Elucidating Questions

I know there are worse hells than this

I still submit that this is hell

Varying degrees of hell

I wish for an Earth with fewer hells

With less a degree

Sometimes I’m worried that the only way for my wish to come true is for humans to stop existing

And sometimes I hope that’s the only way

Such explosive feelings

All the time

I wish there was more to life than this

Than wishing for better

Constantly reminded “it could be worse” like this amount of terrible is acceptable

Living out of spite

Damned, but kicking

Cursed, but moving forward

Through time and space

I think if everything stopped time would too

I often fantasise about what it would be like if time stopped

And how I’d just go on an anarchist spree of eating whatever I want and taking stuff

Day dreams

Freedom and food

Wouldn’t it be great if we could have that without time stopping

Rain rarely surprises me

So when I went inside for less than 10 minutes and returned and everything was soaked I was partially surprised and partially impressed

Stealth rain

No Sun today

Well there was a moment

I miss the days when the people who are missing were here

I never get to see his blue eyes he’s always wearing sunglasses

They are the most beautiful ones I’ve ever seen though

Can’t seem to love something that’s mine

I will love until my life is exhausted

But whether anyone will love me is as unknown as the rain that fell

Is it a good surprise?

I wish for some good surprises

Something positive

Rain is decidedly neutral

Who knows what’s coming now?

Well, there’s the impending explosion

But that’s later

Later than now anyways

It’s a dark and stormy afternoon

I see more bus riding and waiting in my immediate future

And something weird for anyone else

I’ve had enough weird in my days lately it’s time for someone else to experience it

Oh pouring rain

It’s never my night

I really do think I cease to exist

When I’m not in front of people

What is left must be a ghost

Some inhuman thing

That maybe once was

People don’t seem to quite grasp how alone I am

What being alone all the time does to someone

How could I spend any more time by myself unless there was an apocalypse?

Unless I was in jail?

When I had my overdose

In the minimal moments of consciousness being rolled through a hospital

My brain thought I, the worst person on Earth, had finally been apprehended

At my least cognitive I believe I am the worst

Sometimes I think of that and I try to trick myself into thinking otherwise

But how am I to believe anything when I am this alone

Texting just gave people the option to never have to actually check up on people

Because they can trick themselves into thinking texting “how are you”

Is checking up

I wouldn’t let someone live like this

Except me apparently

But how am I supposed to stop me from being alone?

Conjure up humanoids that won’t live without me?

Like everyone lost it during COVID

And most people were with someone

7 years

Like this

And all I wanted was hello

And I never got it

From anyone

I honestly don’t know how I’m even the least bit of sane that I am

Hearing people be together around me

Always around me

I don’t know

I really don’t

Being told to “get over it”, “move on”, “look on the bright side”

Is really triggering right now

And no I don’t mean that as Pop Speak

I mean that as in I have this visceral reaction it is tears and anxiety and pain and anger and anguish all wrapped into one

It is how disappointed I am in the world that I am being told to just be okay with my life

Has anyone telling me to be happy lived this life?

Now I know some do this willingly

I know

But damn, I wanted friends and stuff

Stuff being relationships I guess

Today I am hungry and wondering if I shouldn’t have spent money I didn’t have on food the other day

My last conversation was with my therapist on Tuesday

Before that it was that subpar Christmas

I don’t know, I would be appalled to find out someone I care about was living like me

Anything else was work or being a customer

Or being a tenant

Like yay?

They don’t have to go that far, but telling me to be happy anyways seems

And he’s somewhere warm and enjoying life

This world is so imbalanced

At least the bards succeeded

Happy

I’ll be happy

Happy for no reason like a right lunatic

It’s such a concept

Being surrounded by food

Not allowed to eat any of it

Two grocery stores

A dozen or so restaurants

The goods guarded by the all mighty dollar

Talk about false idols

It’s like

There’s so much food here no one will ever eat it all before it’s spoiled

And statistics about how much food waste there is

I don’t want to be that person who guilts a child into eating by telling them “there are kids in China/Africa/Asia(whatever place they’ve racistly decided people are needy besides their own streets) starving so eat everything”

This is not that

But we produce so much more than we use

Why can’t we be better?

Why aren’t people more interested in it being better?

I can smell bread baking

And I am hungry but can’t eat

It’s not an outrage when it happens to me, but it should be for every other person

And people are always like

What if they’re just bad with money?

Or whatever

I say we still feed them, clothe them, because money is a game not everyone was meant to play.

And no one gave them a choice

I saw a meme saying “if society were monopoly we’d be in the late stage where everyone is frustrated and one guy is rich and fucking around with everyone”

Dude, “if”?

Monopoly is literally a satirical representation of what capitalism does complete with the rich dudes going to jail and getting out like revolving doors

Monopoly is not a game I like to play

It was not made for someone like me

People should not be forced to play games they don’t want to play

And before someone screams communism

That is not the way of life I want

Stop putting binaries places they don’t belong

Dear Sun

What are you?

I arbitrarily made you male

I mean you’re cumming into space constantly

And I am a result of it

But like

There’s untold genders

So many creatures don’t really fit into “male et female”

Like ants, there’s the Queen ant, and the worker ants and we say they’re both female but does one of the worker ants have the ability to become a Queen who produces babies without transition?

They’re not male and female they’re male (maybe), female (kind of), and something else

So, I don’t know, what are you big burning ball of fire*

* = PBS said it is not fire and I understand that it is a pet name

Welcome after the snow and then immediate rain

A few stray clouds

I wish I could speak your language too

Hear what you’re screaming in the darkness

I am so small

And then I think of the smallest thing

So small I cannot actually picture it because picturing it immediately makes it big

The universe is a wonder I cannot compare anything to

So many possibilities

Dear Sun

Thank you for the opportunity to be

Dear Universe

Holy shirt dude this is a trip, what the fork