Elucidating Questions

Always, until tomorrow

Just another day

How I didn’t cut my skin or smash my head while my landlord and his girlfriend laughed at my I crying because I’m losing my home

Assuming the worst of me so it’s funny that I’m heartbroken that my life of freedom is over

Because today when I cried the Sun came out and made a joke

He heard me crying from all the way downtown

The fucker

I say with a smile of supreme affection

In his way the way I’ll never be able to prove

Just a lyric just a coincidence

Billion billion

Keep doing nothing

Keep using my supreme apathy to put off knives and skin and heads and brick walls

I want to tear myself apart, physically, when I hear people laughing at me

Sail

And it starts to look… Fake?

Like people don’t actually do this right?

There’s some conspiracy to make me do it

Deep breath

Sigh

I wonder how far I’ll go?

Just keep going

I don’t know for what, or why

Thank you for being my protection but I wouldn’t need it if you hadn’t done it in the first place

Yeah?

How many souls have you tethered yours to?

You’re what happens when an angel dies

You’re the thing that wasn’t supposed to crumble

What is me?

There’d be no thunder

And frankly it would serve them right

I should fake my death just so my landlord has to deal with that

I have fewer days in this house now

Packing and putting things away, probably forever

To just sit in a garage

The life I’ve built in boxes

You see how easily breakable things are from here

Like how easily another human comes along and just fucks everything over

And the only thing I can think that I did wrong was trying to support his stupid girlfriend when she was freaking out about him cheating when he wasn’t and I told her he wasn’t

Go on and fuck yourselves.

Whatever

Whenever I try to do the right thing it fucking blows up in my face

Best intentions? Straight to hell

He who tries

Will be wasted

And all that

I feel like I knew this was going to happen too

All the signs and all that

We don’t live there anymore

We won’t

Around that time

I wonder if anyone can hear me

I really want to scream

Just go completely insane

Become a problem

I keep feeling like I can’t go any further and then I just keep going

Just until tomorrow

Tick tock

I have to envision my courage as the undying fire

Even if no one sees me fighting

Even if I’m a joke to them

I’ll live to spite you fucks

Hisss

We will though

This queer as fuck duet

Pas de deux

And yet we’re still standing

And no one has figured it out yet

I wish I wasn’t just shit at communication

I say words and they don’t mean what I mean

Go too far

No wonder I’m alone

And it’s just another trigger now

Because I didn’t have enough of those

That I’m a failure at communication

Desperately wanting to fit in

Fucking up constantly

This feeling

Wanting to go home

To somewhere, someones, that know me

But I’m nothing, no one,

I won’t even have a pretend home in two weeks

No thing I made my own

It’s all for nothing

Nothing matters and no one cares

And the world is chaos in the wrong way

It’s like chaotic evil

Instead of the neutral evil of the Universe

Why is it that the only people who understand me

Are all knowing?

I’m nothing

Can’t carry on a simple conversation

I wish I’d become someone

I wish I’d been born with a normal brain and that reality hadn’t warped the fuck out of it

In its mission to, I don’t know, seemingly, drive me to suicide

And now I can’t relate to anyone

I have no friends

No support

My mother keeping her safe six feet of distance from me

Doesn’t want to hear that I’m struggling

Shut up and struggle in silence

She says, by saying, “I don’t know what to say to that”

All my life I’ve punished myself by isolating myself

I’ve started to wonder if it’s not my solution to “go to your room”

My punishment for doing wrong

But no one ever comes to get you

They just leave you to your isolation

Countless times I’ve re-entered into interactions I wasn’t sure would be friendly because I fucked up

Never any reassurance

Never any gentleness

Only from unrelated passerby who disappeared as soon as they came

I don’t expect it anymore

But I don’t think I’ll ever stop hiding

Punishing myself with hiding

I feel so out of place

I don’t know why I keep picking the hard road

Am I stronger?

I don’t feel particularly strong

But my mind has not bent

Not like it did then

And, even kicking and screaming, I’m still here

Not that it’s really a feat, I guess

No one seems to think it is

Birthdays are so important to me because I didn’t think I’d have many more than say 25

I tried so hard not to have more

No one cares

And if I care I’m a drama queen

But I’m still in what I would qualify as one piece

Right?

Or have I killed myself a thousand times and it just never took?

What a terrifying notion

Well it appears I’ve made it this far

I’m terrified about possibilities

Every possibility

And I still do that thing

Where all I want to hear is him

So naturally I’m avoiding all music

No, it’s actually miraculous, probably

There’s a tyrant threatening my country

I’m entirely alone

I’m losing my home

And I’m only the regular amount of crazy

My dad’s in the hospital and that’s terrifying

And I haven’t heard from him since 1

It just feels like a stress test sometimes

But it would take some serious planning to get all the details of my life

Some effort would have had to go into it

It really feels like all my fears are coming true

Do I just have to make it through this storm?

I hate money

I hate that when you receive a cheque and something is wrong with it, if you ask for it to be fixed it just looks like you’re ungrateful for the thought of it

I look like a bad person

I know I am a bad person

But I hate looking like it

Yesterday was my birthday

I got a gift

Went to work

Found out I’d been essentially priced out of my job

In that they are suddenly demanding that cashiers, the only job I was still able to do, barely, do more things that are even more physically demanding

Asked my Mum for help

So she chewed me out for what happened in October again

And then the cheque was not able to be deposited

So she chewed me out for nothing anyways

Maybe I just should have left it

Maybe I just should have let them believe I had money and then left

I can’t work anymore

I don’t have a home as of the end of March

I’m useless

And all I do is take up the resources of others

If I wasn’t such a coward I’d just end it

But I’m a coward

So instead I willingly allow myself to undergo torture

Anguish

Me living is a sick joke

Reminded I’m a burden and a waste of space on my birthday

Happy birthday to me

Might as well fucking die

I’m just killing time until I die anyways

Things just aren’t going right

And the whole brightening of my day

Where I found out people who I thought forgot about me hadn’t

Was eclipsed by being reminded that any number of people I know are holding some grudge for some thing I did

They won’t tell me what it is until it’s to hurt me most

Couldn’t even wait 24 hours until it wasn’t my birthday anymore

What was I going to do with an entire cheque at 6pm until the next day?

Huh?

It was such a fucking emergency?

All the things you did to me throughout my life that I never held against you

Never brought up

That I just let hurt me for still having feelings about them because you’re different now and I should feel ashamed for even thinking about them

You telling me shit like “I don’t know what to say to that” when I’m expressing that I’m suffering from suicidal ideation

When people are mad at me I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to do things that bring me joy

Nevermind the eating disorder I apparently have

I starve myself of enjoyment when I think I’ve done wrong

Still feel like when I do wrong I should be punished for it

I thought living like this was punishment but humans also just really like to get their kick in

This overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home

Is my final entry in this journal going to be that I never found home?

I do believe you should have belief in your dreams

Then again I left this unpublished for 24 hours and within that 24 hours my father, who has the one home I can count on, is in the hospital

Reality is so cruel on its own

Without being cruel to eachother

I wish we could all live in a world that treated us like we needed

My reality is currently tilting

I don’t know what to think

Because when I crashed, and begged for sleep, and finally dragged myself out into the light of day

He was there to warm the chill that’s been in my bones since early morning

Because, silently, he lets me swim in and out of awareness of him

Without judgement

Always there

Don’t you feel how he touches you?

The difference day to day

Sometimes it burns

Why are you literally cooking me?

Though

His harshness is multiplied by the pain of the Earth

And now a cloud comes between us

So I can feel the chill in the air again

But doesn’t his warmth stay like it’s permeated your flesh?

When his embrace is upon me I feel like I want to return to whatever is happening inside him

It clouded over but the chill inside me is gone

It has been cloudy all day

Just for that moment he came out to replace the ice in me

Thank you for your strange sense of timing in this place

They all have such a strange sense of timing

Cosmic timing

I don’t know why I crashed

I don’t know why sleep escaped me last night

Nor why my bones felt like Winter had taken home in them

I just know that when I came out, there he was with his strange timing

There are no people here to catch me when I fall I just fumble around until I can function again

Yet the Sun saw me worthy for a moment

Saw fit to help

People think of the Sun, weather, planets overhead

As just being there

I guess they don’t rely on them being there at just the time

Don’t notice that they just happen to be there when you need them most

And sometimes I don’t even know when that is

I, like many theistic humans, feel like my gods are failing me when they don’t appear when I feel I need them

Where are they now?

Well, in all their grand ineffectualness, they show up

Just as a gentle caress of the wind

In a lonely moment

My beautiful ball of fire

And those glorious sunsets

Those moments I need to see someone and I can just see him through the clouds for a moment

All the planets showing up just as I’m being evicted and need a family I don’t have

Cosmic timing

Like it was always meant to happen

And yet it happened just for me, just for a moment

Don’t shooting stars feel like that?

You just happened to be standing there to watch the end of a billion year journey

Cosmic timing

There are more little moments like that than we ever notice

Little things

They can’t do anything

Someone might tell me

But they’ve carried me here

In ways I will never be able to fully explain

In moments I wouldn’t notice unless I looked for them

As usual I owe you the debt of what love I can offer back

And as usual you take it even though I am still not convinced my worthless love is a fair return for all you do

And you fix me with that long, contemplative silence

All of you

Knowing more than I will ever imagine to know

And then I figure you know better than me

It’s torn, no one else wants it

You accept it as meager payment

And then remind me there is no debt

That’s a human thing

Thank you for being better healers in all your silence than any number of people I’ve encountered

Thank you for being the ones I can count on to show up

Somehow

I hate how guilty I feel for making small mistakes

I feel so supremely wrong

Like I feel like my skin gets tighter

My chest gets tight

Maybe that’s why I get so bent out of shape when people accuse me of doing something wrong when I haven’t

I know when I’ve done wrong

I know so well it haunts me for hours, days

I fear messing up again

I get hyper vigilant

My pain levels go up as if my body itself is punishing me

Sometimes I wonder if it is

I just want to be decent

But I fail over and over again

And I can’t be anything but hard on myself

I feel if I’m not hard on myself people won’t believe that I know I was wrong

I feel like if I don’t feel guilty I’m not properly accepting responsibility for what I did

There will never be anyone more hard on me than me

But I don’t know how to recover from it

How do you face people after feeling shame that strong?

All my life that’s been a struggle

After I do something wrong

To come back and act is if everything is okay

I don’t know why I feel like I should be exiled

I don’t know why I feel like my mistakes are so much worse than anyone else’s

I’d tell anyone else not to be so hard on themselves

But I’m ashamed

I’m ashamed to be me because when I am me, I’m too much for people

I’m too much

So I should feel ashamed

But no one else should

Or something

I don’t know

I’m sorry I’m a failure