Elucidating Questions

I wanted to be pretty

But I wasn’t the ugly duckling

Just ugly

I watched numerous teens glow-up

And then watching the tiktoks became unbearable because it wasn’t me

So I adorn my body with cute things to hide the ugly

Even if I didn’t have an autoimmune disease I’d still wear it because it hides my face

People are nicer to you when they can’t tell if you’re ugly

It’s just the truth

When you’re pretty good things happen for you

Well, not all the time

There’s always a certain percentage of people that miss out

I’m in that percentage in most places

So I feel for them

Being the one that doesn’t fly is hard

Leave the nest she said

I’m pushing you out so you’ll fly

If only she could see me now

Yesterday was my birthday

And I tried again, in vain

Why not

But some things went okay

I kind of wish the me of yesteryear had just put all our money into lottery tickets or something

I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than the government paying disabled people enough to live off of

When the only answer to the problem is “just don’t be disabled”

I feel like me calling it unfair is an understatement

So many unfair things

I have to try to make the future better

We flip on a dime

Don’t really know who we are usually

I know it must be hard to deal with us

But I’ve spent my life being told I had to deal with difficult people

Putting up with things far worse than anything I’ve done

For the sake of co-existence

Before we were we

No one else seems to follow the same rules as me

Even though I’ve been told to follow these rules by others

He follows his own rules

100% self preservation that one

Well and me preservation

He’s mean though

I’m not mean

Well I try not to be mean

I’m also blunt so people think I’m being mean

Life

I want to love all of them

Even the people that hate me

It’s a tall order

But I really want to

Trying to exist with grace

If not tolerance

At least don’t let them know I can’t love them

People suck

Yeah, I’m fat

Congratulations on succeeding at kindergarten level awareness

But you know what I’m not?

I’m not seeking out people on the internet and telling them to perform to my version of what is attractive

Or my version of what is acceptable

Go throw a stone in a river and don’t contemplate the change that stone just went through

How long it was on that bank before you tossed it in

Go ahead and be blind to humanity and creation and whatever you want

But I’m not going to join you

And I’m not going to entertain you with the 500 reasons why I can’t “lift weights”

Comment denied

Fuck off

I need to know why we created a world where people with light in their hearts feel the need to exit

I need to know for what purpose we turned this world into such a cruel place that the good guys try to log out, permanently

I know not everyone who is depressed or commits suicide is a good guy

But I’ve heard the story too many times

Light of the world

Snuffs themselves out

And I care

When the lights go out

Each star a world disappearing

A perspective lost

I have to be here because there’s only me

But the others,

The actual lights

They don’t have some thing telling them to just hold on

Or, if they do, they can’t hear it

Maybe they don’t fear the unknown of death as much as I do

All I can do is tuck them in my taped up heart and remember that they were special

They were someone’s once in a life time person

And keep waiting for the world that failed them

To realise that it did so

You let me hang around

But you pointedly ignore me

It’s not like you’re big famous

There are only so many comments on your stuff

Thank god you’re not big famous or I’d actually have to hate you

I often see you interact with other things

Oh I’ve wondered just how invisible I could be

But I don’t think I am

I think your poker face is your face being behind a screen

Yet I can’t even get you to read one

My entire dream

My whole purpose

Was to get you to notice me

And I shake my head and laugh because it’s always this way

But this time I decided,

Since literally no one else in my entire life notices me

I’d go after the big one,

Why not?

Sigh

Sometimes I wonder why I hang around

7 straight years of being pointedly ignored

You’d think I’d get the point by now

But when I try to move on and away

I find myself wondering

If you’re okay

Like it’s my right to worry about a complete stranger

Who wants nothing to do with me

Like all the other humans out there

Really, if anything, you’re not special

You’re just the same as everyone else in my life ignoring me

I have a Facebook where I frequently post about how lonely I am, how sad I am, how much I struggle

Radio silence except my mum care reacting

It’s kind of like that

I say something to you and other people like it

And that really doesn’t achieve anything

I mean it was never meant to be for likes except yours

Like from the beginning, please just follow me

Show me I’m here

I suppose I’m creating today because you’re creating

Suppose my recent need to create is because you’re working away

That’s how it was last time anyways

I’m just sane now

Mostly

Partially

Sane enough to put on a neat little mask to hide the insanity behind it

And, truly, for some unknown reason, I care greatly about your well being so I have to pretend or how will I maintain the ability to check your Instagram every week?

お互いのfugue

Or something

Be well, blue star

Be well or I’ll have to come fight people for you