Elucidating Questions

I have so many things to say to you

No where to put them where you’ll see them

So many words I have no words left

I’ve said more than enough words for the both of us

Maybe even if we met there would be nothing to say

Everything feels like harassment

Everything I do

Everything that happens to me

And there are the sirens

Just police

No well wish for them

I doubt we’d even get along now

If we would it wouldn’t be like this

So many things to say

So say in the hole

Of ink

I hope you’re okay

I doubt it matters

I imagined myself your equal

I can only laugh

I became such a strange shape

B to the Sun

Well that’s fine isn’t it I’m not even remotely on your level

Are you still creating?

Can I hear it yet?

Come back come back familiar yet unknown sounds

It’s like picking out a guitar and recognising its sound

Playing different notes you didn’t know

Sometimes I know an instrument

Certain not to be the same

You’re not playing the same game anymore

I wonder what it’s like

Being in paradise on Earth?

I miss the Sun

Do you miss her like I miss the Sun?

Like my essence is slowly leaking away until I see him again

I haven’t met you I don’t know if I miss you or not

Maybe my relationship with the Sun is some ancient thing I do not understand

I just want to be tied to this world by something

I left so many times to be elsewhere

A tether stronger than you, my love

Stronger than the possibility of seeing something from your life

Silence and time stretch

One day I will be gone and my only legacy

Footprints in the sand on the shores of the ocean that is the internet

I wish someone had told me I was destined for nothingness

And here’s my portfolio of lunacy to show for it

Pointless

It’s all pointless

And there’s all these people searching for their purpose in life when there isn’t one

We exist and then we die

And everyone likes existing in hell

So what am I here for?

Nothing

But I can’t die because absolute nothing is terrifying

And I have yet to see evidence that the paradise I wish for exists

Probably my crazed assertion that this was supposed to be paradise and we broke it

For money

Yay money

And there’s nothing more queer than being in a crowd of people entirely alone

In this room full of 8 billion people

And I don’t understand any of them

So I waste my time with ink and words two people read

Because I’m powerless to do otherwise

Can I be included?

I ask

No that sounds like work

永遠に一人１人独り

人？

ありえないけど

When do I get to stop giving up things?

Cooking

Walking

Living

When do I get to stop having less so others have more?

Money

Transportation

Friends

Inclusion?

And I have nothing but people demand more from me

I have no energy

No understanding

And I don’t get the joke

The joke that is my life

And people coming in just like give up a little more

Do I get to laugh at this joke too or is it every other joke in the box that is the only tie I have to socialisation?

Made to feel like anything more than what I have would be selfishness

People can only have so many friends and I’m not it

And including people ruins the fun for everyone else

And do I even want to be friends with any of these traumatised adult children?

Can’t handle my own trauma

How am I supposed to handle theirs?

Not sure what I want to say just that I’m alone again

As always

Because I’m not allowed to have anything

I’m not good enough to have anything

This was in my drafts

Empty

Forgotten potential poem

Art thou something formidable?

It could have happened, but it didn’t

Words that rose then fell

I wonder what they were?

Probably more disbelief that this is reality

Humans are fascinating

And sad

Maybe I was thinking of someone

Dear someone I hope you’re well

You’re beautiful

I’m not burning out yet

You’re not either

You’re not allowed

Singing it back in reverse, see that?

I wonder where I am

Where, is here?

I suppose since I’m somewhere

Where is here

Just the same old same old

Do you hear me after the rain?

Wondering if I’m even on the same planet as you sometimes

I can run into people on the other side of the Earth

But not you

If you believe in destiny then this poem was never meant to be anything than what it is now

Mysterious fates

We aren’t meant to be

But I was made for you

I’ve run out of one wishes

Too many complications

One wish was when wishes weren’t needed

One wish was when all I needed was freedom

Gave a wish for something that was destined to happen

A waste, can I have a do over?

So many people to bring back

So many wrongs to end

I had to become all powerful

I am not

And I wish I could bring some better thing to this world

But it’s not possible for someone like me to leave a mark

They make sure of it

I’d have to have some semblance of self

There is none here

この自分

It has no will to exert its will

But to talk to crows

Feels guilty picking up the piggies because it stops their agency as creatures

What is this me?

Can I wish myself back?

Was I even here at all?

And I can watch the young and feel joy at their existence

And then dread for their life

Do you dread for the children?

This is not a world to pass down

This is not

And school is still built to teach them how to succeed but not how to fail

Success being the only option

I digress

But not really because these problems and wishes

I’d wish them a better world

Why, it’s all I want for them

People glowering at how protected our kids are these days (they’re not, that’s a lie) when that should have been the goal!

Did we not work hard for something better?

When did that stop?

I understand it’s merely been a ruse for profit

But at some point the people believed they were doing the best for whomever came next

We’re all so focused on making other people miserable

Now I have to ask the Christians again

That’s the mission you think Jesus sent you on?

I wish this was a better world for them

The children

I wish this world was better for the crows gathering around me too

They’re the children too though

Aren’t we all

I wish for more wishes

Ah, I’ve never been one to follow the rules

You may deliver them in the form of shooting stars or random explosions in space (which I will now also be wishing on)