Elucidating Questions

Watch this psychological mayhem

I don’t usually hold people to my standards because they’re high standards

But I’m nothing special so said standards must also be nothing special

So here I am confused that people don’t know what I do

While simultaneously not wanting to hold them to my high standards

Even though I’m pretty sure I’m just as much of a dumbass as any other solar result

But I can’t possibly know more than the average person

Because that would make me above average

But acknowledging that I’m above average would be narcissistic

I cannot be special

So if I’m normal does that make all these other people below normal?

I thought average was the most common

I’m so confused by people not finding the same patterns in society that I have

Told all my life I’m one of the “smart ones”

Then told if you think you’re smarter you’re probably not

Life is so chaotic

You’re this but if you think you’re that you’re a terrible person

I wouldn’t even think I might be better if so many of the people I run into weren’t the worst?

But if so many people are the worst then what does that say?

And I’m so fucking special

Special disease

Special isolation

Special poverty due to the special disease

And I’m not fucking special

Yeah I’m weird and I think differently

Put any other human through 8 years of isolation

Yes, it’s special

I still get to be a customer

Or be a cashier

Never me in front of anyone

But fuck me I’m not some great being or something

I cannot view myself as anything other than another human

I can’t be unique

Not in untold billions

Somewhere in history there must be other mes

Right?

So I don’t know maybe they just don’t know the same things as me but they know the same amount?

Who knows?

Is it the same gods that rained incessantly for days when I was out but stopped as soon as I was in?

Do they know?

I wish I could speak their language

I don’t even want to be special

Really could have done just fine with average

I mean if I am something special

The bar must be really fucking low

If anything I’m number 1 at hating myself but still living

There are the sirens

Maybe I should go hide for a while

1000 lives was already not okay

You don’t somehow make it even by removing another 1000

And 5000 was just about the point that my feeling that this wasn’t about any lives at all

10000 was the point I thought the perpetrators should be put into the type of scenario the victims are currently living in

20000 is beyond my comprehension

That’s my entire city wiped out

And yet the numbers grow

And there are still people acting as if this is about terror

Maybe it is

But the terrorists are not who you think they are

And they think they belong there because God said so

Or their ancestors were there or something

Brb while I dehouse everyone in Wales who isn’t Welsh

I don’t know the answer to make it stop

It’s just more lives ticking away to dust right?

And who really cares about the environment when land is on the line

God these people are crazy

Why did you lock me in a room with them?

We aren’t going to talk about it

The changing shape

Just look at it feel moderately confused and use it anyways

This world is so haunted

And the weather is being a big meanie today

Big meanie

It hurts me

Like the universe says lots of things

And here have a bad day

Is one of them

Content was fine

Body felt like led

I want it to snow so I can stop being cold

I miss not being cold

This dreadful wet

The way it enters my bones and chills me from the inside

I wish I had a portable heater or something

A little sun to carry around and cuddle when it’s cold

Oh how I miss him

My eyes got tired of being awake before I was even done my shift

How I miss you when you’re not here

You’re right there

No different than yesterday

Or the day before

But I haven’t seen you

As if you’re not there at all

Clouds

Me shaking my fist at clouds

Exhausted

I wish I had a cure for missing you

Hey Sun

Remember when you drew sunglasses on my retinas when I looked at you?

Still can’t stop

You bright mother fucker

You beautiful glowing orb

Come on over here and light up the night

With day

They think you aren’t alive

But they acknowledge that you die

They don’t pay you your worth

That’s for sure

So many mysteries

At least I know I love you

Humans get in the way

But I love you

Big brilliant glowing thing

Light like warm touch on my skin

Do they see you?

I wish everyone saw you

That they looked at you like the moon

Like a valuable thing

Precious

I should say, value is not really a thing

Just hold on to me for a moment with your brightness

This gentle warmth

I think I’m getting too used to my body in my dreams

I see myself in daylight and wonder

What is that?

I can blame it on any number of things

I have a reason for everything afterall

Some people call them excuses

So what if I’m taking multiple medications whose side affects are weight gain?

So what if I will literally sleep for 15+ hours if I do anything active?

Facebook bombards me with weight loss and shape wear ads

Because apparently it’s not acceptable for me to be overweight

It’s not acceptable that all I can eat is garbage because I can’t cook

Constantly advertising meal kits like if I’d just cook them things would be better

Advertising is tiresome

Facebook currently thinks I’m a parent and is sending me ads for apps to manipulate house work out of children

The ads in my dreams are always scenery

Just something in the background

They put a box in our hands so they could advertise to us 24/7

It’s just another way to make us do the same things

Constantly searching for something we’ll never find

There’s no money in it

It’s just my feelings

I wish I could recognise myself in daylight

I wish you could too

I have so many things to say to you

No where to put them where you’ll see them

So many words I have no words left

I’ve said more than enough words for the both of us

Maybe even if we met there would be nothing to say

Everything feels like harassment

Everything I do

Everything that happens to me

And there are the sirens

Just police

No well wish for them

I doubt we’d even get along now

If we would it wouldn’t be like this

So many things to say

So say in the hole

Of ink

I hope you’re okay

I doubt it matters