Elucidating Questions

It’s been five days since I questioned why someone would build stairs inaccessible to mobility challenged people

I’ve learnt that makes me a bad person

That I’m not disabled, just fat

People have mocked me for owning guinea pigs

I’ve been called someone with a victim complex when it’s not like I’m ever even going to use the stairs myself

Called names

Dismissed

And the page owner believes I deserve it

I hate people

I hate them

God forbid we consider anyone but ourselves when we do things

Inconsiderate fucks

And apparently since there are no disabled people now there will never be any disabled people being fucked over by said stairs

I think they all have more ego between their ears than brains

Why would I personally be offended by the stairs?

I asked, yes, why would anyone build stairs to be accessible to mobility challenged people?

How dare I, apparently

Apparently I’m worse than a bigot for questioning the able bodied elite.

I’m so glad I’m being bullied by a bunch of able bodied fucks who don’t know shit about living in a world not made for you

And how dare I question why someone would design something purposely inaccessible?

So fucking sick of people telling me I have a victim complex and proceeding to assault me verbally

I’m not a victim, that doesn’t change the fact that your words are being used with purpose to harm so shut up your fucking useless mouth

Of course I can’t say what I want to say

I’d be yeeted from the platform faster than I could say you’re all fucking heading to where I am so enjoy it when you can’t fucking get anywhere you poor unfortunate fucks

I just let people walk all over me

Occasionally I get sarcastic but I’m chronically friendly

Someone could be blue in the face screaming at me that I deserve to die and I’d probably still be friendly

Why don’t we consider disabled people when we build things?

Why don’t we?

What’s wrong with considering people?

Apparently that’s not a valid question

It’s fine just more casual rage

I don’t treat people like they do me

I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to like this

Selfish

Self centered

Self absorbed

If it doesn’t immediately affect them why bother worrying?

I hope the curse of disability is just someone who’s disabled hoping everyone gets a disability as punishment for being shits about disability

Just renewing the curse every generation with a new child who lost the openness of the world

No, you really all should try it

Walking up to a place and seeing stairs and knowing you’re stuck now

The irony is that I can go up stairs it’s just excruciating

And it makes me light headed and I usually almost fall over at the top

One of those fun “just a matter of time until I do fall” moments

I did topple over at one point halfway up the top flight but I caught myself with the stairs

The one way in which hyper flexibility is a super power I guess

I don’t even know

Does it ever feel like the internet isn’t worth it anymore?

It’s funny

When you’re disabled you see things and you just know someone’s going to have trouble accessing them

But able bodied people insist that if they aren’t disabled then nothing around them needs to be accessible

God forbid they get old or have an accident which changes their mobility

And me saying that things are inaccessible is an attack on able bodied people

They mock me for saying that it’s not accessible

They tell me I have a victim complex

And am only thinking about myself

They tell me this about things that I will never be able to physically be there to access and thus it is incomprehensible that I am in fact thinking of myself when pointing out they’re inaccessible

This world of the quickest snappiest nastiest thing you can think of off the top of your head

I get treated like a bigot for being perturbed by inaccessibility all around me

When you’re disabled you see things differently

It doesn’t matter that I will never be there

Someone will experience the inhumane moment when they’re not capable of getting somewhere everyone else goes

And why don’t you want to be the solution to that awful feeling?

But they don’t

I noticed it early, being a lefty

Because the world is built for right handed people

I can’t use scissors properly

Not for me

But when the mobility issues started popping up

I was thrust into this new perspective that I frankly hate

That I wish no one else had to experience

There’s a Starbucks near my house with two entries but only one has a disability button and it’s out of the way, and more narrow so it’s awkward for wheelchairs

And they both have really high, uneven, and loose, dividers that make coming over them in mobility devices difficult

There’s curbs for crosswalks all over town that go down into the road but then have a second, steep, drop and I’ve almost fallen over them in my walker more than once

Theres a person who parks out front our place and blocks off the entire entry way so I can’t leave with my walker

These are things I face incessantly, daily, if I go out of my home

It’s like slow water torture

You don’t belong here

The world was made for other people, not you

So, yeah, when I see things that are inaccessible I get frustrated

Disability is a fact of life and we should frame everything we do around it. Stairs shouldn’t even exist.

Stairs should have been reimagined as something that people in wheelchairs can use by now

Why are we all assuming that every person with a mobility issue has the tens of thousands of dollars it would take to renovate a place to be accessible?

“Build it normal and then someone can renovate it to be accessible later”

Hence half of downtown businesses (built in the late 18 early 1900s) are inaccessible and unfixable because

“Sorry they were already here”

I’m so tired of disability being an afterthought

I’m so sick of people like me being an afterthought

You have such timing

That cosmic timing

Unless you tell me what I means I refuse

And I always wonder why these moments grace me

When LA is a warzone, when Manitoba is burning, while Gaza is a bullseye for various forms of target practice

Why the Universe twists around me in this way

It would take another thirty years for you to convince me to jump again

Jumping is for the lucky and the rich

And the beautiful

And why?

All this hell going on around me that I cannot do anything about

Yet you taunt me with these moments

I didn’t ask for a coincidence

500 coincidences and yet you couldn’t spare a coincidence of someone coming to their senses about the madness in the world

The hatred

And, perhaps, if it had been seen, there would have been some happy story to share with the world

I don’t think it would have lasted

And I don’t think a difference would have been made

Love isn’t born from madness

At least I’m not lucky enough to have such a grace bestowed upon me

Not from where it started

How can I change things?

I have too much anger and frustration in me to handle the ignorant gently

See, but, I can’t count on anyone else to do anything

I have to do it myself so I have to be everything

If this was Madoka I’d be the one making contracts to wish I was a god

Would they poison me?

Maybe our own darkness suffocates them

The gods

All their little fingers

Beckoning every which way

But does anyone listen?

I don’t know

Perhaps there are gods that I have not encountered who beckon darkness from us

But it’s their cursed neutrality that confounds me

With every miracle a horror story in tandem

Perplexed

And what does it mean?

Complex signs

This and this

So what?

Always nothing

Always nudging

Curse it

Go solve some actual problems I have no interest in searching around for a sign that the sign is a sign

So go sign someone’s next day given instead

What does it matter?

In the face of everything

What does this secret held in the strongest box of my soul matter?

It didn’t

A fresh secret out in plain view and a secret that is buried so deep no one would believe it if they did find it

A year ago I almost fell in again

With your prods

Not again

Any destiny that wants me can come get me

I wish I could live in my dreams

I almost don’t know why I do it

Go into comments sections regarding trans people

But I look, I think hoping I’ll find just one person whose opinion that I shouldn’t exist was changed

Haven’t found it yet

A person changing their mind

Lots of infighting

It’s the same for every other minority

It’s the same for the genocide

No one changes their mind

Can humans actually change their minds?

It’s hard

Just seeing vitriol about your existence constantly

I feel very unwanted by this world

My being here doesn’t matter

And I’m struggling again so I don’t want to be here anyways

I suppose if I did manage to swallow my fears I’d be doing some people a favour

But I have this feeling like I need to take up space

I don’t want to though

I wanted to die in my sleep last night

One of those nights where you don’t want to wake up in the morning

But I did

I just want to enjoy myself

But I can’t

And my mum is okay with me selling feet pictures

If only I could get on a platform that I can do that from

Course you need money for most

Course I’d probably flop like everything else I’ve ever done

Incapable

I don’t want people, who haven’t done anything to deserve feeling like I do, to feel this way

I’m the worst person I know

But I don’t want others to feel like this

I feel like starving myself for fun

I’m supposed to feel this way but other people shouldn’t have to

It’s just how it is

For some reason my life is about not getting things I need and missing out on things I want

I really wish I could just disappear

I feel so stuck

So taunted by my exlandlord’s words that finding another job would be easy

I need money

I need like $500 to just show up and I’d be comfortable

But I’d put up with $200 if I could

And I want to work

I don’t want to sit here and passively collect a pauper’s income

I want to do something

But apparently 16 years of customer service

And countless musculoskeletal injuries

And days I felt were actually going to make me more sick

That did, in the end

They don’t count for anything

I feel defeated by silence and “we regret to inform you”

Don’t even know what’s wrong with me so I can’t fix it

And chances are it’s the disability thing

Or the I quit jobs when they start affecting my health thing

How dare I not work at a place my entire life?

How dare I get used to how a place is run by one manager and then take offense when things are arbitrarily changed and we begin to accelerate into shittiness?

Did I foresee Petcetera going out of business?

No, but I definitely knew it wasn’t being run properly

Did I know Lowe’s was going to run into serious problems and need to rebrand back to Rona because of image issues?

No, but I knew that an entire store’s management being entirely restructured less than a year after being opened was a bad sign and so was the turn over and they started treating employees like crap

I was also having a mental health emergency

Others were for things like moving

Physical health issues

Harassment and discrimination

Got fired once for complaining about bus schedules because I mentioned that my job had cut my hours in the post as well

I just want to be employable

I just want to work my few hours a week

Maybe make like $400 every two weeks, maybe like $300, that’s fine

Not be pushed to flare ups

I ask for so little and receive less

I’m saying hi world I would like to live on $26k a year while most of my countrymates live on almost double

And it’s too much to ask for

And I know there are so many people with less

Were we to gather every person who is struggling because of this world into one place and have them jump?

I imagine it would measure on the Richter scale

Their suffering is just as unforgivable as mine is

I think people think I’m complaining just about myself

When overwhelmingly what I am trying to say is that if it’s this bad for me it must be worse for other people

Maybe humans are just stupid animals hiding the symptoms of their disease

And the disease is capitalism

Is blood suckers just sucking money out of the economy into their bank accounts

There was not trillions of dollars in the economy in, say, 1912

They printed it, created it, whatever

Yet there still isn’t enough for everyone on Earth

I don’t know

If you had told me at 15 that at 35 I’d be living with my dad, unemployed, unemployable, and being spat on by the Ministry of so called “social development and poverty reduction” every once in a while

I definitely would have “completed” suicide