Elucidating Questions

It hurts to be on the losing team

The team of me that is losing so spectacularly

The universe subtly and not do subtly pushing me in the direction of someone who doesn’t even want to know I exist

Like I’m watching a video of you

And someone in the room just says Ramsey

Like I wasn’t already paying attention

Thinking of you and then there you are

It’s a mystery

Even when I try to ignore it it’s just there every day

There isn’t even anything I can do about it

Because I’ve tried explaining it away

It’s just insanity

Just madness

Probably something has broken in my brain that makes these connections

Because it’s impossible that I was actually right about any of my insanity before

I wish it would leave me be

Leave me to live

That strange list of artists that seem to revolve around eachother on my playlist like it’s the same day

Ah

Demons

And not even on my playlist

They find me

What a strange Kingdom to come to

Empty, but for me

It hurts but I will keep sending you love

You’re my only hope

The only hope I ever had

Seeing you say you love your job

Makes my heart set alight with love

Thank goodness

Thank goodness

Be happy you foolish fool.

I wonder what it is that keeps me going

No one seems to quite understand the hells I’m going through

They all have their own hells and apparently no time for mine

Even though I’d give so much just to be able to help someone else

Just to be of use to someone

This echo chamber

Where I scream into the empty spaces of the internet

At least I have somewhere to put these thoughts

10,000 dead children

They’ve been on my mind

What horrors they must have faced

Just children

And seeing all the excuses why their deaths were justifiable

No wonder fault lines are waking up

If I was Earth I’d probably set things on fire too

Of course they’re totally not related

We almost deserve to have it done back to us

Just standing here and watching

And funding

Genocide

Like if bombs started going off here

I’d probably just be like well we definitely deserve this

Between the shock and horror

Just a whole bunch of nothingness

In a better world we wouldn’t spill blood for profit

Well, Mama Earth, you have a couple hundred million years left

Maybe you can try again

I don’t think this one is worth saving

Please don’t let your child suck on the merchandise and then hand it to the cashier to scan and bag

I’m immunocompromised and I don’t need baby spit

Also please don’t then ask if you can return the soggy item

It makes me want to vomit

Also please don’t cough all over your cashier?

Human beings are disgusting

And ever since getting sick I’m like 10x more aware of how gross people are

Like handing me the inside out clothes you just tried on your naked body to turn the right way and scan

Just a bit, but fuck you

I seriously don’t need to touch your body

At all

Humans are disgusting and don’t even realise it

I may be disgusting but at least I’m aware

Like a woman looked at me straight faced the other day and asked

Can I try these earrings in my baby’s ears and then return them?

VOMIT

Okay

I feel better now

I am sitting in the Sun so nothing can go wrong

Nothing can go wrong when I’m in the sun

It’s hard to type though because he is also very in my eyes

Dumb beautiful ball of fire

Just tried to spell fire and fiar

I mean if my name is pronounced that way everything else should also be spelt and pronounced

People need to stop being in such a forking hurry all the time

People also need to rebel

Which I suppose means they need to want things to be done right now anyways

People need to be in less of a hurry with eachother on a face to face, car to car basis

And more in a hurry about the issues choking our species and our planet alive

The concept of a philanthropist billionaire is a fantasy

I could possibly be convinced of a philanthropist millionaire, but it would have to be very few million

Sun you are brilliant and wild

It’s not a wonder your offspring are also brilliant and wild

Their offspring are mostly brilliant and wild

I’m sorry the black sheep in the family took over

So sorry

And I’m sorry all I can offer you and your offspring is love

This thing humans made up

That all the living beings seem to feel

I just thought about how cute it would be if my guinea pigs could speak Mandarin

I’m incapable of a straight thought, you should know this by now

It’s so wild to me that every human is experiencing a different universe

Every creature

Plants

Cells

There’s no way it’s just here

Unless fire is the key

But I do suppose other kinds of life could exist still

The mysteries

I will never know the answers to

This world is not short of them

Imagine the universe?

I feel like I felt the big bang when I had my overdose

This intense feeling of being compressed

And then it wasn’t

And someone talking me through it

I wish I had answers for the mysteries

I wish others wondered as much as me

I wish others could go from being angry to being fine like I can

Emotions 5000

And then it’s alright

Probably something to do with this disease

It’s all just a moment

I don’t know what comes after

I think of forever and experience gripping fear

Because my only life so far has frankly been quite shit

I can’t imagine this forever

I just wanted life to be enjoyable

It’s fine

It’s all just wasting time

I’m beginning to wonder if depressed people are the ones who are mentally ill

I look at this world and wonder, who in their right mind wouldn’t be depressed?

I wonder if there’s some ancient cry in us from a kinder civilization

I wonder if man (and I do mean man because archeologists are seldom women) hasn’t put too human of a spin on our most ancient walking ancestors

I wonder if there’s some in our lineage who would have inherited the Earth better?

Someone less poisonous

Truly it’s the people carrying on this charade of society that have to be insane

And I may be driven insane in the process

But I’m still far more sane than someone who would destroy the Earth for profit

And I really don’t think I could be mentally ill when wherever I look my depression is enforced

Encouraged

Endorsed

And people tell me to be positive

Like I’m not grateful for what I have

I am

I just don’t think I (or anyone else) should be forced to accept the minimum in most things

And be happy about it

Why can’t everyone just have moderation and not absolutely everything?

People say it’s not their fault and they earned their money,

I’m not sure what part of me giving more than what I can manage every day I can isn’t earning my right to exist comfortably

I’m really not

Woke up exhausted and too sick to work today

But off I go

I need to save sick hours for when I’m sick next Fall

Always trying to push myself harder for when I crash because I pushed myself too hard

It feels like insanity to me

The other day I had a pair of damage returns

One looked like they’d wrecked it themselves and wanted a new one

One had a tiny hole in the front

My manager showed me how to remove them from inventory

And then said “you might not like this” and ripped the clothes to shreds

He was right

I didn’t like this

My thoughts went to the label

Made in Bangladesh

And how the probably young person that made it could probably have used a shirt

Perhaps the sweater

Then to the cold on my own streets

That probably wouldn’t have cared the label was ripped out

And what do I do?

I can’t do that

But my manager said they caught someone donating damaged items and they got fired

But I cannot destroy a perfectly good piece of clothing

It’s practically against my religion

Destroying something someone else could have used

And that’s capitalism

The Big Man will sell his items for 97¢ final sale

As long as he gets a dollar

But would rather destroy the imperfect items than give to those who need it

I’ve probably broken some confidentiality agreement

But how do you stay silent about this?

I was almost sick

This world is so wrong

Someone needed those things

Not like I have a poetry website basically half full of me hating on rich people or anything

Not like there’s documentation of me struggling with liking my not so famous fav famous person

Who doesn’t take private jets

Not like I have documentation of me hating all politicians

The entire some thousands of poems about how fucking awful being in this income bracket is

But, yeah, it’s definitely misogyny

People get used to fighting the same demon and see it everywhere

I am not your enemy I believe all rich people are the enemy

So unless you’re rich I don’t really care

Rich people

With their leagues of empty minded fans who wouldn’t dare question them

Well, empty minded when it comes to said fav

No when I said eat the rich

I did not say except

Like, all of them

Feed them to tigers or something

Someone who would actually benefit from their existence for once

It’s hard to be a one person army

People keep thinking there’s some asterisk to my ire

There is not

Don’t tell me all the ways we’re fucking up this planet, I already know, it all needs to stop

Eat the rich