Elucidating Questions

There’s not really anything to say today

I’m just a life living

Made some things

It’s nice, that feeling of making something from some nothings

Or taking something and elevating its ability just a bit

Creating is fun

What is not fun is that everyone starts telling you to sell them to people

No

I am not going to seperate desperate people from their money

I will not take part

I will not let this disgusting web of gears crush what is beautiful

Creating is beautiful

Usually

Humans man

But to then use that thing that I have created to take money from people?

I’d rather starve and I will

I tried you know

Tried to make this hall of letters make a name for itself

I am not marketable

Not surprising

I’m hard to digest

I love animals though

I’m really trying my hardest though

I said nothing really and then wrote all that

It’s never nothing really

Sorry Bob Ross I’m staying on my soapbox at all times

This world just could be so much better and

And I get tired of thinking about it so it leaks into the internet

Life, man

I am both terrified of it

And terrified of the alternative

And at least life I have somewhat figured out

Right?

Hungry? Eat, if you have food

Tired? Sleep

Submit your soul to the soul crushing gears of capitalism

Worry constantly about shelter just like our ancestors of hundreds of thousands of years ago

Whatever, right?

Feel sick all the time, barely make ends meet (not really)

Like I’m used to this hell

I have no fucking clue what the opposite is

No fucking clue

No one knows what death is or why it happens

Just that everything alive dies

No one knows if that’s it

I don’t feel like that’s it

There are far too many spirits for it to be it

But the unknown

And my fear of the nothing

Life is wild

I have no belief that it is good

It’s not boring

I remember a character in a show or video game saying that when a calamity was happening

At least it’s not boring

I do not know if I prefer wild to boring

Wouldn’t because I’ve never been bored but for a moment

Missed work again today

Fuck me

I feel so guilty

I always feel so guilty

I just want to hide a bit

Come cover me from the rain

Soaked is what I am

Thunderously pouring down as if all the year’s wet is now

I suppose you’re somewhere greener than here

Like that grass everyone insists is only greener because I’m not there

I think they’re full of shit

I told you I wanted purple and you went with blue

Not that you were listening

Well don’t go then

I wonder who it could be that is just like who I want?

Some imagined person

Vroom

Vroom Vroom

Big truck makes loud noises

Makes me think the owner has a tiny dick

Excuse me

It’s raining so I’m sassy

In that running up and down your hallway at 3am like a herd of elephants mood

Yes I do know you’re sleeping

Crap I’m trapped in this body

I’d have probably found out how to climb the ceiling by now

Rain

Oh cats and dogs

One cat

No dog

Very wet

I don’t know about you but I think you’re amazing

For some stupid reason

I hope you’re having a good time

Oh I’m lost

But I’m old

Our lives have already been lived

I wish I could have warned me

What was hers

Was changed to ours

And now I don’t know

What a long day

That pouring rain all day kind of day

Dumb sun

It’s not the sun’s fault

I’d like to hear that new guitar

Would you play it for me?

See the problem with aching for the unattainable

Is that I always have some shred of hope

No matter how disheartened I am

I always have just a shred

That something will get better

It’s awful because that hope gets disappointed

Even though everything else I see tells me otherwise I still think someone’s going to help

The whole “having hope” thing is so overrated

They say have hope, I can’t stop having it

The dreamer holds out hope

Sounds like a tag to an emotional movie

So much hope for no reason

When I say the only person who can save me is me

I mean I would literally have to encounter a me who isn’t broken

And I don’t know who can save the world

It certainly isn’t me

Dear me, save me.

Yet hope

It’s a difficult thing to have when the world is intent on being as it is

I have to exist for some reason

I don’t know what that reason is, but here I am

Can we ease up on the difficulty setting a bit?

The Cat is out more than I thought

It was when I noticed the difference between forking and fucking

Or the attempt to be polite

I still don’t know what I am

He is so decidedly male

And I don’t know what I am

You’d have to know us intimately to differentiate

This dance we’ve been doing forever

So lost in the seams of each other

Where we overlap

What is it?

I wonder?

The change

Sometimes I think if I ignore it it’ll go away

I think that about a lot of things

That’s why it took me a year to go to the doctor about my heart

I wish I could properly identify him

Cover his mouth

But I’m somewhere else

Like that

We don’t know where somewhere is

Somersaulting

Exhausted duo

When being between

I hope we’re resting

We’ll probably never know the truth

I don’t want to be brave

I don’t want to fight

How many thousands of years would it take for me to get through my life?

I don’t know what it feels like to not be in pain

Don’t remember what sleeping through the night feels like

But if I could have something else I would take it

I just feel like I’m killing time until time kills me

I wish I had some comradery

Something to strive for

Together with someone

With someone

Remember when I wanted someone to love me and time taught me that’s not for me?

I don’t want that anymore

It’s better not to want things that will never happen

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a simulation to test how far I can be pushed before I give up

Paranoia?

Or probable?

There’s no other interaction so my mind is twisted and broken

How am I supposed to know what’s real and what’s not?