’ve wanted to go to some place that isn’t here

Japan felt like home in a borrowed way

Like it had once been, perhaps, and I was just coming back to check on it

Reincarnation

But I don’t know where my home is

And simply by existing I am an evil that will never absolve myself of these crimes

My existence is a sin against the people who lived here first

I won’t ever claim I’m not

But it hurts to hear it

This stain I can’t erase because of my disgusting skin colour

Everything it represents

Whatever is wrong with our DNA to make us an afront to the Sun

Too poor to make a difference so I’m just taking up resources that would be better spent on indigenous people

Fuck colonization

Fuck taking things from people who are still alive

But it’s meaningless from me

I’m just a white pawn taking up space like the colonizer masters want

Filling the space with whatever sickness birthed from the conquest

Indigenous people, globally, deserve better

I have no lands to call home

If I was to go back to where I came from

I’d be here

If I go back to where my ancestors came from

I’d just be a colonizer all over again

I wonder what it’s like to know where you belong?

How do I sit with it?

How to accept that I am just evil?

My birth was evil

That I can’t fix it

Truly,

The only way to live right is to not live at all

But here I go persisting

I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be

I don’t want to go back to finish moving things that will disappear into the garage forever

I don’t want to go back

Face the emptiness of the space

Not a home anymore

A place I once lived

It is past tense now

Like my sister is past tense

And like with how they’ve erased her from all speech

How I’m the only one who seems to remember her

I want that place to disappear into my memories

I want to pretend I never left this house

The space has been trying to entice me

Hummingbirds and Sunsets

Thunderstorms and stars

Look they’re all in the perfect position

It is loud and I can’t sleep

The city screams with the pain its oppressed citizens do not speak

It is so wrong to speak out in pain because they are all pretending they are not

I can hear birds

But they are not the mix there was before

There are tits

I suppose I should speak my gratitude amongst my anxiety

I have walls

And my animals

I am not comfortable but I have somewhere to go

That is more than so many have

My father doesn’t have the anger he used to

He still angrily bangs around the kitchen

But he loves his cat

He has a cat

An animal he doesn’t resent

The Bible study shit is mind numbing

Oh God we know you’ll fix everything one day and we’re your humble servants and we submit to you and blah blah blah

Jesus save me from your followers

Save me

But I’ll be okay

That stupid fire in me

If I just make it to midnight

Just make it to midnight again

I want to go home

But home died

There is no home